Mommy Dearest,

Mommy dearest, I have quite a few things to say in this letter to you. A few sad, scary, and downright disappointing things. I do want to start by saying that I love you, and I pray to whatever gods will listen, that you never actually read or come across this piece of writing.

First thing, I had sex at a very young age, an age where you're not supposed to know what sex is, and it was with one of my best friends at the time, the one who ended up marrying my other best friend. We didn't know it was 'wrong' or 'against God' at the time either, all we did know is that we were supposed to keep it a secret. I loved them very much, and I still do in a way, but that's just secret number one, we have several more ahead, so buckle in, it's a ride you won't be able to get off of until I'm done.

Secret number two, I've wanted to end my life more than once. The first time is when you decided to pull me out of my junior year of high school. I remembered wanting to stay with my friends, knowing I would be alone and all because of an 'incident' that happened and was over with about a year and a half beforehand. I loved my friends, they were my entire world and you took me away from them, they cared so much for me and you stood by doing paper work to transfer me out while we sobbed before the second semester started. I remember coming home and wanting to know how many pills it would take to go to sleep forever, and for that few months, I hated you. You took my family away from me and I hated you for about 4 months.

The second time, I'm not sure what sent me into a spiral, but it wasn't a good time for anyone. You were actually there for that one, so it's not really a secret, however, I know some of it was due to my ex causing me issues with myself worth and loyalty to her, as well as keeping my sexuality a secret, the love I had for her broke me down in so many ways and I was taking a lot of emotional abuse for 2 years. I even told you I didn't want to be there anymore, I didn't want to live anymore. It was such a simple yet complex feeling, I know part of it was being in denial about being depressed, but I think the bulk of it was keeping secrets. Being unable to express myself was the hardest part of all of this. So I'm very glad I have this outlet and able to write this even though you won't be reading this.

Secret number three, I was talking to people online way before you found out. That was just a problematic time for me in general, I had just gotten baptized as a Jehovah's Witness, and then shortly after my 'spirituality' declined. I was looking at porn and talking to folks online about sex and wanting to have sex at an early age, you found out a few years later, but it started years before you found out. I loved the attention, and especially from one of your coworkers at the time, his name was Tyler. He made me feel seen and wanted, which was all I wanted when the rest of our family was a mental basket case and I was relatively unscathed. So during all of that I was pioneering and going to school. I remember being embarrassed having to change after class into a dress to go out in service.

The last secret that I'm willing to share, I regret my baptism. I'm pretty sure you already know that though, I don't keep it a secret anymore though, I say it out loud and with a strong voice. I fully believe that JWs are a cult, I believe that they brainwash and control you. All they do is repeat what you already know just in different formats. It's crazy to me that I didn't catch on sooner, but deconstruction takes time. I hope you realize it soon, the emotional blackmail isn't worth it in my opinion. But we can only hope, right?

Love your daughter R.