Mom, I Love You...but

Mom,

I love you…

May 19, 2013

I can’t handle her anymore. She has no reason to treat me the way she does. I do everything she asks of me. I agree with everything she says. I try hard in school, so she is proud of me. I try to be like her because it makes her happy… I don’t deserve all the things she says to me. I am not lazy. I’m not a bitch.

but it hurt.

I continued to love you…

May 22, 2013

I may have been a little overdramatic for my last entry. She can just be so mean. She is my mom and I love her.

but it wasn’t always easy.

I loved you during the hard times…

August 1, 2013

A lot has been going on. I’ve been sleeping at Liz’s for a while because I don’t like being home with Mom.

but I also couldn’t stand you.

I loved you, even when I didn’t love myself…

October 2, 2013

Sometimes I wonder what other people’s lives would be like without me. My family might be better off.

I’m such a burden.

but you made me feel lost.

I loved you when I didn’t want to live…

November 18, 2013

Sometimes I wonder why it is so difficult to live but so easy to die. Life is filled with struggles and sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to give up.

…

Mom has started drinking more again. Okay, a lot. I don’t say anything because she will just deny it. She doesn’t like to hear her children. I feel like I will always love mom, but I have lost respect for her. She just isn’t the same person she used to be.

but you didn’t notice the damage you were causing.

I chose to keep loving you…

November 22, 2013

My mom is the only person that’s ever been able to make me cry. Real crying. Tears rushing down my face so fast I’m not sure they will ever run out. Big sobs that hurt my chest and make it hard to breathe. Nose so stuffed up that I start to breathe heavier. And cry harder. A cry that takes my voice away. I curl up into a ball and hold myself because it feels like no one else will. I feel like no one hears my cries or cares about them. Or me.

I feel so alone.

And I hate her for that.

but you taught me to hate.

I loved you when I still could…

January 23, 2014

PAGES CROSSED OUT IN BLACK SHARPY.

Sometimes people hurt themselves physically to forget all the mental hurt.

But you hurt me so much I hurt myself.

I loved you…

July 23, 2014

Today was a good day. Mom, Liz, the babies, and I all went out shopping. Mom thinks I follow her around too much. Really, I just can’t stand being cooped up in this tiny apartment for days.

because sometimes you were also my solace.

I loved you despite it all…

August 4, 2014

Sometimes I feel entirely too alone in this world. Sure, I have my family, but even they aren’t at arm’s reach…It is hard to talk to Mom. She is too judgmental, and she always has to be right. Not to mention the drinking habit.

but I couldn’t reach for you.

I loved you when we connected…

August 20, 2014

Mom and I have been trying to be healthier. We eat more vegetables and diet meals. We try to go for walks too, but Mom cancels a lot.

but the effort wasn’t there.

I loved you when I was hoping for better days…

August 27, 2014

I am praying (HA) that this year things will change. We will get on our feet, and everything will be fine. I want my family to be happy. Mostly, I just want a normal life.

but I wondered if you were hoping for the same things.

I loved you when you seemed to care…

October 30, 2014

I feel like I am a burden on everyone. Mom can’t afford to buy things for me, but lies and gets things for me, and then she gets mad about it later. I feel like it is too stressful for me to be around anyone right now…I wish I could take care of myself. Then they wouldn’t have to struggle so much. I try, I really do…I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. The stress and anxiety are a lot to bear…

but you made me feel useless.

I tried to love you…

November 17, 2014

I can’t deal with all this bullshit anymore. She says she wants to be selfish for once, do something for herself. Lately, all she seems to care about is herself. And she doesn’t even deny her alcohol problem anymore. She always used to say how horrible we were for calling her a bad mom. Doesn’t she see what she is doing to us?

but you couldn’t see.

I wanted to love you…

July 29, 2015

It has been a really long time since I’ve wanted to write about my feelings. For a while, most of my feelings were just sad and depressing, so I didn’t bother keeping a record of them. Especially when mom left. But I’ve decided to start writing again because, well, it’s what I do. Maybe years from now I can look back on this and not remember the pain but what I learned from the pain and see the strong person that came out of it. So, here we go.

…

Liz is bringing Mom home from the bus station now though, so I don’t know what will happen. Stay tuned.

but you left.

I needed to love you…

July 30, 2015

I know I can only avoid my mom for so long. But up until now (noon) I have managed it. I’m just not ready. Finally, my life is at a standing point. I am happy. I want to stay happy. And why shouldn’t I be? I think after all she put me through, I deserve it…I’m just not ready to fall back into my old life.

but I was scared.

I learned to love you again…

August 1, 2015

It seems almost normal with Mom again. Like it used to be a long time ago. I’m never going to forget what she did, but she had a rough time for months. She hasn’t had a drink in a week and says she won’t be anytime soon.

but you lied.

I loved you because I understood…

September 20, 2015

When I agree with everything she says, I’m understanding and respectful. When I actually need or want something, I’m an ungrateful bitch. I just wish I could just take care of myself. I can go off to school, live on my own, and I won’t be such a burden on the people I thought were supposed to take care of me. There’s always something I’m doing wrong…

but you still made me feel worthless.

*

Mom, I stopped journaling…

because I'm busy taking care of myself.

Even when I cry so hard it takes my voice away.

And I do love you, Mom…

even if I haven’t forgotten.

Because I understand now that you felt lost, scared, and worthless, too.