lost

There was a time when I knew you, knew how to find you, how to call you. There was a time when I believed you would never leave me, that you would always be by my side.

Now I sit here in what I have become, and I realize I truly lost you, I realized how desperate and hopeless my situation is, and I’ve got no one to blame but myself. To say I know how I lost you would be a lie, but I think I know when I started to lose sight of you.

It has been 10 years now since I last saw you, and not a day goes by that I do not look for you, even if I am only pretending to look, even I know I will not find you this way. I lie to myself and think today may be day, but the truth is I do not have the strength or the will to find you.

I think about you often, there are nights when I cannot sleep thinking about you, most of my thoughts are of wonder, like " I wonder if she'd approve?" or " I wonder if she'd hate me" I wonder how pathetic I sound.

There are times when I cannot handle the guilt of having lost you, that I cry myself to sleep, and even then, with all that despair and pain I think of how you would feel to see me in that state. To know how pathetic I have become, this is who I grew up to be, you would be ashamed.

I would like to blame him for what happened, I would like to curse him and tell him how it is his fault that you are not here, I want to scream and shout, and beg for him to return what he took so I can have the courage to ask you to come back. There have been days when all I want to do is give up, let go but I cannot maybe I am just a coward, maybe I am too stubborn, whatever it is I can at least say I am still here, I am still holding on, I am still waiting; waiting for you.

However, as I am now, I do not have the courage to face you, I am too ashamed of who I have become.

So, I get up in the morning and I go about my day, I try to tire myself out with silly mundane things, I will start a new show become so emerge in it that I cannot think of anything else, I will start a new painting or a new project anything to keep me busy, I will blast the music in my ears as loud as possible, so I will not hear my self-think. And now I'm writing.

I am writing about you because your gone but still here, because I do not know if I killed you or if he did, or if you are out there too scared to come back, but I miss you I cannot be me without you...

I will keep holding on, I will keep going until I cannot anymore, I will keep pretending to look for you, I will keep missing you, and should you ever find yourself on your way back to me do not be surprised by the utterly ridiculous, shameful, pathetic girl that looks like you. I am still you.

So, are you still out there? Are you on your way back? Do you miss me? Or are we fated to never again see each other? If so than I wish you all the best wherever you may be.

Sincerely you.