Memories of an I phone

11 October 2015

Tell me how fast the speed it goes sometimes it gets so hard it hurt everything to swallow every gulp sounds like a deep regret falling so deep you can’t hear your chest

Following so blindly no ones acting kindly no level Iq could tell you how far your gonna get in life till a test proves there’s no fear in life

19th December 2015

I’m not a big fan of my life and future if all I see is bad luck

Everything I stick together closely and carefully gets broken and leaves me lost its constant hurdles over and over again with no good results

How do I loose so much from staying still

7th March 2016

Keep throwing me under the bus u asked where i was u never told me to move amd then someone says something and im under the bus all these things are things you have never taught me and your acting as if all of these things i should know so either your a bad fucking teacher or am I just the rude girl from london all this tradition shit is not in my wheel house so stop acting like i shoukd no what im doing cause clearly i dont know shit

Making someone feel like they are selfish or even just trying to stay out of trouble doesn’t work I don’t think I would want to come back stop trying to convert me don’t say one thing to my face and throw me under the bus at the same time. Am I supposed to feel worse than I already do before I can feel happy again people are just dragging my timeline even longer and pissing me the fuck off.

14th March 2016

It’s quater past four in the morning this is the fourth night in a row around about this time I haven’t been able to sleep properly and I’m currently in the toilet with the biggest diarrhoea going have to be careful with what I eat and I’m gonna drink water and Fanta for a while I can’t take it I just what all this weight to fucking go it’s a pain in my ass no pun intended. I threw up as well which was just so delightful it’s not been going so well for me hurt my arm pretty bad it’s been a week and it still kills my hand looks like it’s been burned my head is icthy as fuck and I just can’t seem to get a decent night sleep oh and let’s not forget my heat rash on my arms and neck and for the first time the peeling if my skin on my fingers I’m surprised I’m not freaking out I do wanna cry though sort of

24th March 2016

I mean I’m sorry but is it a thing now to get married? not trying to rain on anyone’s parade but we go through stages of our lives before we know ourselves and I think you have to know someone from their inner child to their ass moments before you can consider such a step u may say I sound bitter because I haven’t done the whole I’m dating omg I love you take my eggs dance, but it’s like people are scared of waiting to really invest in someone, if you don’t know how you are going to be in 5years how they hell can u say yes to “forever” I don’t know I’m just thinking

9th February 2018

It’s that look in their faces

They know something you don’t know

They know somethings you don’t remember

No excuses just tell them the truth

They warn people about you

What is worse the truth or a lie for them to understand

I have my moments

I have my times

I have those times I want to forget but can’t

So I do everything to make my wish come true

What about you

The all high almighty I’m not fooled I’m fazed not slightly

I smell fear I smell fake

If a real person was to take you(place) you would flake

You would crumble down to crust coz that’s the way the cookie crumbles

10th February 2018

She said I’m going to find a man but he will be crazy and cause trouble that I should watch out but the second who comes after he is the one I should look forward to and keep

7th June 2018

How does it make me feel when people judge me / make comments

Who am I ?

18th June 2018

My name is Rusimbi I’m 26 single finishing my masters and I’m homeless

As I write this I’m currently on a 476 bus drinking a black ace. Now the one thing I will say and will come into account is how I love my alcohol and I’m not cheap but today was a good day just filled will burst of anger bad news and annoyance so the fact I’m broke haven’t paid my phone bill have 4grand to find to pay for my masters all my underwear gone somehow and I’ve put on so much weight my skin between my thighs hurt when I wear a dress. I think me wanting a buzz on a cheap drink should give me a fucking pass.

I know that people are currently living their lives. I feel as I infest a lot of my self into others and I haven’t revived it back. I feel like I have no one to talk to you so instead I’m just going to talk to everybody I’ve reached the no fucks limit officially. I pissed into a bowl not long ago so help me god. Everyone is so scared of themselves it’s that I have no shame I just don’t care. I’ve come along way a long way from where I am not panicking just taking one day at a time. I tell you one things my friend I’ve been through we all have our stories some sadder some happier some heartbreaking more than others. My story will allways have humour in it. its the only thing apart from music that keeps me from snorting every pill with a bottle of merlot and jumping out of the 16th window of a high rise building. If I honestly couldn’t do it anymore that’s how I would bow out finally attack my fear of heights. A girl can dream cuz that’s just not in my blood. A woman told me she liked my dress today that was really nice. I started writing again to be full of inspiration. Now I’m gonna sneak into my mum's place eat and watch football. England is playing. It’s the World Cup after all. It’s supposed to be a good time. Right?

19th June 2018

You ever get the feeling that there is something going on that you don’t have any idea about. And now you are just curious to figure it out. It’s 6.52 am allways park people going to work a lot of men walking in one direction I have a feeling there’s is something there but I just missed it. Gives me something to explore later on. I’m tired my nose is running I have a splinter feeling in my head I think it’s an onset migraine coming on. 8:18 sitting in Baxtor’s court a Weatherspoons in Hackney since the stoke Newington one seems to be under refurbishment caught some morning action at the bus stop a couple and the police a lot of police. A lot of people starting but no phones out who knew the people of Hackney had more class or it could be no one gives a shit and it’s just another Tuesday. 10:59 I don’t know why people make appointments and not stick to them been waiting for an hour for someone to come open the door of my old flat so I can get my things they say they desperately need it to be out. 6:41pm just had a nice hour -long conversation with a good friend of mine known her for a decade now how far we have come you know in the five years I was at this flat I never just sat outside and chilled never gone to the park with a book. It’s been a sweaty day packing and moving boxes but when the storm is over and you can catch your breath again things like sitting on the wall listening to Drake with the nice weather seems priceless. I’ve decided I need to invest in suitcases I’ve had the same one since birth all my stuff is dissected into small bags and backpacks seems like a lot but I think suitcases would defo make my life easier. In my 26 years on earth, I have moved 8 times this will be the transition into move number 9. So I’m going to set myself a goal no more moves after 13, see if you thought ten would be it then I can say with confidence haha fuck that I know my life is gonna continue to be one heck of a joy ride. But when you actually can stand yourself init in this band of existence no matter what is going on after all you have been through you don’t need to sweat the small stuff.

Just find your self a wall take a deep breath and enjoy listening to Ciara ☀️🙌🏾

20th June 2018

So my phone screen is cracked still functional however when I record on Instagram there is no sound but other apps it works fine. This is problematic for sure and is another reason why I will never understand technology. Had a really good rehearsal today even if it was by myself slowly getting there. I have to resist a whole module so that sucks I’m pretty sure I have to do my research in music as well which I think is just fucking pants to be honest with you everything will be capped at a pass but since I know what I’m doing I’m not freaking out. I’m quite surprised that I’m freaking out I’m not quite sure what’s keeping me together maybe I’m all over this place like a functioning alcoholic I don’t even think I can call myself s functioning alcoholic that shot has cut down too. Like seriously who am I mans need to get her groove back so let’s break it down. Rewrite debate 1 this weekend ma and my back are gonna be lovers it’s the most closest net action I’ve seen for months 🙈 okay back on track debate 1. Then start my dissertation discussion and somehow find a band around the team up to do an audition next Sunday haha now I think about it I’m completely all over the place. I’m functional

Sitting at West Brompton station. What is in West Brompton anyway?

21st June 2018

Would you let a feeling a thought ruin a whole productive day? Surely not to. do not let the day end on a sombre note no matter what it was that made slight doubt your whole day of efforts. I get off at Tower Hill today it’s one of those stations that you have to exit and walk across the road to get to the door however since this was my first time I had no idea where I was going. So I did what anyone would do I picked a direction and I started walking only to find quite a big DLR station called tower gateway. As I was taking in this new piece of scenery into my memory of all things in London I still do not know about I embark on the train ready to have a quick journey for the man who had to pass me earlier a good looking man was to sit in front of me accompanied by his girlfriend. Half Caucasian half Asian light-skinned toned lovely couple and as they sat down couple started emerging all around me. A white couple then an older white woman and Indian man couple and I thought. For fuck sake on this lovely day I wish for once I could have someone sitting next to me on the fucking DLR.

2nd July 2018

How do people flirt these days? When do you push when do you pull away?Seeing old punters at your old pub with a chance of hope that they will be there. And getting to see the one actually person you wanted to see that’s sweet. That’s a small fraction of part of building relationships in London. Finding out the timetable and lives of other civilians in London not being on a train at a certain time. Being lonely at the wrong time when your so called set of a person. I want to find out the counteract movement of cider to larger because it’s weird. Nigeria is out of the World Cup and being it’s the first time I’ve actually been present and public this World Cup I have found a lot of people watch it from home or everyone just retreats to their comers. I can only imagine that south is packed right now from 🇳🇬 fans. I met a guy who was inspired by me and wrote a poem there was have no indication he was leaving I wasn’t expecting anything from him. Given all of that information and nothing to happen begs the annoying question, how the hell do people flirt these days and again i don’t know what men want. I thought at least from having a decent and deep conversation. There would be better goodbye contacts. Nothing just me myself and I

15th July 2018

There are moments unexpected that happen in your life that happens to answer a question you had lingering in your mind. We search for answers as humans we are not patient people wanting the end result quickly without the pain and work the progress needs. I experience that on a Saturday night when in fact I thought it was a Sunday. After helping a car not explode I sat inside the living room of my Italian sister after putting her son to bed. Mid conversation a gathering next door decided to let off fireworks. Within the 1st 5seconds, I asked myself is it November already?no it's not and at a time such as 11pm what crazy person thinks it is a good idea to let off fireworks if you want colours in your sight pop a few mushrooms and dream. by the 6th second my body jolted up and ran out with precise clarity of mind to put the latch on both doors on the way down. As i walk towards the next occupant house i knocked i waited and said. I have just put my son to sleep what in the world are you thinking, apologies are said with sniggering man - children in the background carelessly judging,me. I don't want to you ruin your night but please don't make me come back again.

The steps I took back to the abode my mind is going over one word. “Son” it was not because I didn't want him to wake to delay my evening however the fact we had such a beautiful day and I knew he was tired. A firework bang can scare the best of us not knowing what it is and being grateful it's not the sound of a gunshot. People have said they think I will make a good mother and now I have surprised myself with the sure assurance that I protect people. At for the first time I experience what they call a mothers instinct.

15th July 2018

Can you imagine meeting a stranger for the first time and they tell you something about a person you love that you didn’t know? How would you feel?

What would you say? London is full of people from different countries, races, religions how can you think you know all when you haven’t been everywhere, 195 countries approx 4,200 religions and as of early 2018 7.6 billion people on this planet called earth. Tell me you can’t learn a thing or two Tell me why you as a human being refused to listen.

The human brain has a few gigabytes of storage space, similar to the space in an iPod or a USB flash drive. Yet neurons combine so that each one helps with many memories at a time, exponentially increasing the brain’s memory storage capacity to something closer to around 2.5 petabytes (or a million gigabytes).

If our brain has the ability to grow. Then why can't you use that to grow within yourself?

People can change but only if they want to.

21st July 2018

When you don't go out for a while you start questions the place you know and have been. For so long. Things start to begum hazy when you know in the back of your mind yes I'm going the right way yet your sitting on the same bus you have been sitting in for 6 years and wondering am I going the right way. We neglect our minds so much we allude ourselves to think that we know what we do. When in fact we know nothing. Not a fraction, not binary but nothing I'm sitting in a bus I have taken multiple times yet still ask the driver if I am going in the right direction. Let's laugh some more we don't know the direction we are taking in life but fear of missing out if we pass the bus stop we should get off.

25th July 2018

3 cider black

Fosters

Double gin

Aspall

Getting on a 106 for the first time I'm 6 years I'm loving this I don't know where I am since I decided to get on the but at 1:20am but it's excited right? As long as you get to your destination.

Omg there is a road called rock street brilliant

10th April 2019

I think im scared of intimate settings

It's that push and pull of u wanting to be near someone yet not too close for them to see your scars. It's not that they will see them it's that disappointment that they will see them and not say anything at all. Im not all put together and who’s to say that even if I was I would feel any different to how i feel now. We live in a world where nothing around us is at our pace with this enlarging fear that we're running out of time when in fact i haven’t started shit. I chose this life I chose this way because I chose the right way. The hard way is the normal way. The normal way is my way.