Mom, I wish you knew

Mom, I think you should know. I have been dying to tell you but I don’t know how that I was pregnant and then I was not. It started a few years ago like old stories go. a girl and a guy fell in love with eachother that’s how it went, they kissed and they kissed and I’m sure you know what happens next. The chemistry between us was such on fire, he loved me and for sure he was the one. ( I still think this but I’m married with kids now.) you never met him or even knew he existed. He’s been a secret that nobody knows, and I’ll keep it that way because I’m sure I’d never tell you all this anyways. When I was with him life seemed so much better. He was the bad boy and I was the good girl that he some how wanted. We had met through mutual friends and he attended a concert with me as a blind date. He was the drummer of a band and his world was so cool. Everything that night was such a bliss, we enjoyed the music and even danced a little he was a gentleman the whole night. We got back into town and went our seperate ways. Until I text him and asked him to come back, to stay with me until I fell asleep to which he agreed. The next morning as the sun came up he kissed me and left and I was hooked. He didn’t say much to me about his life or about him. Only that he didn’t date or do the girlfriend and boyfriend scene. His life was his music and that was pretty much it. I could never compete with his drum set I would have always came second place. That was always okay with me. I showed him a world that was different each time we hung out, something that he would say was a “normal” life. The typical 8-5 life that he was so unaccustomed to, he lived a night life scene. The one where he would disappear on me weekends as if he didn’t exist. But then return Monday morning but during those times he was unreachable and unseeable. As our days of our first meet seemed a distant past the more we spent with eachother the more it seemed like he was getting used to having me in his life. Of course he only included me in things he wanted, he believed it was his way of keeping me safe. I was hooked to him like a drug, everytime I saw him I wanted more of him. I never saw a side of him that he didn’t want me to see. So than it began, the butterfly feeling. The knots in my stomach we’re getting stronger. I felt sick, I felt a utterly different feeling. I knew, I was pregnant. I took the test just to make sure and behold the two little lines darker than anything I had seen before. It was the greatest news that could be, we were expecting; “how great a family of three.” i remember clearly mom, you guys were scheduling a family weekend camping trip, I had to stay behind because my work schedule didn’t allow for me to go. It was the perfect time to figure out my next move. As soon as you guys packed and left for the trip, I text him and called him and told him we had to meet. He knew in my voice something was wrong and he didn’t understand it. I told him with joy, “I am pregnant.” Till this day I remember his stone cold look, with a pause in his voice and then his reaction. Slowly he said, “ I don’t want it, get rid of it.”

I stayed and cried as to why he would say these words to me, I didn’t want to ruin his life but I wanted him so bad in mine. He drove off and left me there with tears in my eyes. Hours later he called me to talk it all through as he let everything sink in, he asked “what do we do?” I told him I wanted to keep it more than anything. He said he couldn’t give me a family life and I informed him that I didn’t need anything from him if he just let me keep it. He said he couldn’t do such thing, leave a baby just like that without caring for it but that he also couldn’t have a baby in his hectic life. I begged and pleased but it was still a NO.

The last day before you guys were scheduled to come back from your trip I had a decision to make. We met once more to discuss the possibility of our options. I wanted the baby I did but I wanted him more. We agreed what was best and made the last call, Monday morning the clinic and We’d be done with it all. I took him with me in hopes he’d change his mind. I left the clinic 45 minutes later with a small brown bag, sat silent on our way home thinking, “what have I done.” I thought I had made the right decision I was so sure because I’m the one who brought it up and made the arrangements as well. I was pregnant and then I wasn’t how could that be, far along to be exact four months and some days. They gave me the ultrasound and a pamphlet to read. What comes after an abortion and how to proceed. He cried on the way home because he regretted this decision but it was all already done. We slept that whole night through to numb the mistake we thought we had solved all our problems away. I mostly did it because I didn’t know how you’d react mom, I already had a daughter at fifteen and that was not planned.

A couple months later as we tried to recover, we said our goodbyes and decided it was best for us to part ways we had been through enough together we didn’t need to add more. He said he loved me and that wouldn’t change. I lived with the memory every day and could never escape it. Mom I needed you more than anything but I couldn’t tell you and I still can’t don’t know how I’ve made it. Here I am in 2022 when all this occurred in 2016, still reminiscing on how old things should be. Just so you know mom I regret my decision, and so does he every second and minute. You would have loved this guy I know you would have. I still do just don’t tell my husband, he’s my friend and we have a secret no one would have guessed it. If I ever tell you mom just know that I am sorry. I was pregnant and then I wasn’t that’s how the story goes.