The 5 words I use to enforce my own boundaries.

How changing my inner voice vocabulary has changed my reactions to real-life situations.

I do this thing now that helps me out tremendously when I am caught in a moment of possibly crossing my own boundaries to please someone else or walk right into a triggered situation.

I pause for a moment when I feel triggered and exclaim, "NO... I'M NOT DOING THIS!"

Sometimes it is a whisper.

Sometimes, it is a literal SHOUT.

Shaking my head and shaking out the feelings from my body, I proceed to remind myself that I can choose to opt out of anything I do not want to participate in any longer.

I remind myself that I have a choice in how my life goes, how my interactions go, and how I participate in relationships. These five words catch me from stepping over the line. My own line that I have had trouble reinforcing out of fear, anxiety, and the notion that I am a slave to others desires of me.

It is not a permanent fix, but I have developed this habit as a way to proactively stop myself from walking into traps that in my past led to more pain.

Say someone from my past tries to contact me with an attempt to rehash the past... Before replying, I give myself a quick "NO. I'M NOT DOING THIS."

These words quickly empower me to X out of the message, delete, or block someone if I need to. Because I do not owe anyone the time, energy, or space to interact with me if I feel it will be more of a danger than a repair.

As someone who frequently uses Facebook and other social media apps to connect with people, read, and write - I get met with scenarios that I get to CHOOSE to participate in or walk away from. Like if someone writes something really negative or mean on a post or share of mine -- I give myself a quick "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS" and either delete their comment or opt out of the conversation because I do not wish to humor or engage in that kind of interaction.

It has become that simple for me to disengage and I love it.

There are days I get really frustrated while working on a project and start to spiral in my mind about what I am missing or not doing enough of. "NO. I'M NOT DOING THIS." I get up from the computer to walk away for some air and a fresh perspective.

I remind myself that I am not in the business of beating myself down, but of uplifting others. How can I empower people to feel and heal if I am not sipping the same tea? I am able to empower others BECAUSE I continuously empower myself.

It works within my own family interactions too. Like when I am talking with my husband and heading into a clear disagreement. It can be hard for me when I am not feeling seen or heard to control myself from interrupting or getting aggressive in my tone. I remind myself in these moments to reconsider my reactions. I now listen to my own gentle warning and cool down my own triggered body + voice. "No. I'm not doing this" I remind myself over and over. I am not going to lose my temper at someone else just because I feel the urge to.

Having complex PTSD and ADHD, my symptoms make my closest relationships often feel overwhelming to manage. My kids and husband are busy doing regular activities and tasks, when I get triggered by loud noises or big messes. I remind myself again gently that I have a choice whether to be in the room or not. I have a choice to take myself out of the equation to go find somewhere more peaceful and calm. I do not have to make this a complaint, I do not have to snap, I do not have to yell. "No. I'm not doing this." As I get up and go into a different room to continue my own tasks, work, or just the act of existing in a quiet area.

I now know that I have options in how I participate but also in how I react towards others. For so long it was common for me to:

☆ lose my sh*t

☆ get pains in my chest

☆ hysterically cry

☆ yell at others

☆ fall instantly into a low mood

☆ get panic attacks

☆ saying things I will regret

I feel bad that I have had toxic ways of reacting towards others. I was raised by emotionally abusive and manipulative parents. I went on to date several abusive partners who made me feel like I was always walking on eggshells.

I have worked on myself for several years now to understand my mental health, the trauma I went through, and how it has played a role in my life choices.

I understand now that the inner monologue I had for so long was encouraging toxic loops in relationships and situations because I just did not know better. I did not understand or know how to set boundaries, speak up for myself, or demand my expectations to be met.

When it came to fights, pointless arguments, and uncomfortable situations I believed I had to experience it because that was part of life. The life I was dealt.

I now refuse to participate in anything that does not align with who I want to be or complement the kind of lifestyle I want to live.

So whenever the drama comes along or the triggers occur, I choose not to sign up for the chaos. No thanks. Pass.

I empower myself with this phrase to remind myself that the world will not crumble if I take space to think before I act.

I get to not take part in a fight or triggering event that would normally break me. Instead, I can go take space to calm down and explore my emotions to find out why I feel the way that I do at the moment.

This process aids in regulating my emotions. It is also a way I get to reparent myself and introduce new skills for handling scenarios with others. As a kid and growing up, no one taught me how to resolve conflicts effectively or express what I was feeling. No one showed me that it was safe to share what I wanted or needed.

In just 5 words I get to excuse myself and then really go consider what I want my next few moments, hours, days etc. to look like. What a powerful thought that I can just pause and redirect my entire day or mood.

I can consider my own feelings, pull them apart, analyze them, and come to an understanding of what I really need in the moment. I have one life to live and I choose to work on myself so I can achieve a healthy lifestyle, one boundary supported at a time.