My God or My Heart.

"What Lack I Yet"

Sometimes the righteous fall into the foolish assumption that the Devil no longer seeks to pull them into damnation. That you have proven he has no power over you so he has moved on to easier prey. I was such a man.

I've read that the Devil was cunning but recently found just how cunning. One of my greatest desires is to find love and I don't mean for me to fall in love. I mean for me to find a woman that genuinely loves me. Though I would like to say I wish to marry a righteous woman all in all the biggest pull is when I believe they may in fact actually truly like me for me.

So I recently met this woman who actually seemed genuinely interested in me and made it quite clear she wanted to sleep with me. She was very annoyed at me for having any form of faith. The thing she was not happy about the most was that I would not have sex with her till after marriage as my God commands. At this moment both of us kinda knew it was probably not gunna work out. Despite this she still wanted to see each other. Which had me very interested because this is usually the part when most chicks are like I'm out! lol. So for a short while we flirted, hung out, and eventually shared a kiss. I would like to note after which she claimed "You don't kiss like a Christian man." 😅 I assume that was a compliment, got a laugh outta me.

Despite all the seemingly good signs I was also learning more about just how casual she was with past sexual experiences it was clear, to her it meant little if anything. She even casually spoke about starting an OnlyFans account (basically YouTube but you show videos of your body and sexual activities for money.) I knew then it wouldn't work out. My heart didn't want to accept what my mind already knew. My desire for love was trying to overcome what was clearly inevitable.

She noticed a change in me and asked what was wrong. I shared my emotions plainly. Explaining that I could not share a woman even with just the internet. Though I believe its not going to work out I really wish it could. To her credit she contended little against my statements. Claiming the OnlyFans thing was just an idea and agreeing that it probably wont work out. However she then made it clear that she is a sexual person and if I wasn't religious Id be the only one.. she would be mine.

To be clear the religious part is solely referencing no sex till marriage. Basically sleep with me I'm yours. This was by far the greatest bout with temptation I had ever faced! Not due to some carnal desire to have sex but purely due to my strong desire to find love. My heart ripped as it tried to take hold but it was my will that responded. "I wouldn't be your last or your only. Id just lose my honor and my soul." Though I basically said she would likely cheat on me we ended on good terms wishing each other the best. Another credit to her that I gladly admit.

A clear victory against temptation.. yet this victory is not filled with glory nor joy. I do not rejoice but limp as I grasp my hollow chest. For what I sacrifice is what I desire the most. My swollen heart now lays upon the altar. Having tempted me shall I rend it asunder! Having only pain to pump shall I cleave it to pieces! Having only led me to darkness shall I cast it to the fire to never beat again!! Tell me Lord! What use do I have for such a vile thing! Tell me Lord! does an angel come to stay my hand! Tell me Lord!! Why do I in victory feel forsaken!!.. Tell me for all I see are dark clouds, all I feel is the rain upon my face, and all I want is Love.