My Mental Illness

Let me start by saying I am no psychologist or psychiatrist I am a person who suffers from Dissociative Amnesia as one of my many diagnosis's. As with other people who suffer from mental illness I have multiple diagnosis's. It is hard to tell one from the other in my perspective but I am going to try to put this in perspective for those who are interested from a sufferers point of view.

You may ask what dissociative disorder is and there are websites out there that can give you a direct answer but I am going to answer from my perspective. For me, dissociative amnesia is when I lose track of reality, often feeling like I am being forced into a situation by someone else or a feeling of impending doom if I don't run away. When it starts I may seem perfectly fine and then in a matter of days I have somehow, with no money of my own, made it across the country or at least to another state all together. There I awaken to find yet again I have upended my life and the lives of those around me who love me. Then I have to face the music of what I have done. Actions have consequences after all. Even when you have no idea what you are doing or have done someone pays. This disorder has cost me very dearly in my lifetime.

I believe that my first episode of dissociative amnesia was when I was in my late 20's or early 30's. I was living in North Carolina, I had a job at the local grocery store and an apartment of my own. The way I remember it I got a call from my mother who told me that my abusive ex-boyfriend and the father of my children had pulled our son out of school and was on his way to see me. Not twenty minutes after that I started to have physical symptoms of fear and stress. My neck locked up and I couldn't raise my left arm above my shoulder. When my ex arrived I was on meds for stress and muscle relaxers so that I could move again. So I was medicated and not in my best mental state. He stayed for about a week living in my apartment and I stayed with my boyfriend at the time. My ex swore he came down just so I could see my son but he is never nice without a motive. When he got mad that I was medicated and could not spend time with him and my son he left. Not an hour after he left I was on the way back to my apartment, and then I woke up in Atlanta, Georgia. It had been seven days, no one had heard from me, and apparently I had given my apartment keys to perfect strangers at a bus stop in return for a ticket out of town. Boy was my landlord unhappy. I called my then boyfriend who drove from North Carolina to Georgia to pick me up. On the way back I am sure we talked but I have no recollection of that time either. So I am missing at least a week of my life. No clue what I did, where I slept, what I ate etcetera.

The second episode I wont go into as much detail but I was living in Maryland, had a job, a place to live close to family and a boyfriend of a few years. Then I was in Oregon, four days had gone by and apparently I had told people that I had been kidnapped and forced to drive but that didn't actually happen. It doesn't matter what did actually happen I was stuck in Springfield Oregon. My family was pissed. My place to live was gone and I was sure my boyfriend was done so this was my thought process.

Where am I ? Do I have money on me? When did I eat last? Am I hungry? Where am I going to sleep? What did I bring with me? What's next? Can I make amends to my family and friends? Can I ever go home? Okay, I have to get it together and plan to start over fresh. I find a coffee shop and there I sit trying to figure out my next move, silently crying, tears streaming down my face when this nice man asks me what is wrong. I didn't want to get into the whole mess with him so I just said I was homeless and not sure what I am going to do next. He offered for me to come home with him and sleep on his couch, I didn't even think I followed him to his house and there I stayed for the next 6 months. I worked and paid rent. It turned out that he was a good Samaritan who took in homeless people but in retrospect he could have been a serial killer. Anyway, back to the reason for this story. I want to give you an idea of what one goes through when they wake from a fugue state and find themselves in unfamiliar territory.

When I come out of a fugue state I have to get my bearings. What day is it? How long was I out? Where am I? Who am I with? How did I get here? What have I done? Have I done anything that would get me arrested? Have I done something with someone and now I need to be tested? Ok, get a hold of yourself.

Where am I now? Call home and tell them where I am. Did I bring my phone? Am I hungry? Did I bring money? How am I going to eat, where will I sleep? Do I need to start completely over or can I go home?

What damage have I done to the love of my life, my son, my family relationships, or friends? Can I make amends? Have I lost my life as I knew it?

The havoc that this plays on my mind, heart, and life means that I can never truly feel safe or secure. Sadly, it also means that those in my life never know what to expect either. Some cannot comprehend that this is an illness and not me just running off. Others kind of get it, but I still feel like they hold it against me like I have some control over what just happened. The feelings that I deal with are similar to that of a rape victim. Something major just happened to me. Something that I could not control just disrupted my life. Now I am trying to put my life back together and I am being asked questions that make me feel like I am being blamed. It feels like the equivalent of a rape victim being asked what were they wearing or why was I at that party in the first place.

I don't think people are trying to shame me but they can't seem to understand I am a victim here too. I get that they are angry and hurt and I desperately want to fix it. However, I am trying to figure out my feelings and next steps too. I am dealing with the trauma of what I just went through and may not be able to handle dealing with them just yet. I want to fix my mistakes, to help them understand that it was nothing against them. I just don't know how to do that.

This is just what I go through, I cannot imagine what my family goes through or my son, or the person I happen to be with, The ripples that seem never ending to the moment I lose control overwhelm me.