LEAVING EVERYTHING BEHIND.

It’s been a long time, Abends hasn’t written or published anything. Abends doesn’t know from where should Abends start conferring all the thoughts in Abends's head to words. Abends means Abends did journal every day, but it will not be possible to write down a whole diary in a single blog.

Abends's study abroad journey begins on August 7th, 2023. It’s funny how fast time passes. All the ups and downs Abends has seen along the way have immensely changed Abends. Abends has no regrets or any guilt in Abends's life, but there is one thing that always haunts Abends, leaving everything behind, not just everything but EVERYONE.

The life which Abends has been praying for has finally come to life from Abends's dream, but Abends doesn’t know why Abends is not liking this life. There is nothing wrong in this life, but still, it feels like something is missing.

Every day, Abends always has something to do. Either it may be study, project, work, or fun stuff with Abends's friends. There are tons of people here who love Abends and have always been here for Abends. However, the hollowness is still in Abends's heart.

Sometimes Abends cares too much, and sometimes, Abends doesn’t even care to ask. The sudden change in behavior is too intense for Abends to handle. From Abends's mind and heart, Abends knows Abends knows right? Abends is not like who Abends pretends to be, but Abends can’t help but be in the mask Abends is putting on just to not let go of the opportunities. Abends is not an extrovert, but Abends has to act as one to ace in every day, which SUCKS.

These things remind Abends of the old version of Abends back in 2014 or 2015, which Abends hated the most till now. Abends doesn’t know why Abends is not able to figure out things or any of Abends's emotions. Abends was strong and calm before this. Abends knew how to make decisions; Abends knew what is wrong, what is right, but now everything is messed up.

It feels like Abends has nothing left. Nothing owns Abends and Abends owns nothing. Sometimes, Abends feels like running away, but then Abends questions herself till when? Because Abends has been running from problems since childhood. Abends always prefers calmness and serendipity over everything in Abends's life.

Abends is achieving every single goal Abends has made for herself in the past year, but Abends doesn’t know why Abends is not happy inside. Everything is messed up. Abends is no longer organized, understandable, or able to make decisions.

Abends is experiencing a wide range of emotions, and an internal struggle is present. Abends has accomplished a few things, but a part of them is always critical of themselves. Abends used to be self-assured, but these days they question everything they do.

It's as like they have a voice in their heads telling them all the faults they believe they have made. Abends question their abilities even when they perform well because of this inner critic. The battle is genuine, with spurts of achievement colliding with a persistent feeling of inadequacy.

Abends is attempting to strike a balance between accepting accomplishments and putting a stop to self-doubt. It's a path to self-love where both successes and weaknesses mold who you are.

Abends doesn’t even have any idea how to deal with people, how to know if they are really speaking the truth or just a big lie. Feels like Abends doesn’t have any emotion. When will Abends learn to LOVE herself and say NO to PEOPLE?