Lost in the Gray Haze

Growing up I knew I was slightly different from other kids. As young as 5 years old, I must have been attached to my parents hip. My parents tell that as a baby I was well-mannered , never fussy, and cute.

As I grew up, from the multiple minuscule snapshots of my childhood, I was always tagging along other kids in the neighborhood. I was playful but reserved and more focused on being a grade A student. Generally, I was not a 'problematic' child.

When I hit my teens, my parents took me to boarding school in faraway but serene place. I think this is where I really started to understand what kind of person I was.

You see, where I come from, people don't really express their feelings and thoughts. I battled with being a sensitive child who didn't know how and where to vent out. I would easily cry and feel lonely. I could majorly attribute to this emotional turmoil to being away from the familiar sights, sounds, and smells of home. I also think teenagers are not the most self -aware people and can come off insensitive.

There were occasions where some of my classmates would ask why I was so quiet and why don't I speak up. A few of them thought I cried too much. I believed something was very wrong with me and I started to emulate the outgoing kids in class. It never worked.

Time moved too fast then I was enrolled into high school which was even further from home. Here I got labelled the quiet and the weird girl. I didn't know how to defend myself but just internalized everything and remained silent. I just put my head down and studied my books like my life depended on it. Dating was also never in the books for me.

University was a bit different as I could be 'more adult'. I was more carefree than before but still self-contained. I was never good at making close attachments. I had friends but they didn't really know who I was. I was very closed off and only went to like three parties my entire four years in uni.

Every time I met a guy, I always immediately got insistent itch to leave before even the first date. I had grow used to my own company and feel threatened like a cornered animal.

In my present life, I feel like my extreme introversion has made me miss out on opportunities and great relationships. I feel clumsy, unsure of myself, and overly self-conscious. I yearn for connectedness and be a real friend to someone. I believe I can offer so much more than I am offering. I want to take on more responsibility and not allow guilt of being who I am to burden me. If only I could step up to edge of a cliff and scream my lungs out.

Good thing, I'm aware of this and working to make myself a better person today. I hope to be the best version of myself, travel more, and meet new people and enjoy life.

I have also learned I can't please everyone. A statement that has resonated with me for the past one month is; just because you don't like or understand something, doesn't mean it lacks merit.

Maybe my story comes off as vague and general experience, but it took me a lot of courage to write this. I am also proud to finally realize that I am not different, I am just unique. I hope I inspire someone to step up because no one will do it for you except YOU.