My hysterical work at home horror story....

So, like most people, I work at home. Gosh I'm so lucky! I get to wake up, get the kids off to school and head up to my home office. Today, being my mini Friday, I decide to go casual. Long tank top nightie it is! I'm workin’ in comfort! I sip my coffee and turn on my wax melts, throw open my windows, loving life and the smell of pumpkin spice, and the fact I work at home...all alone. Just me and my 6 doggies.

Most days I count myself lucky, TODAY isn't one of them. I head down to crate my pups and feed them like the good little fur mommy I am. Only to come BACK up to my loft and find what can only be described as Satan’s fury.

Is it a moth?

A BAT?

A BIRD?

It's in my HOUSE and it's looking right at me. It's large, dark and FURRY OMG!!!! My first thought, "omg, all the dogs are crated" My second thought ", I should burn the house down after I save the dogs".

AH! I know, I'll call my HUSBAND! Mistake #1

Me: “AARON OMG THERE"S A BAT, BIRD, GIANT BLACK OMG FURRY THING”!

Hubs: “Its fine, go get the bug spray and kill it”.

Clearly he doesn't realize the gravity of the situation. Mere mortal pesticide isn't enough. I need a shaman, a priest and an exorcist. Holy water couldn't hurt either.

Him: (laughing) “I have to go into a meeting. Call ya later”

Me: (weeping) “Tell the kids I loved them”

It's just me and the pterodactyl. He looks me dead in the eye, flies AROUND me to show me exactly whose boss and then flutters against the window. I scream bloody murder only vaguely remembering every window in my house is open.

(On the upside, if the sheriff DOES show up at least he'll have a shotgun and we can blast this son of a bitch back to hell)

I see him on the window and I look around, not one single thing I can use as a weapon. I run into the bedroom to grab a hanger. I peek around the corner and he's GONE! Just like that! Poof!

I trust nothing. At that precise moment something tickles my back.

Screaming, I fling my nightgown off and across the room only to see the bastard reappear at the top of my window sill. Well played Satan. Well played. Did I mention I'm the ONLY 2 story house in my entire GAW DAMN neighborhood!!! Windows open, boobs flying and a screaming lady chasing a bat/bird/moth THING around the entire top floor of my house NAKED!!!!! He lands on my desk near the wax melts, in my fury I slam my hand down trying to scare it and fling scalding hot wax EVERYWHERE!! I'm now in pumpkin spice HELL and oh yes on fire and did I mention BUCK ASS NAKED!!! He swoops into the curtains so of course I frantically bat at the curtains trying to get him out. The curtain rod falls and I now have a naked window. No cover. Out of options....I call my mom.

Mistake #2

Good ole mom who proceeds to LAUGH at me hysterically while I try to defend my home and my very LIFE against this satanic demon winged monster!! I finally pin the bastard between the window and the screen, slam it shut and yell in victory. Only to look out my back window and see my elderly neighbor in her back yard looking up at ME!

Meanwhile the dogs are howling…

The house is demolished…..

The curtains are ripped and crashed to the floor….

And my mother is full on laughing on the other line so hard she can barely breathe.

Welcome to my life! Enjoy the giggles 