Negatives, Routines, Pains...

I have some thoughts that repeatedly come into my head, and I am so afraid that, if I let them be said in my mind, that they will come true. That God or the Universe will bring them to pass because I can't help but think them. I have always been afraid that if I let them come and pass, and not get emotionally involved with them or their spiritual effects and consequences, that those people will feel the effects of my thoughts mentally at that moment, and that I have tarnished their image and worth forever. My heart knows the truth, but my insecurities and loss of opportunities due to changes in my life and future that were out of my control have a hold of my mind and bring these thoughts back time and time again. It is a war that I cannot seem to win. Negative thoughts about loved ones that I do not intend to ever mean, yet my mind keeps bringing them to the surface every time I see a photo or others in person. I know it is driven by my pain for them and love for them, but it seems like the side effects of such thinking and love have turned into a vicious cycle and it keeps being summoned between my eyes and them. It is becoming linked neurologically over time, and I feel trapped, like I can't do what's right or what's wrong to make a difference, and that I don't have control over these things. I cannot be present in a moment because the tumor that has become this unwanted residual thinking. Fear and life and Nature and God and other things have kept me immobilized time and again, and I find I have trouble just trying to live a normal life, as far as that goes, and aside from that--more importantly--trying to better myself and become the ultimate person that I can be. Not only for myself, but for my family. I have decided today to let the negative thinking happen, regardless of the supposed "consequences" of the Universe potentially hearing my thoughts and acting on them. Like I said, I have a strong fear that what comes into my mind will be manifested, especially in others. The interesting thing is, when I'm...I suppose it's caught between these conflicting states of emotional dominance...that it fine-tunes my reception to certain aspects of music at time. I appreciate powerful transitions in music, segments of a second, or two, or less, long, anyway. But with milking songs through repetition, eventually they lose their freshness and luster. The songs that had inspired me like diamonds in the rough eventually lose their allure and sting. And because I have milked song after song, album after album, I filled so much time that eventually the habit kind of weeded itself out to a degree. Like when you do something for years, then suddenly feel your love and desire for it wane, to nothing or strongly in that direction. I have resources to change, grow, and expand through self-help coaches like Tony Robbins and Coach Corey Wayne (a follower of Tony, who I have studied how to understand women through), and spiritual leaders like Dr. Wayne Dyer. But I have so many distractions, conscious and subconscious, supposed and actual, and a gravitation toward music, and films, and typing, and a hesitancy to sit still in one place extensively perhaps, especially when alone, that I don't feel the desire or pull to spend the time and invest my complete attention in their materials. I want to change to help my family, but I don't feel the need for myself. I feel I have a few or too many conflicts internally that keep me trapped in the center...NOT centered. They deserve more, I KNOW, and so do I, I KNOW, but I still feel so helpless, surely at times, and often when the day begins, often when the day is through.