Just a tiny little snowflake

#mentalhealth #wintermonths #loss #grief #winterblues

Have you ever seen a little snowflake up close? If you did, you would be blown away at such incredible detail for such a tiny little piece of ice. It nearly defies logic, seeing all these tiny little snowflakes with such beautiful and unique patterns. How on earth do these things fall out of the sky so perfectly and delicately?

I have learned that every single snowflake contains up to 200 crystals and can end up as one of 35 different possible designs. The smallest a snowflake can be is 0.02 inch to 0.2 inch diameter range, though it is still just as beautifully crafted in its' own way.

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I am staring straight ahead at the wall, zoned out after hearing what the doctor said. I've retreated into my mind to grieve because I know that no one else here will understand.

I just received what was supposed to be relieving news. The scans all came back normal. No cancer. No cysts. Even though I had such bad pain and felt so weak. The weird bubbly feeling and cramps, fever, and dizziness had made me decide it was time for the E.R. I had been late for over a week and then had a very abnormal menstruation. I was always on schedule with no issues unless I was pregnant. This time was just different and I knew it.

I blamed my anxiety for the 8 tests, spread out over a week. I saw something faint. But then nothing at all. I just kept testing and shaking it as if it was a magic 8 ball. This wasn't planned. I wasn't looking for a plus for any particular reason. It just felt like I sensed something different with my body.

I kept the pictures of the negatives to track daily what I thought was a serious health problem. I told the E.R. dr. what I feared. What I thought was a rupture or signs of PCOS. I was terrified as I sat on the hospital bed in a paper gown, waiting for answers.

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Did you know that the tiniest snowflakes are called "diamond dust"

The smallest snow crystals are no larger in size than the diameter of a human hair. Because they're so small and lightweight, they remain suspended in the air and appear like sparkling dust in the sunlight, which is where they get their name. Diamond dust is most often seen in bitterly cold weather when air temperatures dip below 0 degrees F. ( thoughtco.com/science-of-snowflakes-3444191))

Snowflakes are also clear, not white. But as a blanket of snow covers the ground and trees - our eyes process the white light reflecting off the snow as white even though it is the presence of all the colors on the spectrum. Wow.

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"Everything came back normal. Your scans show normal menstruation occurring and all your labs are clear. It was probably just an early miscarriage, but you're fine now."

...Just?...Only?...Normal?

Cool. Cool.

In those moments, I felt so so small. And I realized how many women must go through this and also feel so alone. So cold. So dead inside, even if just for a little while. Until society says, "You're fine. Move on."

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They say that no two snowflakes are ever alike. I learned that the pattern variety has certain perameters, like having 6 sides and being symmetrical. It is one of nature's favorable variations of shapes for how perfectly calculated each snowflake forms. It is highly unlikely that two will be alike because the weather conditions factor into how each and every snowflake forms as it falls from the clouds. One can say that though each experience is slightly different, the outcome is still the same. A perfect little snowflake takes shape.

Though these tiny little crystal bunches from the sky are light and can dissolve in your hands, if they land upon one another they can cover the entire landscape and form solid patches of ice.

Have you ever gone outside during a fresh snowfall and noticed how silent and still the air is? Snowflakes are responsible for this. As they accumulate on the ground, air becomes trapped between the individual snow crystals, which reduces vibration. It is thought that snow cover of less than 1 inch (25 mm) is enough to dampen the acoustics across a landscape. (thoughtco.com/science-of-snowflakes-3444191)

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Grief is funny. It falls all around you and can cover you like a blanket. But others do not see it like you feel it. They do not process what they are looking at, so they think it is simply a bad mood or an off day.

I'm home now and it has been two weeks. Everything in life went back to normal. It is the 76th and my "normal" menstruation has returned. My body has resumed to fine. No more tests. No more worrying. No more googling.

But I am still wrapped in a blanket of grief. Silently crying, but no one can hear it. Women have an amazing ability to connect with their own wombs. We can feel, sense, and know things about our own bodies. I believe personally that we can even connect with our little ones very early on.

With all three of my children, I felt pregnant right away. I just knew. I had positive tests to confirm my suspicions. Even when I had been on birth control. Even when I had been careful. And for the third baby (second with my husband), we planned and I knew right away when it was happening. Maybe not every woman experiences that.

Maybe some will think it is paranoia... like that "am I late?" paranoia. But this is different. This is a feeling of holding your lower belly in the shower and crying with a smile on your face. Because you are saying hello for the first time to a tiny, perfect little snowflake.

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I have a love and appreciation for the snow that is so profound it feels religious. I am not religious in way of being tied to an organized faith. But I feel a connection to the universe, to the beauty of life and all of the wonderous creations around us.

I believe it is important to take this one life we have and make something meaningful of it. I believe we should really LOVE the people we choose to love. And I believe we should also make decisions for ourselves that allow us to live our best lives.

I have made really hard decisions in my lifetime of 31 years. I feel like I have lived four lifetimes because I have moved out of different life situations that were no good for me to get to where I am now. I am about to move through a big life change again and shift my timeline as I move with my family to a new state to live.

It is a huge move, happening in less than 30 days from now. We will drive across the entire country from one state to another. This chapter of my life, the last 6 years I have experienced in the place I have (mentally and physically) is ending. There is a blanket of grief wrapped around me because I am always told that things happen for a reason to let us move to the next chapter. That there is purpose in loss and meaning in what doors close.

I am doing all the things to move forward. I am packing up my belongings. I am decluttering and donating what I will not bring. I am keeping it all together.

But these words I write. These are for this moment, to preserve a sadness I have that is just... human.

Loss and processing that loss.... are human experiences. Feeling sad I lost an opportunity... feeling sad I lost an experience... feeling sad I lost a person. All the world has moved on. Health-wise, everything is fine.

To be completely honest, I have processed this specific loss 3 times now. But the other two times, I was 16 and 18. Both times were in the winter. Both of those times were due to abuse, fear, and being a teenager with controlling people taking care of me. I did not want to choose early termination. I was forced to. Life went on like normal for everyone else after both of them. Not for me. I went on to raise three kids with a great partner. Now he and I have had this fast, "early" loss and there are still crickets. No one talks about this grief. No one hears me out here in the snow. I still cry for the snowflakes that fell over 14 years ago.

I might have a child again within this next decade. Who knows.

I might tell everyone I am a mother of 3. Because I am. I have 3 healthy, beautiful, kind children. But my body created 6 total now. And that means something to me. My hands have cupped my belly six times and each time I have felt an intense love for that little snowflake.

That means something. Or else what is the point of being human at all?