Love yourself more.

Let's start from the beginning. I'm the youngest of 5 and the closest sibling in age to me graduated high school when I was 12 years old. Moving in with just my dad and not living with any of my siblings until my freshman year of high school meant I spent a lot of my childhood alone. Now, I'm no therapist in any way, but I'm almost positive this somehow led to my deep investment into my friendships and relationships. Along with other issues I'm in the process of healing from, I have a big fear of being alone and abandoned. Now that we have a little background, let's get into exactly what led up to this reflection.

My first real relationship was my junior/senior year of high school. We're just gonna call buddy "Jerry". Jerry was and still is a raging narcissist. My two best friends spent 90% of our senior year telling me to leave him. Being that I believed I was so "head over heals" in love, I overlooked so many obvious red flags for the sake of keeping my relationship. He would constantly gaslight me, make remarks that were very misogynistic (negatively discussing the number of sexual partners a woman has, while praising men for example), belittle me, I felt like he uncinsciously reduced me to sex, and overall just made me feel small. I got my license and car first so I was driving him around everywhere, just wanting to be with him all the time really. The kicker was, I was never all the way happy because of the red flags I overlooked. I pushed them to the back of my thoughts, because when I did bring them up I was gaslighted to the point I didn't want to address anything. This went on for 2 years. Of course it got worse over time. I (stupidly) moved in with him after graduation and the arguments got louder, more violent, and more physical. I went crazy, leading me to drugs. I could've left so much sooner. Had I loved myself more than I hated being alone, I could've avoided so much heartbreak and pain.

I finally broke up with Jerry, and somehow ended up distracting myself with someone new. We'll call him Eric and I was just looking for fun and somehow got stuck. I would get off work, go home and shower, and end up with Eric all night. Then I got kicked out after an argument with me and my mom. I didn't have anywhere to go but Eric's house. Little did I know, Eric was something I hadn't encountered before. He was a full on liar and cheater. He was using me for everything I had, especially at my lowest point because he saw how vulnerable I was. I ended up losing my job because of him. I went completely broke delaing with him, the whole time he had 5 other girls he was getting money from and cheating on me with. Then the violence started. I didn't know this, and if you knew him from school, you would never guess how abusive he is. I was hiding bruises from my parents (who, at this point, invited me back home, but I was so "head-over-heels" I stayed away). I was isolating myself from everyone I knew and loved. I saw girls in his phone, I even caught him after he was having with another girl in an alley. For some reason I stayed. I ignored every blantant, universal attempt to get me away from this man. I woke up and went to bed feeling so horrible about myself. I got in legal trouble that landed me of probation. I've been on the run from police. I was constatly fighting and defending myself from the other girls in his life. I started feeling so ugly because I wasn't eating and drugs made me lose so much weight.

The brekaing point with Eric was when I woke up in the hospital on Valentine's Day. My parents were in the chairs next to me, I couldn't feel my tongue for some reason, my face felt blown up, and I had doctors come in and explain the scariest thing I'd ever heard. Then it started coming back me. I had been unconscious for the better part of a day because I was having back-to-back siezures. The cause? Trauma to my head and brain that led to a brain bleed. My face feeling so blown up? I had a horrible, ugly black eye and a fractured eye socket. They told me I was lucky to wake up wthout any permanent brain damage. I honestly could have died. Where was Eric? That morning when i had the siezure he was with me and he called 911. He told the police I was jumped by a group of girls and then he left me at the hospital to go be with one of those same girls he said had jumped me. The first phone call we had ater the incident, he was trying to get his story together, telling what to say, etc. Looking back I am actually baffled, how could a person be so absolutely unconcerned with someones wellbeing, especially after he almost killed me?

That same day I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I moved back in with my parents and my pregnancy went great. I decided he was not allowed in my daughters life and she will never know him. I was feeling so much better about myself. I was gaining healthy baby weight, making money with my new job, planning for the new baby, and thinking about my new future. About 2 months before my baby got here, I started talking to a new guy. We'll call him Will. Making me feel good, making promises, and giving me a sense of hope. Before this, my whole pregnancy I hadn't been talking to really anyone, especially a guy. We immediatly clicked after our first meet up. I was so in love. Little did I know, the foundation for our relationship was built on lies. Anything built from lies will always crumble. Since there was now a baby in the equation, the family promises really hooked me in. He was using me too, using my vulnerabilities against me. I was ignorning so many red flags, mostly the things he said to me. Honestly, he's the product of Jerry and Eric having a love child, minus the physical abuse. Fast forward to I get kicked out again, we go bouncing all over Georgia looking for steady places to stay. I found out he's cheating and has been the whole relationship. I start questioning everything, he gets upset with me because of my reaction to the cheating. We decided to separate, but work together. Things went downhill from there. When things got to hard for him, he left me and my daughter. He took a bus back home and left us where we were. I dont think I'll ever get over that. After all we had been through together he just left, he left me at my absolute lowest point. I sat at rock bottom with him during his. I should've left first. Now, I am pregnant again and our son is due in November.

I'm back home now, enrolled in school, looking for a new job and trying to have a plan for my kids and I. Will says he want to be involved and here for our son, so we will see. I hope he keeps that promise. I am focused on myself and my happiness and mental health.

So I say all that to say this: never put anybody above yourself. Leave at the first sign, the pain is bearble and you will survive and move on. Never put 100% into somebody if you not getting that same thing back. Had I left after the first few red flags with all these guys, I could've saved so many tears and broken hearts and time. I'd be so much farther in life, I'd have my degree by now. I do believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe I went through this to save my children, or to save someone else's. I do not regret my babies, I got something beautiful from all that pain and I am forever grateful for them.

Your love will find you, don't let your loneliness allow everyone into your space. If you are a giver like me, stop giving to those who do nothing but take from you. Put that enery you put into everyone else into yourself, your money, and you future. You are worth so much more than you settle for.