Life

There’s a simplicity to life when you’re a kid. You rely on other people to clothe, feed and shelter you. To teach you about life. While I know this is not the case for all, I’m speaking more in a general sense.

The funny part about being a kid is nothing feels simple or easy. You learn to walk, when it’s ok to say no, how to interact with other humans. It all feels very complex and as time goes on and you grow in years everything feels so big and dramatic. Every decision seems like it will forever be the most important one.

We think when I get older, it’ll be easier, I’ll know what to do, I’ll understand my purpose.

But the truth is life only gets more complicated with each passing year. Decisions now impact more than just your life. That sense of purpose gets lost in career path or job you thought was right for you. Only now even if you wanted to do something else, it’s not easy. Because for one thing all your experience is in this one path, so not only do you not have the basic qualifications for something else but you also are considered over qualified in other ways. Then there’s the money, you’ve created a life and lifestyle based on this income so starting at the bottom isn’t possible.

For me, I was in a hurry to grow up because I never fit in as a kid, my bright red hair and buck teeth made me a target for bullies, and even the teachers found ways to make me feel like an outsider.

In elementary school all I wanted was to get to middle school hoping I’d disappear into a sea of kids after coming from a class of 16.

Im middle school all I wanted was to get to high school hoping I’d finally stop being bullied, thinking I’d suddenly be one of pretty girls.

In high school all I wanted was to be seen as more than the coach’s daughter. I wanted to get to college to have “the best time of my life.”

The problem with going to college when you come from a very low income household is whatever time you should be spending at parties and doing stupid things you’ll tell stories about forever… we’ll the problem is you end up working two jobs to support yourself. So between work, class and studying you have no life.

For me with all I went through I waited almost 30 years to feel pretty. Between bullies and toxic relationships I don’t always see what others see when I look in the mirror.

By 30 I also thought I’d know my purpose I’d be building a family. All the years I spent wanting the next part of life… I spent thinking I’d be ok once I got married and became a mom.

Well I got married and then I got divorced. The only child in my life was a blip in my belly that ran away as quick as it arrived.

Now at nearly 40, I know the career path I chose made sense at one time, that I’m pretty good at my job even on days when I feel like I’m not.

But none of that matters in the grand scheme of things when you think about what the real purpose of life is. .. to create more life. So for me, in that regard I can’t help but feel as if my life has no true purpose.

I have spent so many years trying to move to the next thing, the next goal… thinking it would all make sense someday. That life would be simpler as an adult.

It’s pretty sad when you only really appreciate the simplicity of childhood once you are too old to enjoy it.