My Husband Secretly Likes Men—and He Doesn’t Know That I Know

I’ve always considered myself bisexual. I figured it out when I was young—SMG from Buffy the Vampire Slayer was my first female obsession—and I’ve always been extremely supportive of others in the LGBTQ+ community. In my ideal world, loving who you love wouldn’t be a “big deal.” We would just introduce everyone to our partners, and everyone would be accepted and happy. No awkward conversations, no labels, no fear of judgment.

But life—and love—is rarely that simple.

My partner and I enjoy swinging at clubs together. It’s something we’ve always done as a couple, and it’s something we’ve always enjoyed. Over the years, though, he’s made comments that have made me pause. Subtle things, hints that he might be curious about men—but he’s never said so directly. Whenever I’ve tried to gently approach the topic, he shuts down, and I can tell he doesn’t want to go there.

He’s a big, masculine guy—think Rip Wheeler from Yellowstone. He’s strong, confident, protective. But I know that in his past, an ex made derogatory comments about him being “feminine” and insinuated he was gay. I can’t help but think those comments might have left a lasting mark. They might even be the reason he struggles to fully explore or express that part of himself.

I want him to feel comfortable with who he is. I love him enough to want happiness for him, even if that happiness doesn’t necessarily include me. (Though I hope I’m somewhere in it!) And that’s where I hit a personal crossroads: I’m trying to figure out how I feel about potentially seeing him with another man sexually.

This is where things get complicated. It’s one thing to be bisexual yourself and support others in the LGBTQ+ community—it’s another to reconcile your own desires, your partner’s desires, and your comfort levels. It’s okay to have limits. It’s okay to acknowledge when something makes you uncomfortable. Loving someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own feelings or boundaries.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far on this journey:

1. Clarify your own feelings first.

Before trying to discuss anything with him, I’ve had to spend a lot of time reflecting on my own feelings. I’ve asked myself: What would I actually feel if I saw him with another man? Would I be curious, uncomfortable, neutral, jealous, or even excited? The answers weren’t immediate, and sometimes they conflicted with each other. That’s normal. Our feelings aren’t always simple, and sexuality isn’t always neat.

I journaled a lot, trying to separate my emotions from my instincts, my ego, and my fears. Sometimes writing down a hypothetical scenario helped me understand the nuances: Would it make me feel closer to him? Would it make me question our relationship? Would it change the way I see him? I discovered that the more I understood my feelings, the less anxiety I had around them. I felt more prepared to approach the topic in a calm and compassionate way.

2. Communicate gently, with curiosity and compassion.

Approaching my partner about this isn’t easy. He’s sensitive, and I know that some of his past experiences have made him wary of judgment. Whenever I’ve tried to probe, he shuts down quickly, so I’ve learned to approach the subject slowly. Instead of pressing, I try phrasing like, “I want to understand you better and make sure we’re both comfortable exploring these things.” That way, I’m expressing love and curiosity without judgment or pressure.

I’ve learned that timing and tone are everything. A gentle, patient approach invites honesty, while a confrontational or anxious approach shuts him down. It’s a balance of validating both our needs—my need to explore my feelings and his need to feel safe.

3. Separate your feelings from his desires.

This has been one of the most important lessons. Loving someone deeply doesn’t mean you have to share every desire. You can support a partner’s curiosity or exploration while still maintaining your own comfort and boundaries. My partner might want to explore a side of himself I’m not into—and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me a bad partner; it makes me human.

The key is to maintain honesty and self-awareness. Knowing your limits, and being able to articulate them clearly, doesn’t harm the relationship—it strengthens it. It creates a space where both partners feel safe expressing themselves, even when desires differ.

4. Check your boundaries.

Swinging and sexual exploration are exciting, but they work best when boundaries are clearly communicated and respected. I’ve realized it’s important to know what I’m comfortable with—and what I’m not. Being honest with myself about my limits doesn’t make me selfish. It’s a form of self-care and self-respect.

For example, I might be curious about him exploring men, or I might not be. I might be okay watching, or I might not. The point is, I have the right to define what’s okay for me, just as he has the right to define what’s okay for him. There’s no “should” in this space—only what feels authentic for each of us.

5. Understand the role of shame and past trauma.

Part of my partner’s hesitation likely comes from past experiences. Someone made fun of him for being “feminine” and insinuated he was gay. Those comments may have left a mark. It’s important to recognize that shame and past judgment can deeply affect how someone explores their sexuality. Compassion and patience are key. I can’t force him to overcome that shame, but I can create a safe environment where he might feel comfortable doing so on his own timeline.

6. Remember that love doesn’t require total alignment.

This journey has taught me that love isn’t about perfectly aligning desires. It’s about creating space for each other, respecting boundaries, and supporting growth. I can love my partner fully even if I don’t want to participate in everything he might explore sexually. That doesn’t make me less loving or less committed. It makes me human, aware of my own needs, and respectful of his.

Ultimately, navigating open relationships and non-traditional sexual exploration requires reflection, honesty, and compassion—for both yourself and your partner. It’s about understanding and communicating your feelings, supporting your partner’s journey, and balancing love with personal boundaries.

For anyone navigating these complex dynamics: it’s okay to explore, it’s okay to say “no,” and it’s okay to love fully while staying true to your own comfort. Take your time. Be honest with yourself. Be patient with your partner. Love is complicated, but with care and communication, it can also be liberating and deeply fulfilling.