My Life

Have you ever made a mistake? Did completely wrong and had every inch of guilt bottle up inside, until you were about to explode on the first person who asked how your day really was? I've been there... In fact, I'm there now. I'm sitting on a throne of pain and suffering, and I really can't seem to shake it.

Imagine this. You're living alone, 3 cats, no life. You mold yourself around a rut that you can't seem to run away from. You have 2 jobs, but get this... No car. Absolutely nothing. In fact, your source of transportation to and from both places, is a rusted up bike with broken gears, wishing a genie would grant it newness again. You feel alone, genuinely and utterly... in a state of solitude. Your ex ran for the hills. California hills that is. They packed their shit and left you to wither away. Just a pat on the back, a phony I love you, and I'll always care about you, and that's it.

That was also me. Huffing up and down city streets, 8 miles a day, just to make ends meet. I couldn't catch a break for nothing. Sure, I had family. But they lived a town away and would charge me to get to work. It felt more like Uber than any family member I'd ever heard. Pedaling up those hills were awful. Biking in grass just to keep from getting ran over; good times. The sweat drenching down my face, in the dead heat on a Texas' summer's day, was like walking on the sun. I honestly don't know how I didn't get heat stroke half the time. I'd bolt through those double doors to work, clutching my handlebars, towards the break room. Everyone knew I kept my bike in the back.

I hated people back then. Everyone was a target for my wrath. I wasn't friendly in the least. But why did I need to be? Here we had gobs of customers and coworkers alike, driving down the road in their fancy cars, enjoying the easy life; while I lost my breath just to keep from being late every morning. It wasn't fair, and that's why people sucked. I do remember that guy in the fitting room though. I remember him like the back of my heart. He was goofy. He was charming. He was witty. He had comebacks in the most sincerely nicest manner possible. He was laid back. He could make anyone laugh even if they didn't need to.

We were just coworkers. He gave off a creepy vibe. He was dating someone else as the time, so I didn't think much of him. And back then, that was okay. I wasn't looking. Especially since I had just gotten rid of the heartless Asian dude who thought he was slick enough to leave me paying over 900 dollars in bills. I had my heart closed for repairs. And not a single soul was allowed to get in. Except... Except this guy was persistent. And I never understood why.

You see, not only did I hate people, I was depressed with life. Living alone does that to a person. It makes them feel like they're just floating through the day, unnoticed by everyone, even if everyone makes full eye contact with you. Why? Because they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. The struggles of life weren't meant to be publicized. It's just not something they needed nor wanted to hear. So, with that mindset, I always kept quiet.

"How are you today, Jericka?" They'd always ask this in the morning. I hated that too. It sounded like a broken record, and I wasn't able to unplug it from the wall. "Oh you know! Same as yesterday!" Believe me, the real answer I wished I'd said would've been something like "Didn't you already ask this yesterday?! Can i just work and you ask some other dolt this question!?" Yeah, there's no genies in my fairytale.

Fast forward a few weeks later, this creepy guy kept getting more creepy. He'd be so compelled to offer rides home in exchange that he hang out at my lonesome apartment with me. The free rides were amazing, don't get me wrong... I just felt awkward around him. His prominent nose, rested his thinly metal frames to his face, and his long eyelashes batted my way, as he stared back at me in thoughtfulness. He wouldn't leave my apartment till about 12 o'clock at night, even though I begged he'd leave at a decent hour. He was just so persistent. And I truly believe we were both lonely souls.

Every morning I'd bike on into work, and he'd be standing there, front and center of the fitting rooms. I'd whizz by him, about to change out of my sweat filled clothes, as he yelled "Hey there you!" My gosh.... That feels so long ago. 2016. Over 4 years to be exact. I sometimes reminisce those days. They were simple, and not so full of heartache. Sure, I was depressed, but I wasn't where I am today, wishing I still had a fighting chance...

Me and that guy ended up getting together. After months of him taking me home, not leaving till the ass crack of dawn, him buying me food or drinks in the morning before work, we just hit it off, and I gave in to his kindness. Maybe guys do these things to lasso girls in until they have us. I really have no idea. Maybe the newness wears off and they just give up trying. Still, I had wished those moments lasted just a little bit longer. Those days I cherish, because these days are much different.

Fast forward a few more months, and I ended the contract to that shitty apartment. No more memories of past guys who didn't give two shits. I still owed my ex 500 dollars. Well, in his mind of course. I blocked him faster than I could type his name. This new guy and I moved in with my brother, and things began to change again. I feel like I'm always the one stuck in the newness of relationships. I just don't want it to end, so I try and keep it that way. It's strange how a person can turn off like a light switch. Cause this man turned on a dime in moments time.

I figured out why though. He had been talking to his ex the entire relationship we were in. He wanted that person back, even though he now had me. Even though I was apparently this man's new world. I was pulled from the rubble of my trying times, and here I thought I had found the one. But I was about to learn that some people cannot be changed; and just like that, he let go of my hand to my metaphorically induced death.

Weeks turned into months and months to a year. We fought about the small stuff, the big stuff, and everything in between. He was a flirter. He never was taught the true fundamentals of a real relationship. Probably because he had really only ever been with one person, unless you counted flings and lets have sex partners. He was a broken man. But I tried my very best to see past that. In the midst of it all, I fell in love with him. There was just something about him I couldn't seem to pinpoint. Maybe... Realistically... He reminded me of my dad, and I was like my mom. Why you ask? Well, the demeanors were the same. My dad was a laid back man. He was goofy. He was funny, fun-loving, cared about his family and close friends, but he was a loner too. Even though my dad has us in his life, he was a truck driver and was always gone. My recollections of him were him always being away. I would have nightmares after his death, of him riding away in the distance, semi and all. So this guy I had found, was the epitome of my dad. Hell, he even danced like him, liked all the same shows, old westerns, actors, even the beans and cornbread for dinner. And they both did this oddly funny Boo! when they tried to scare people. It was just all one crazy non-coincidence.

And then there was the relationship. It was definitely like my parents. They loved each other to death. But... My mom loved Dad more. I could see that. And when my dad hurt my mom, she never left his side, regardless how big of an issue. I felt the same way about this guy. I still do to this day.

We are now broken up again, with our sweet little boys in the middle of it all. He had taken me back in March of 2019, and because I couldn't seem to trust him with one tiny thing, there he went again, turning on a dime. In a matter of 2 days, he let me go again. This time I wasn't pregnant with his baby. But the last time it happened, I stopped eating for awhile, I stopped caring, and I was depressed again. I just wanted my family back, and now I have to go through it again. We live together, for the sake of our children seeing their Daddy, and to pay the bills without hassle. But here I am, so broken again.

I wake up daily, looking at him from afar, wishing he could just grab me from behind like old times. Heh. Old times. This was literally last year. We were fine just last year. He was holding me tightly, he was filling up my heart with all the love he had. His wet kisses, his warm hands falling into mine, his sweet cheeks I'd gently touch with my lips over and over. He was sending me messages talking of I love you babe... oh Babe. I still want to call him that, but he stopped calling me that. I'm just Jericka again. I absolutely HATE that name when he says it. I'm supposed to be Babe, Baby, or his silly pet names like Bubbawuh, or Pumpkin Butt... Now I have to ask for hugs. Now I can't just expect them anymore. Now it feels like it did last year when we ended things. His confusion has us in limbo until he decides if I'm worth another chance or not. And it hurts, because our little boy loves us together. One of them giggles sweetly when we would hug or kiss. It became so heartbreaking to know it's all over.

I still adore this man. Even after all the hurt he put me through. I can't seem to shake that. You ever felt like that with someone? Where just the sound of their voice, made your heart skip a little bit faster? Reminds me. I still have the cute voicemail he barely made me last month. It makes me cry sometimes to think I can't have that either. Sure, he's still goofy on occasions, but if I'm feeling like I want to embrace him or give in to his kisses.... I'm not allowed anymore. I feel like a prisoner and he's the cop. He can watch me from afar, not feeling anything with me, and he's okay with it. And this prisoner, gets nothing but solitary confinement.