Imaging my Life in 60 Years

Recently, I’ve been thinking about death. More specifically, my death. What would that look like? Will I be killed in a car accident in 5 years? Will I develop cancer with no chance of survival? There are so many what ifs of how we will die, I like to sit back and think about my ideal death.

Morbid, I know. But, sometimes while on a mundane morning drive, I envision my life at the end. I cannot imagine my life without my current partner. I know we have only been together a few years, but every time I look to the future, he’s there next to me no matter what I do.

This happened to me a few days ago, on one of my many hour long drives up to my new job. Half zoning out, I began to think about this moment again. What it would be like, what it would feel like. There is something so interesting about the feeling of knowing today is your last day. As you get into old age, I believe you can begin to pinpoint the exact day you will go to bed for the last time.

My boyfriend has a lot of health problems. This has been known since we first got together. The likelihood of me dying before him is highly unlikely, but this is my perfect scenario so we’ll roll with it. This particular day, I imagined us laying down to go to bed one day when we are old and gray. For some reason, I just had this feeling that my time on Earth was going to run out. I wrote a note, to my children, telling them I love them and that everything is taken care of. All handwritten, just in case they want to get a tattoo of my words, something I would be okay with.

I then look to Michael. A man who has been with me for, at this imaginary point, at least 50 years. This man, who has loved me through the good and bad. This man, who has done so much for me and our children. Even though this hasn’t happened yet, I know this is the kind of man he will become and that our life together will be so full of love, happiness, and laughter.

I look at him, his face wrinkled and worn, and begin to tear up as I hold his face in my hands. I debate on telling him that I feel this is my last day, as the weight of this information could make or break him. I continue to look at him, remembering all of the memories we have made within our life together. I turn to him, and tell him that I love him for the last time. I made sure to cuddle, because I wanted to be wrapped in his arms one last time as I drift into forever. Even as I write this, I tear up thinking about the day we will leave each other.

From the day we met, we have been inseparable, spending every single day together, even just for a little while. My family doesn’t understand it, and I don’t know how to explain it to them. How do I explain this unexplainable love and bond we had with each other since our first meeting? It is something that still blows my mind to think about, since it is something that I myself cannot imagine is happening to me. Yet, here I am, three years later, enjoying my days with him more and more. He moved in with me a few months after we got together. Again, so soon, I know. But we both wanted to have someone by our side, and we loved having our own space to be ourselves and be free in our relationship.

I can’t wait to have this life with Michael. I know my imagination can’t always be the truth, but I believe that this is how it will go. I know, it is naïve of me to think that something like this would happen. I mean, this kind of love only happens in fairytales, right? If that is the case, then I must be living the dream, because this is how our life will go. I want our kids to look at us and see that we are so totally in love. I want us to be an example of what their relationships can be like, because this life is more attainable than people think.