Men Can Be Victims of Abuse, Too

There is a culture of shame around experiencing and reporting abuse, particularly when it relates to intimate partner relationships. According to the CDC, nearly half of all women and men report being the victims of psychological abuse and intimidation, and I suspect those numbers are underreported. Society still tries to justify the victim's role in the abuse, which discourages speaking out.

While I was reading about the Gabby Petito case, this lengthy quote jumped out:

"Abuse in relationships, which data shows is more often, but not always, perpetrated by men, comes down to 'power and control,' according to Rosemary Estrada-Rade, director of quality assurance and innovation at the National Domestic Violence Hotline."

Estrada-Rade continues, "It's about that pattern of behaviors that are used within relationships to maintain that control over the other partner," she said. "So it could be physical violence, but a lot of times its intimidation, manipulation, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and financial control…"

-Katie Kindelan for Good Morning America

My partner is recovering from the abuse he suffered at the hands of his ex-wife. He has been silent about it until recently. He and his ex were together for 21 years, and she managed to convince him that he was too stupid to manage their money, had a bad memory, and should only rely on what she told him, that she thought violence lived inside him (even though he'd never lifted a finger against her or anyone else), and that he was so ugly, no one else would ever want him. He was lucky she deigned to be with him.

For the record, he's extremely attractive (both inside and out). And I'm not just saying that while dreamily staring at him through rose-tinted glasses; I see it in the way my gay and female friends stand a little straighter, push their chest and butts out, and laugh more in his presence. I see it in the way the server at the restaurant lingers near him just a little longer, or how the cashier's eyes soften while we check out at the grocery store.

And he's so kind and sweet. His heart is huge and he just wants the people he cares about to be happy and healthy. It's hard to believe anyone could treat someone this loving so horribly.

A few years before they split up he expressed to his ex that he felt unloved, unhappy, and unappreciated. "Every marriage is like this," she declared. "Get over it."

His ex controlled the finances, refusing to turn on the AC in summer and heat in winter, "Because the vaulted ceilings are inefficient and it's a waste of money." She combed through his credit card receipts, making sure every penny was accounted for, all while siphoning off hundreds of dollars to accounts she solely owned.

She also controlled his free time. He felt like an ant under a microscope and started becoming more withdrawn and moody.

He developed severe anxiety, a spastic sleep disorder where he'd thrash around in bed, and was constantly shaking or twitching his feet and legs. He still startles easily and I've learned to scuff my feet or talk as I'm rounding the corner into the room he's in so he is aware that I'm approaching.

He finally told his mom last week about what he'd endured and she cried and apologized and said she'd had no idea it was that bad.

He feels ashamed talking about his past relationship - like he either deserved it or somehow should have been stronger so he could stop it.

When he was going through his divorce, he wrote a lengthy letter about how he felt he was treated during his marriage. He was ashamed once he saw it all on paper - that he'd allowed the treatment, that he didn't stop it, that he was wounded so badly by it - and wondered if his lawyer and the judge would believe him. Men are so infrequently the victims but it helped him to say it aloud.

His childhood was chaotic, and the familiarity is probably why he was drawn to his ex in the first place. During one nasty fight, he told her that he felt like she'd completely broken him, and she snapped back, "You were already broken when I got you." His eyes welled up when he told me how much that hurt.

My heart breaks for him with each new revelation. When we'd been dating a few months he confessed that a part of him was waiting for me to start getting controlling and mean to him. He was waiting for me to start belittling him. I cried silently next to him that night after he'd fallen asleep. How can people be so cruel to one another?

I imagine that it will be a long road to recovery, but he's finally starting to process all he's endured. I'm noticing that the more he talks and brings to light the trauma, the less he shakes. His leg is still now while we snuggle up to watch tv. He doesn't jump as much at loud noises. There is no thrashing while he sleeps.

I asked him for a favor yesterday and he said he wasn't up for it at that moment. I smiled widely and thanked him for saying no to me. He's learning to place boundaries - with me first because he knows it's safe - and I'm confident they will expand to other relationships in his life.

Though I don't know this woman except for stories he and his family and friends have shared, I'm mad at her for how she treated him and the resultant PTSD he suffers, but I also pity her. What kind of upbringing must she have had to be so awful to her spouse? How ugly must she feel inside to tear him down so viciously? How hurt must her soul be to intentionally inflict so much pain on him?

No one deserves abuse. If you or someone you know needs help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline delivers assistance and resources.

National Domestic Violence Hotline