My Truth is Far From Easy

I choose my current real time situation, how's this for authentically candid....

I'm 46 years old and tonight I smoked my last puff from my meth pipe and tomorrow I will quit cigarettes because I have four left. Three actually cause I've got one hangin' outta my mouth as I type. I live in a tent near my brothers in Huntington Beach, California. I quit my job over a month ago. My car needs a new radiator which I can't get cause I can't afford it cause yep I quit my job over a month ago. Anywhere I need to go my beach cruiser takes me and thank God I live in a town where it's still cool to ride your bike. My bank account currently has $6.89 with $4.81 in my checking and $1.88 in my savings. And you know what? It's all good because today I surrender, I surrender to my spiritual journey. It's 11/11 10:25pm.

I smoked meth off and on, mostly on, for roughly 3 years, let's be real here and admit I was using daily. It is my drug of choice, or was. There's only a handful (like two) of people who actually know that because I considered myself to be a professional closet tweaker and I say THAT because you'd never know I was doing it unless I told you. I preferred smoking it rather than snorting for obvious reasons (it burns like hell) and never thought of putting it through my veins. In my opinion it's those that do shoot it that give it a bad rap. I smoked it, not only because I loved it, but also because it gave me a free pass to eat whatever I want whenever I want and gave me that feeling that I can do anything. Tomorrow that changes big time. Tomorrow my everything changes because I'm on my journey, where it's imperative to be nothing BUT authentic, and in order to step into my spiritual gifts and fulfill my soul purpose and life mission I need to be 100% sober and I have to admit that scares the shit outta me because that's something I've really never been. Between alcohol, marijuana and meth my record for sobriety is 5 months. And that's only after leaving a 6 month rehab in Colorado at the age of 38 that I was forced to do. After the first month I promised to stay sober, and was for a whopping 5 months. I was sober till I hit a deer going like 15 miles per hour and cried the whole way home and the next day went straight to the liquor store. 5 months of sobriety in approximately 25 years is pretty crazy when I think about it.

I pulled myself from the alcohol trenches at the age of 43 which most find to be highly commendable but the only way I did that was by switching addictions. It was an easy switch though because in actuality I'd had enough of alcohol and was ready to say goodbye to my alter ego "Vodlissa" as she wreaked enough havoc leaving a wake of apologies, broken promises and not to mention bones, medical bills and embarrassing stories. And that's just the shit I do remember. That and my last detox of course cause it was pretty bad. On top of the regular uncomfortable in-home detox symptoms of puking, dehydration, skin crawling insomnia, "hot cold hot cold hot cold" sweating and itching, I shit my pants three times dry heaving so hard and I literally saw the devil. He sat at the side of my bed for 12 hours waiting for me to either sell my soul or just fucking die already. It took 9 days start to finish for my last detox. It was stuff nightmares are made of and I wouldn't wish it on ANYBODY.

Is it a coincidence as I'm heading to bed but before I retire I check out my daily angel message and what is reads is mind blowing? No, it's no coincidence, I call 'em synchronicities, I get 'em everyday, but this is one of those mind blowing ones that brings you to your knees. It reads....

"You are meant to live a life of love and not fear. What is it that holds you back? Is the past still haunting you? Today I remind you that you can start over. This is a powerful new day of beginnings. If you wish for your slate to be cleared, consider it done. Any lingering doubts, fears, and guilt erased."

Everything changed the night my mom passed away. While I lost the best mother anyone could ask for, I had my spiritual awakening and had no idea what I was in for. I failed my semester, my job was furloughed, I left my man of seven years that I was living with, sold everything, road tripped with my two rabbits to Cali and then left the country. I've been receiving messages from my Archangel Jophiel since my moms last birthday April 16 of this year, every single day without fail. They started the day I got my "answers" in Costa Rica. Where they come from exactly I have no idea as I've never tried to figure that out. Many will speculate or say the obvious but for me they're real and they come straight from the angelic realm. More often than not they make complete sense and pertain to my life to a T. If you ask me it is my mom without a doubt.

If I'm gonna call myself out I'm going to have to call my dad out too. Not that I necessarily need to take someone down with me but I feel like if I have to be authentic then they do too and I know they're not gonna do it. Every journey is unique and has many layers. I won't delve into the deep depths of mine right this second but will say that one of my layers is to share with the world because I have a story to tell and boy do I have a story to tell. Not necessarily all of the story do I wanna share but when you're being authentic there's no skipping over the uncomfortable parts to save face because it's usually those uncomfortable parts that'll set you free and in some way are able to help somebody else because at the very least they know they're not alone.

I'm not your typical meth user, not that's there's even a "typical" one (oh wait, yes there's the crazy up for a week and acting effing stupid ones) but again, you'd never know I was using daily because I'm just your average person living their not so average life walking this journey after a spiritual awaking in March of last year. I've been through a lot in this past year and a half and when I say a lot I mean a fucking LOT. I'll spare you the details on most but know that I've been on a crash course of life lessons and while I've definitely gained more experience in 17 months than I have in my whole life, I've also lost a lot. My growth game is ridiculously strong but I'm now homeless, parentless, carless and have felt more often than not a little hopeless.

I'm not all those things because of drugs I'm all those things because of circumstances pertaining to my journey. The drugs are part of what actually kept me going. And I'll be honest, the drug helped and it definitely was my best friend, not to mention a good way to numb the pain as it has this clever way of making you temporarily forget your problems. It also has this way of numbing your emotions and things don't hurt as bad as they normally would. But like any addiction it's just doing the devils work and keeping you preoccupied until you either sober your ass up or die. Today I choose to sober my ass up and like I said am very nervous but I'm extremely resilient and know I can do it. I couldn't even die if I tried right now, God would just chuckle and send me right back out to the battlefield. He has plans for me, big plans, I just don't know what they are but that's what faiths all about, right?

Faith. Man that's a tough word, it's very difficult sometimes to put everything on something you can't see but instead have to feel. And there's no faking it either, you either have it or you don't. There's no pretending cause in case you didn't know, angels see EVERYTHING. I won't forget the moment I heard that and was like, damn, really? I remember thinking oh man I'm screwed sorry mom, as I laughed out loud.

My last life lesson resulted in the loss of my dad. Unlike my mom, he's still alive but just dead to me. He turned out to be a covert narcissist and you wanna talk about authentic ha I was 100% the true authentic me the day I left my parents house for good. He put a lock on my moms things so I couldn't get to 'em, he bullied me, and laughed at me saying he felt sorry for me. In retrospect I was silently bullied most of my life as he raised me but was otherwise not treated the way he treated me that day. He was a good dad overall so to end the way it did and as abruptly as it did wasn't just a blow to the gut, but a blow to the heart too. You're not supposed to call a narcissist out but that's exactly what I did because I choose to live that authentic life and it's exactly why I'm writing this article. Not to write it would allow me to still be living a lie, or secret now and it's this secret that has me blocked and I can't move forward until I clear my energies and align myself with my purpose.

Journey's are different and unique to each individual person but they do have some commonalities and that's that they are extremely difficult, they're not all yoga and meditation so don't get it twisted. They are a rollercoaster of emotions, a path of unexpected turns and wrong ways, going within and discovering and dealing with demons and shadows, shit you didn't even know you had that now you needed to fix. They are about learning to appreciate and having compassion for everything. Period. I've heard said before that if you can't find enlightenment in everything you can't have it all, and that's really difficult to do. It's hard to be able to catch your thoughts and change 'em Johnny on the spot. Needless to say I'm a work in progress but have done a complete 180 from who I was 17 months ago. Leaps and bounds I tell ya, even I don't recognize myself sometimes when I react a completely different way to a situation than I would've even 3 months ago. Just yesterday I was trying to do something that was simple yet complex and I dropped the screws I dont know how many effing times and yet I didn't blow a gasket like I normally would. I'm an Aries, I'm all spit fire and yes can have a short temple. My sun is in Aries and my Rising is in Leo so I'm actually 47% fire and that's a lot of energy. I guess I have to give credit where credit is due and staying with my dad jumpstarted the mastering of my emotions and now staying with my brother as often as possible keeps that momentum going so thanks guys.

Having to be my authentic self on a daily is a rollercoaster in and of itself as I'm a lot for most people and not just a lot to handle but to even comprehend. I'm a lot of in your face, not negatively but with passion and drive and at 46 I'm pretty set in my ways. But my journey has taught me to look at other perspectives and accept the fact that I'm not always gonna be right so swallowing some pride has become a humbling acceptance. I've got no problem being the bigger person and tend to be now more often than not and that's okay.

I'm also a very resilient person and have this innate ability to bounce back. Sure we all that survival mode built in us but mines a little more than just that. I'm grateful I have this perseverance mode built in me too and that comes from my Popo, my moms dad who was one of the best people on the planet and explains 100% why my mom was such a good person as well. And me? I'm also genuine and loving and want the best for everybody but there's also a little more "Nana" in me than I'd like to admit. Those are the shadows I'm talking about haha and believe me there's enough to keep me busy. Work in progress. With all that said, when it comes to me and my addiction I know I've got this but this time I'm not just switching addictions this time. I have to do it because I effing have to, and want to of course. And then finding the balance between those in addition to everything else is gonna be hard work to say the least.

Day two of drug free and I'm fine. Headaches here and there but that's dehydration. Sleeping a little more but that's to be expected. I remember my second time taking up residence in jail for my second DUI, when I first got there I overheard another inmate say, "she sure sleeps a lot" and that's cause I'm sober making up for the sleep I'd lost. I think it's literally called muddling, when you're tweaking and doing "busy work". You think you're getting shit done, and sometimes you do but most of the time you're just moving shit around, taking up time, it's funny how it clouds your perceptions of everything. Sober today and that's all that matters.

We'll have to wait and see how this unfolds but like I said, today I'm sober and grateful. Do I wanna be sober right now? Not really but I know it's time and while dealing with losing another best friend is hard it is what it is. I think the fact that I have lost so much the pain becomes more manageable. I've learned that if I can't change it I can't dwell on it. I just have to accept it, FEEL it, cry about it and I just have to keep moving forward no matter how hard it is. I'm in charge of my own destiny and only I can make the changes that I need to make in order to succeed in life. Everybody has potential and now that's what I need to focus on, that and my faith in God is what I will rely on because next to my bike that's all I've got. And that's all I need. That and I need to be honest, and not necessarily with the world but more importantly I need to be honest with myself.

I can't preach authenticity and how important it is if I can't be honest with myself. And at this juncture I'm tired of living a lie and pretending to be somebody I'm not. I'm human and I ride the struggle bus, hell I drive the struggle bus right now but at the end of the day if I can do this, anyone can do this and I'm just here to let people know that they're not alone and anything's possible if you put your mind to it. Your thoughts become your reality and with positive thoughts and self-worth (that's a whole other story too as I'm just now finding mine) you can manifest all your wants and desires. I'm working on it and this is really my first big step so when I get there I'll be sure to get you a full report.

I've learned to never give up and not to care about the opinions others have. Easier said than done but I've also learned to be fresh outta fucks to give about what other people have say and this article proves to myself exactly this point and yes it's hard. And for the record it's taken me 3 days to finish this article and I bought another pack of smokes because hell one thing at a time, right? I'm free from the shackles that've been holding me back because I'm sober, I'm authentic and I'm being honest and that's all that matters to me right here and right now. Love and Light and to be continued...