Misadventures in Online Dating

I’ve dated, both online and off, intermittently over the years. At times, raising my children, growing my business(es), or simple dating burnout, made me take a break. But I’ve always jumped back in at some point.

My most recent online dating dive has taken me into deep waters filled with men who’ve succeeded in being memorable. Unfortunately for them, it’s not for the reasons they may have hoped.

Let’s take a look at my most recent misadventures, shall we?

Guy #1: Be my fantasy girl

This guy was off to a great start. He had a cute smile. Sweet, great sense of humor, and his voice… the first time we talked on the phone, I swear my whole body wanted to melt at that rich, deep voice he had.

We had incredible chemistry over the phone and on video chat. When our conversations were about topics other than sex, we had plenty to talk about. He was a bit persistent in trying to turn the conversation to sex but I’d made it clear that I wanted more than just a hookup. He seemed okay with that, which is why I agreed to meet.

First problem: that meeting took place in a parking lot. No dinner, no drinks. His reasoning was he had a trailer hooked up to his truck and it was difficult to maneuver in smaller parking lots. I could have overlooked this and let it go, if not for the rest of the two hours we spent together.

Second problem: He talked a good game about being generous and giving. But once we were together in person, he spent two hours doing everything he could to guide me toward sex. From gently massaging my arms or shoulders to blatantly grabbing my hand and trying to place it on his crotch, he was quite determined.

But not once did he do anything that indicated that, if I gave in and did what he wanted, he would return the favor. From his words to his actions, everything said I was nothing more than a real-world receptacle for his fantasies. Maybe he was actually attracted to me. Maybe he was just connecting with every woman he could until he found someone willing.

I’ll never know because I’ll never see him again. He scored minor points for asking me to text him when I got home, but then lost those points when he didn’t respond until the next day. That was the point at which I let us both off the hook.

Perhaps the worst part of this whole thing? He was a very attractive guy and had he not pushed so hard and come across so selfishly, he might have actually had a chance at a casual relationship like he wanted. But he didn’t know when to back off and let nature work its own magic, so he missed out.

Then again, he’d reached nearly 40 without learning how to kiss properly, so I guess it’s not that surprising that he doesn’t know much about the art of seduction.

Guy #2: You’re a paranoid freak!

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that there are plenty of scammers on dating sites. I’ve reached a point where I do a quick reverse image search just to make sure a man’s photos seem legit. I also get a first and last name before the first meeting so I can do a quick Google search and make sure he has no criminal history that I can find and no obvious indication that he’s currently married.

It’s just due diligence.

I thought this guy was a nice enough guy, but he kept calling me dear, darling, sweetheart, etc. From the first message. And not only did I not like it simply because we don’t know each other yet, but it also made most of his messages sound like they were coming from a scam account.

So I politely reminded him of my name (easily found half an inch away from my profile photo) and asked him to please use my name instead. I mentioned that his messages were coming across like those from a scammer because of the way he used dear, darling, etc. It was a casual mention, not a big deal.

His response was to say that he was convinced I thought everyone was a scammer.

Um… okay?

He continued by telling me that I would never meet anyone if I thought they were all scamming me and I should just let down my guard.

When I failed to respond right away (because I, someone who uses words to make my living, could not find the words to respond to such a ridiculous accusation), he said I was a paranoid freak and he was sure I thought everyone was out to get me.

All because I asked him to stop calling me pet names.

That was the point at which I responded, “LOL Okay” and then unmatched from him.

I have no idea if he was a scammer who was pissed that I figured him out or if he just overreacted to what I thought was a simple request. Whatever the case, I have no time or desire to try to convince someone they’re wrong about me. I’d rather spend both my time and desire on someone who is equally interested in me and willing to respect my boundaries – whether they’re paranoid or not.

Guy #3: No, really, I’m famous and just keeping a low profile

Ah… Terrence. I use his name here because I know it’s not his real name. Or maybe it is – but he still can’t be identified because he’s using the photos of an actor.

In fairness, it’s not a super famous actor. He might be hoping to be famous one day but for now he seems to do local theater in the city he lives in.

But Terrence wanted me to believe that he was a recently graduated engineer who was repairing cars until he found a better job. When I searched his images and found that they came from the actor’s Facebook page and website, I asked Terrence what the deal was.

First he got angry and accused me of “stalking” him. Then he told me he had an agent and was trying to break into acting. But he was keeping a low profile… in a town near me that no one who lives more than two hours away has ever heard of.

It almost would have been believable. Almost.

The fatal flaw in his lie was the actor’s Instagram account. In particular, photos the actor had posted that day. Of him and his wife. In a city in another state and talking about what they were doing there that day.

I didn’t even give Terrence a chance to explain again. It was obvious that he’d lied. I didn’t need to hear more lies. And the truth would have been too little, too late at this point. I simply blocked him and moved on.

Dear Terrence, should you happen across this, may I give you a helpful hint? Perhaps when you steal another man’s photos and pretend to be him, you should make sure they don’t belong to a man who wants to be famous. Also, maybe he shouldn’t be married either.

Guy #4: I Googled cheesy pick-up lines from the ‘80s

This guy’s story is super short because he never even got to start the race for my heart. His opening line when messaging me was to tell me he wanted me under his tree for Christmas.

🤢🤮

I don’t think I’ve ever been less turned on in my life. All I could think was, does he really think that will work? Does it actually work?

I’d like to think nerves got the better of him. But I can’t convince myself of that. I mean, we’re talking a written message on a dating site. He could have taken five minutes to think of something better. Hell, he could have taken the five minutes he spent Googling that bad line (unless he came up with it himself) and instead Googled good opening lines on a dating site. It’s not like there’s any shortage of them.

Guy #5: Let’s make a deal

This guy sent a first message that seemed legit and interesting. He described a few hobbies, one of which was bitcoin. The others were ones I was familiar with and so I thought I would give us a chance for a real conversation by going with the one I wasn’t: bitcoin.

I confessed to not being familiar with it. And that gave him the opening he was looking for.

He came back trying to sell me on bitcoin. He wasn’t looking for a date. He was looking for someone to do business with (or maybe it was a scam. After all, I am a paranoid freak, right?).

And if there’s any doubt in your mind that he wasn’t looking for romance, when I failed to respond to his bitcoin sales pitch, he unmatched me. This was less than three hours later.

Will there be Guy #6?

Although I feel I’m rapidly approaching burnout again, I haven’t yet given up on my quest for romance. I’m sure there’s at least one or two guys out there who are sincere, funny, sweet, generous, and can come up with a creative and original way to open a conversation.

I’m currently talking to a couple of guys who are showing glimmers of promise. There’s not a lot of chemistry yet, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that means we’ll be able to focus on really getting to know each other and something beautiful can blossom from that.

And if not? Then I’ll come back and add to the list.

But I’m sure you can understand why I might be hoping for blossoming rather than more material for my writing.