Magnets on the Brain

Jerry and I had played basketball together for years but I'd never met his wife, Christina. They had never met my wife, Paula, either. Paula and I had been driving into town on the country road they live on and had found them taking a walk one morning. We stopped and made introductions. We decided we needed to go out to dinner so we made plans to meet at a restaurant.

Days earlier, my cell phone camera had been shaking and making noises whenever I would shoot video. So, I looked up the issue on YouTube and found a temporary fix. You simply put a magnet on your phone opposite your camera and your video would stabilize.

On the day we were to have our dinner date, I went to my work at the hardware store. I found a package of 10 tiny magnets. They were extremely strong. They were also small enough that they wouldn’t stick out too far. When I got them out of the package, it was hard to pull them apart. I stuck one of the magnets on my phone and, sure-as-the-world, my camera steadied.

That evening after work the real story began. I was on my way to our church to pick up Paula when I got an idea. The goofball that I am, I’m always trying to get a reaction out of her. I try to make her laugh or at least roll her eyes at me. I thought “I'm going to take these magnets and put one on one side of my ear lobe and one on the other.” All the while, I was driving and looking in the mirror. It looked like I had an earring. But, everybody has one of those. It wasn’t a big deal so I wondered what I could do that was different. “I know”, I thought, “I'll stick one inside my cheek and one on the outside.” I tried it and still wasn't satisfied. So, I stuck one inside my nostril and the other on the outside of my nose. Then, I decided to take it a step further. “What if I make it look like I pierced the center of my nose?” So, I put one on one side of my septum one on the other. The septum is thinner further up the nose and the magnets instantly slipped up to the thinnest point. They’d gone clear up my nose and had stayed there. I couldn't budge them and it already hurt. “What am I going to do?”, I thought. It hit me. Not only was I needing to pick Paula up, but we are running late for a dinner engagement and we need to head straight for the restaurant.

So I drove up to the church. For some reason on that day the pastor’s young kids followed her out the door talking. A little ways towards the car she realized, “Oh my gosh, he has his fingers up his nose.” I had not one “finger” but multiple “fingers” up both sides of my nose. She was thinking, “Oh no, oh no, how can I distract these kids”? Thankfully, they never noticed. She got into the car and I told her what happened. She immediately made me turn the car around to face away from the church.

Having ten minutes to get to dinner, I had to get those magnets out. I was working very hard but I just couldn't do it. I remembered that there was a screwdriver in the trunk. I thought, “Maybe a magnet would stick to the screwdriver and I can get it separated. Or, I could pry it apart.” So, I grabbed the screwdriver and I got it close to a magnet. It went “clunk” as it quickly attached to a magnet. It was a big screwdriver and when it hit the magnet it really hurt. “Ouch!”, I cried. The screwdriver was stuck to one of the magnets and it hurt to pull it off. I tried again only to have the same result; more pain and no progress. I even mentioned to Paula that she was going to have to go up there with her fingernails. She wasn’t having any part of it. She was, however, videotaping at this point and said it was one of the funniest things she’d ever seen.

I spent as much time as I could and realized I just couldn’t do it then and there. When we got to the restaurant, I said, “Listen, go in and stall them and tell them I'll be there in a little bit. She said “I don't even know these people! How am I going to explain this?”. I knew she would figure something out.

I stayed in the parking lot and began working with the handle of a plastic spoon to try to pry the magnets apart. Those things were squeezing tight and that plastic was sharp. As my eyes began to water and my nose was starting to bleed I was almost ready to give up. I decided if I had a bigger mirror maybe I could get them out. In the meantime, Paula is sitting down with Jerry and Cristina trying to figure out how to tell them Randy is going to be late but not tell them what's going on.

I walked over to the table, picked up a napkin and told them I would explain later. I went into the bathroom and only worked on my nose a little bit before I realized I there was no getting the magnets out. I was just going to have to eat dinner with those folks and have to explain everything. I sat down at a very quiet table with my wife there trying to not laugh. I’m sure they have heard some interesting stories as they were both retired mental health therapists but I don’t think they were expecting this at dinner.

It was the first we’d spent time together and I had to tell them, “Listen, I, uh... The reason I'm late is because I stuck some magnets up my nose and I can’t get them out so they are still there.” They just looked at me as if they didn't know whether to laugh or be horrified. They sat there looking uncomfortable until finally I reached down and picked up a spoon and hung it off the side of my nose. I motioned “ta-da” like a magician. They busted out laughing and then the cameras came out. We sat there over an hour more. Needless to say we had great conversation and enjoyed each other's company but the whole time, my eyes were watering and I was in pain.

It was time to drive home so I had about half an hour to continue trying to get them out and trying to figure out how to keep from going to the emergency room. The last thing I wanted to do was spend hundreds of dollars and explain how a 56-year-old man got magnets stuck up his nose. It sounded like something a parent would take a two year old in for. That would be understandable. But for a 56-year-old, “Hmmmm!?”

As we were driving, an idea came to me. When we got home I went straight to the bathroom mirror. I was a little apprehensive about putting more magnets up my nose but my idea seemed like a logical remedy, so I went for it. I put a stack of several magnets up one nostril and they immediately attached to the magnet on that side. I pulled on it and, “Voila.” Like the spoon trick earlier, I performed one more trick. I was free!

At my family’s Christmas gathering I shared my story with my large family. Paula says she’s never seen them laugh so hard. There were tears, red faces and a few probably almost lost their drinks. Over and over I heard, “Only Randy!” and then the laughter would start all over again. More than two years have passed and they still laugh about it. Giving my family something to laugh about was priceless. For that reason, I have no regrets. Not only that but, “Goal achieved!” I made my wife laugh!