Letter of gratitude

My dear and wonderful dad

I wish I’d had the chance to tell you everything I’m about to tell you, face to face. But then again…maybe in life, we always end up taking for granted the time we have left at our disposal. We tend to think there’s always going to be more of it and so these sorts of things are left for the next day…and then the next… and so on and so forth. It’s also possible I didn’t tell you these things face to face because in doing so, we would’ve had to admit that we were running out of time. And if we had ever done that…well…we would’ve come undone and you and I both know that to be true.

But let’s assume for one small moment that this conversation might have happened in real life. And let’s assume that perhaps this conversation might have happened over your favourite ritual: the morning coffee. The unmissable. Unparalleled habit. The bringer of much joy and cause of gentle banter. I picture us sitting down at your usual cafe, at your designated table, surrounded by all your fellow men, friends and acquaintances trying to catch a glimpse of our sacred conversation. I would’ve probably started off by saying…”Hey dad, can I tell you something?” And you would’ve probably prickled your ears in that cheeky way of yours and say “What? Tell me!” So here it is: I think ours has been the connection of a lifetime. No other bond could ever come close to what was gifted to us by God, the Universe, whoever and whatever we decide to call it. You have been infinitely more than just a father figure, a family connection, my next of kin. You’ve been my ultimate soulmate, the unrivalled love of my life, best pal and confidant and having to now figure out a way to live without you, is the toughest, most brutal thing I’ve ever had to do.

Thank you for being the best person to ever walk into my life and shaping it the way you did. Everything I am today has all been possible because of you. I know it every single day when I get overwhelmed by endless waves of love and gratitude. You came into my life when I was only five years old. Going from mom’s special friend to “dad” in a blink of an eye, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like we had always been a family. From the very first moment that we met, something lit up inside of both of us, the obvious activation of our attachment spanning a few lifetimes, I am sure. I mean, how else can you explain what happened?

Thank you for sharing all your wisdom about life, work and relationships with me. Those big ol’ chats we used to have, they lit me up in such a way I can’t even begin to do them justice by trying to explain. Your guidance, your support, the quiet strength that seemed to anchor you. The best man to ever walk this earth.

Thank you for being the best teacher. The best example of honesty, kindness and resilience. Watching you tackle that wretched cancer from day one has been the single most transforming experience of my life. So much grace, so much style. How did you even do it?

Thank you for all the laughter. For your wicked sense of humour that brightened even the darkest days. The inside jokes, the silly memories that made us both crack up. It’s all so precious to me now and just about the only thing that keeps me going.

Thank you for loving me the way you did and showing me what unconditional love really means. With all that kindness and serenity dripping from every fibre of your being. Your deep devotion for my care and wellbeing was something out of this world, going so far beyond the limits of a standard parent /offspring relationship. Watching your face light up at the mere sight of me was something truly special, something that every daughter should be able to experience.

I’m just so sorry we didn’t get more time. And I wish I had the chance to tell you all of this in person. And hug you one more time. Because there’s simply no one like you here.

Thank you dad. For absolutely everything. I love you more than I ever did, now and forever and I know you'll always be with me, guiding me, reminding me to be my best self, just as you were not that long ago.

With all my heart,

Oana