My husband groomed me into submission

I met my husband in my early 20s. He is14 years older than me so a decent sized age gap. We've been together going on 15 years now. We have had ups and downs but somehow I always found a reason to stay.

I am just now realizing how much he changed me and how everything I do is catered to his wants and needs.

From the beginning I was told not to expect to hear compliments or him saying I love you. He said that saying it too often takes the meaning away. I though oh yeah that makes sense. But now, I can't even remember the last time I heard those words come out of his mouth.

I got lectured on why asking him about his day was so cliche. He said that this isn't a sitcom life and it's not something that needs to be asked.

I got told I was insecure when he wanted to bring another woman into the bedroom. I was told that his ex used to surprise him with a third and that I'm just so insecure for not doing the same.

I got told that it's normal for men to not want sex often. But when I brought up him consistently choosing to masturbate over have sex, I was told I was psycho and again insecure for thinking that.

We argued when talking about chores around the house. It led to me apologizing for asking him to help with stuff like take the trash out.

I have stopped talking a lot and sharing stuff about my day. It doesn't matter if I do or don't because getting his attention away from his phone is near impossible. Many times I am midsentance and he starts talking and cuts me off. But heaven forbid someone interrupt him.

I gave up the idea of having kids because he didn't want more. Even though he told me before we got married that he did. I stopped trying to talk about it when he started turning it into an argument and then telling me "see this is why I don't want to have kids with you"

There's so much more I'm sure I'll realize. We have pleasant moments. Sometimes he's really sweet. I've put in so much time. I honestly don't even know who I am anymore.

comments

I’m so sorry you’ve been treated as though you aren’t worthy. You sound incredibly kind and you are deserving of the type of love that makes you feel blissful and secure. Look up sunk cost fallacy if you don’t know about it already. You may have put in 15 years, but that doesn’t mean you should waste another 65.

I am really sorry you've been through this.

I think you know what you need to do next.

Do you want to stay? Is it possible for you to leave this marriage? It is time to discover yourself. You are so young. You can have love, sex, and children. You deserve it. You deserve to be yourself

I plucked you from your mother and moulded you into what I want” - the exact words my ex husband said to me towards the end. He was 12 years older and we met when I was 20. Only after we divorced after 23 years of marriage, did I finally get to be and explore the real me that was somewhere inside, that I had repressed to always please him. Only then did I realize how fucked up it was, and that he basically groomed me. I have never been happier since I left, and truly love the real me! Please, please do yourself a huge favor and leave him, it is NEVER too late when it comes to your happiness and sanity.