Letter to my X

It wasn’t just one word that hurt me; it’s been the series of words that’s been building up to this moment. You are incapable of loving yourself, so I was a fool to actually think you loved me. I’m done taking the blame, I’m done taking on the shame, I’m over speaking your name and I’m finished with loving a lame. I’m not even sad, because this shit happened way too many times for me to even care. I never had a thought in my mind that this would last forever because nothing does. I was hoping it wouldn’t end like this, but it did. Now I feel liberated, angry, and pissed. I’m not hurt because I got to experience love in its purest form. I saw the best in you, but you never saw it in yourself. Since you never saw it in yourself, you never saw it in me. It’s sad to say that I had to leave, but maybe this was for the both of us.

I know after this fight you’ll try to come back, but this is my last straw. I’m not setting myself up to get hurt by you again. You’re incapable of taking accountability and I’m done pushing you to see your wrongs. I am not your mother nor am I your father. Learn how to parent yourself, learn how to show up for yourself, learn how to love yourself. I can’t do it for you anymore; I won’t do it for you anymore. I’m risking my own happiness for your temporary pleasure. Everything I’ve said has always been true; I can’t say the same for you. The fact that you kept calling me evil told me everything I needed to know about you. The first time I let it slide, but I told you I didn’t like it. The second time I was quiet because I made an excuse for you. The third time pissed me off because now I’m seeing a pattern. Your words are unkind, some of your habits lead me to feeling pain, and your aura is uncomfortable to be in. I’m tired of feeling discomfort just so you can feel comfortable.

Things weren’t all bad; we had fun… Or at least I tried to make the insults a joke. I tried to create a space of peace and love. But you’d just set that space on fire with your pessimism. I’d lay in the flames as if I were in a sauna, I’d let you burn me and I’d tell myself it was good for my skin. That’s not on you though. I should’ve walked away the first time you broke my heart. I should’ve left you behind when you told me you were no good for me. I wanted to save you from a cliff you lead yourself on. I wanted to rescue you from the voices that live inside your head. I wanted to slay your demons for you, but that’s no longer my responsibility. It’s never been my responsibility; I notice that women, including me, take on other peoples problems as our own. I guess that’s the nurturer in us, I guess that’s the caretaker in us. But is it ever appreciated? No, so I’m done being that type of woman. The next time you see me you’ll have to call me selfish. The next time you see me you’ll have to call me self-centered. The next time you see me you definitely won’t like me. It’s time I set up a new wall, it’s time I rebuild my boundaries, it’s time I focus on myself and my own dreams of what I want my life to be.