Momma, I remember the night I found out Santa isn't real...

Momma,

Remember when I was 12 and we were spending Christmas Eve night/ Christmas morning at Nana & Pop’s house?

It was late Christmas Eve night and we had finished all of our Christmas Eve festivities. Me, you, sister, grandparents were slowly, holiday-cheerfully bringing the night to an end and getting ready for bed (for Santa to come!). All that was left to do was to wait for Santa to arrive.

We had spent the night opening a present (or two) and eating more food than the five of us needed. Chickfila nuggets, a table of Nana’s Christmas cookies….

At some point during our festivities, Nana wasn’t feeling good. Ill of a stomachache, from too many cookies I would imagine. She didn’t announce or make a huge deal, she just sat quietly and watched the rest of us celebrate Christmas Eve.

I remember overhearing Nana tell you she wasn’t feeling good, and some whispered words about what there was still left to do to prepare for Christmas the next day.

When time to go upstairs for bed, you tucked us in, me and sister, and told us goodnight. You told us you were going back downstairs to help Nana clean up the kitchen and prepare for Christmas the next day, since Nana didn’t feel good and there were still things to do to be ready for our guests tomorrow.

Are you remembering?

Well, there’s something you don’t know.

That’s the night I found out Santa Claus isn’t real.

You don’t know this story. I never told you.

I crept downstairs, probably for a glass of water, when I saw the end of my childhood starting to be laid out on the couch.

Presents from Santa.

Naive to what was actually happening, I happened to come downstairs at the EXACT moment both you and nana were not in the room, so you never saw the moment I found out. Determined to unsee, to unruin my Christmas and my life, I turned around and SPRINTED back up the stairs and into my bed, while trying to still be quiet enough you didn’t hear the sound of my feet.

I did all I could to convince myself I didn’t see it. I tried to come up with any other reason presents would be laid out on the couch before Santa came. Those are my presents from my mom and grandparents, right? Why else would they already be laid out for me? Santa doesn’t come until everyone is asleep….

I still don’t know if Nana “not feeling good” was just a cover or if she was really ill, but either way it was nicely pulled off. Until I ruined it.

Soon after, you woke me up because it was Christmas morning and of course I was still as excited as I could be. Actually, I think I momentarily forgot about the horrific truth I discovered, but I put on a face for both you, Nana and sister so I wouldn’t spoil Christmas for anyone else.

Oh

There’s something else you don’t know.

Remember when I was 12 and Sister was 8 and we were spending Christmas Eve night/ Christmas morning at Nana & Pop’s house?

Mom,

Little Sister here.

That was the night I found out Santa isn’t real.

One night a few years ago, little sister and I were talking, reminiscing. Christmas 11 years ago came up, the night we didn't know we both found out Santa Claus isn't real.

“WHAT? YOU KNEW?” "HOW?"

We went back and forth laughing at the details of how we both found this out on the same night, somehow both missing each other and somehow both sneaking around Mom and Nana.

We went back and forth again in disbelief: “I never told them because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings/upset them!” “I never told them because I didn’t want to make them feel bad”

"I pretended for you for years because I didn't want to ruin Christmas for you!"

"I didn't say anything because I didn't know if you knew or not!"

Sorry Momma (and Nana).

We pretended few years more. For you Mom. Because it made you excited to pretend for us.

1. To keep the magic of Santa alive

2. Because we knew you would be so sad if you knew that’s how we found out and neither one of us wanted to hurt your feelings.

3. Because we love the Christmases you pour your heart into planning for us.

Momma,

Remember when I was 12 and Sister was 8 and we were spending Christmas Eve night/ Christmas morning at Nana & Pop’s house?

We hope you know how much we appreciated all “Santa” did for us that Christmas. We hope you know how memorable it was for us, because of you. You make every Christmas special for us, it’s what you do. Its what you have always done. Its special because you want it to be the best for us, so you do the most for us. We love your Christmses, each and every year. We pretended to make you happy, so you could plan our Christmases because you wanted to make us happy. It wouldn’t be Christmas without you Momma.

We love you.

Love,

Your Darlings