My Goodbye

I have always loved you. Whether you question that or not, it's never been in question. That also doesn't mean I don't hurt. I've come to realize that no matter what I say or do I'll never hold that spot of your heart reserved for another. I see now that when you decide something about a person there's no room or hope for change. If you've decided they are the love of your life, no amount of wrong doing or bitter words will change that perception for you. As well as if you have deemed a person has wronged you there's nothing that person can do to redeem themselves in your eyes. I sadly reside in the latter position. I know who I am, I know my thoughts, I know who I was. I'm proud of who I've become and the changes I've made. I'd like to say that they came too late, but I'm afraid it would have always been too late from the day I met you. Can you at least understand why I hurt and the depth of it. Whether you believe me or not I love you beyond measure. But you've never loved me, and you don't love me. And there's a constant presence of another whom you do. Can you understand just how much that hurts? Every day. You say that I don't love you that somethings change whithin me since you had an affair. You're right that somethings changed, but not that I don't love you. The innocence died, the ignorance that nothing bad could ever happen. I find myself at a loss at times because how do you expect me to feel after those realizations. Day after day we talk about how I messed up, how I wronged you, and how what I do or say now doesn't apply because you're stuck in then. Does trying even really matter at that point?

What am I to do? I've been hanging on for so long. You've said you can't leave but you're not able to see me in any other way than how it was back then. Does that mean we're to stay in this state until the end? Should I be the one to set you free. Free you from the burden of me. So that we both can begin to heal. I can't change the past that you're stuck in. But I can change the path we're on. You've said that the roles have basically switched, but there's one difference. You at least have him, I've never had anyone, not even you. Is it wrong for me to long for more, to long for someone to love and to love me? For a very long time, longer than should be deemed reasonable, I've thought to myself things will get better. If I'm just better. If I become all the dreams you've had. If I can show you just how I've always felt. For so long I had hope. have I lost that hope? I don't know where it went or when it left. In parts I guess. That moment you told me for the first time you've never love me everything changed. My perspective of all the events up that point and going forward are shown in a different light. A different understanding. A light within me died that day, now I just feel used up. Deflated, like I've been drawn to thin accross a chasm to wide. Like theres just this battery thats just been pulled out of me and somethings just gone. You can't put words to it. Whatever it was it's just gone.