JOURNAL: L I F E

Did you grow up like me? Or did you grow up like them?

My entire life, with no recollection of actually thinking or putting myself in that situation of being lied to. Made to believe everything I was told with no question.

Father daughter dances. Never went. Why you ask? Oh probably because my father was my grandpa and I was always asked why my dad was so much older then their parents. Hospitals were a very familiar and common ground I knew very well. Seemed as if I lived there. My grandma was a breast cancer survivor, 4 times. My grandpa was a heart attack survivor and a diabetic. So you can understand without me having to explain myself. (It does get quite exhausting and irritating having to repeat myself)

So after my grandma died unexpectedly from a developed brain tumor and my grandpa lost custody of me and I officially because property to the state of California, that’s when I got knocked down with the real force and truth of life.

I’ve been abandoned. By my family. The ones I trusted and loved. Tossed me like a piece of paper they couldn’t fix on that page because i couldn’t be undone, only because I was a pen mark. I don’t know how to accept love let alone even give it to anyone, not even myself. I get oh so severe anxiety. If I get comfortable with someone and that person becomes my person and I’m no longer with them I cry and don’t know what else to do except feel sorry for myself. When I get angry, I hurt myself. That’s only the self control so I don’t hurt anyone else. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I can’t talk to anyone about my life. In the end, if I trust them enough to actually let them in a little bit, something always happens. My biggest fears gets used as a joke and just something to make me feel hurt. I’ve been around enough people to know that no matter what you have in common with that someone, no matter how much you trust that someone with your secrets, no matter what you do with that someone, that someone ends up leaving.

Everyone leaves in the end. Nobody actually cares enough about you to actually stay. That’s a life lesson I know all to well. And instead of over time develop tough skin, it’s only made me more sensitive. I get my feelings hurt from everything. I sense vibes through text. If I feel like something’s up, even though I could be over thinking and creating senecios in my head, I distance myself and not reply or socialize. I’m always feeling sorry for myself and who even knows why I am? Because that’s the last thing I should be doing. I’m a damn good person. I’m a great friend. I’m a 100% ride or die. I put everyone above myself and make sure that they’re doing okay and have what they need before I even think about myself.

I can’t talk about my childhood, only because it’s a memory I blinded myself from. I’m a solid cinderblocked wall.

Trust issues. What is trust and what does it even feel like?

Happiness and positivity. I wish I was strong enough to admit I always look for what can go wrong or will go wrong before looking at the positivity.

I’m messed up, and I’m now realizing that who I am as a person isn’t my fault. It’s the ones who “cared and loved” me but with no fault on them thinking there actions will severely ruin me as everything.