Motherhood

I lie on the couch and try to get some rest while my newborn is finally asleep, while my toddler plays on the floor beside me. My ears are filled with sirens, not real, but from a toy. Man, I miss silence. What I would give for a nap without the white noise of toys being thrown in the background and the wet blanket of breast milk I now have on tap. I lay still, almost in a peaceful state of mind. WHACK!! You have got to be kidding me! I jump up as my toddler has just walked up and assaulted my temple with an ambulance. “We don’t hit people with trucks,” I say. That's a phrase I never thought I’d say in my life. This is my reality now. Once a bright, organized young adult, now a mobile milk dispenser with toddler counseling abilities. This is motherhood, folks, and I’m here to tell you the good, bad, heartfelt, and ugly parts that come with it.

When I had my first, I read every baby book under the sun while I was pregnant. Life was simple with just Greyson; he slept well and rarely ever cried. I was a pro at this mom thing. Or so I thought; I then had Weston. Everything I thought I knew was now useless information. He never slept, still never does, and oh my gosh, does he have a good set of lungs. On top of that, my once very calm, gentle baby was now an 18-month-old walking tornado, unintentionally trying to kill himself.

I want you to imagine being gifted a 6-pound, fragile lump of playdough that does nothing but scream unless it's attached to your chest. All while also being given the responsibility of keeping the Tasmanian devil alive, as they constantly try to eat things off the floor and throw themselves off high surfaces. To say this was a challenge would be an understatement.

I will admit that I cried a lot in the early stages of being a mother of 2. I thought I was messing up in every possible way. How would anyone think I was a good mom? I suffered from OCD and felt a lot of guilt and shame for not being able to complete all the cleanliness standards a house should have. At least this is what I told myself: “If my house isn’t staged as if no one lives here, then I'm a dirty person and a bad mom”. I think what helped me overcome this thought process is realizing that a happy home looks lived in. I have grown to see the difference between dirty/gross and just signs that my kids are being taken care of.

Fast forward to my present self, I wish I had given myself more grace. I was harsh on myself in every aspect when I should have seen what everyone else around me saw. She was a loving mother, learning as she went. Greyson taught me how to be a mother. Weston taught me to have patience. With this new baby, I am looking forward to learning how to slow down. I feel like I mentally missed so many of the precious moments with my boys because I was so hard on myself. I want to change that from now on and take advantage of every small moment that happens from here on out.

Now that I run a daycare in my home instead of working for one, I have learned to let a lot go when it comes to tidiness expectations. My house is rarely spotless, I have toys out almost all day, every day, 5 days a week. I should say 7, because even on the weekends, my 2 boys scatter every toy out when they get the chance. I have grown to let go of unimportant things like tos being out. I feel less stressed spending my time on more successful tasks like my garden, sourdough, and regular housework like laundry and dishes.

If there’s any advise I would offer to a new mom is that its ok to have no idea what you're doing. Showing up and trying every day is what matters. I also highly recommend you keep in mind that every child is different. Speaking from experience, no child is the same, even if they’re siblings. My boys are like night and day. This third baby will have its own personality for me to decipher.

Motherhood will never be easy, but it is most definitely worth all the lessons that will come. Now that my boys are older, I am faced with a new challenge. I am no longer being hit with trucks; instead, I’m playing referee as they try to fight like it’s MMA and stopping them from peeing on strangers' cars in public. I will also be faced with the newest challenge of being a girl mom coming in October. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it's that being a mother makes you resilient. My life is comical and beautiful in so many ways, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.