if the walls could talk

If walls could talk, they would be crying, they would be bleeding from watching your abuse over the years. The walls would ask me “Why do you stay?” Are you a coward, is it the trauma bond, do you need to go “no contact?” If walls could talk they would be saying how confused they are about my behavior, “Why do you stay with an abuser, do you not have enough money to leave, do you not have a plane ticket out of here?” If walls could talk, they would breathe a sigh of relief when you go to work, they would say “Thank God, that man is gone, and you know he is nice to everyone else but you, it is the charisma of a narcissist.” If walls could talk, they would be so confused, asking me questions like, “Why are you so kind, why are you so confused about your situation, is the trauma bond really so addicting, is the intermittent reinforcement of abuse really so tough to break?” If walls could talk, they would tell me about courage, they would breathe deeply and tell me they are on my side, they see me, they see everything. The walls see everything that is hidden from the outside world. The walls say, “I see what is happening, I see the real man that is so scared of abandonment, that he needs to isolate you. I see the man that was so hurt in his childhood, he is now hurting others. I see the man that says he loves you, but everything needs to be his way. I see the man that is so controlling that it is like an obsession to be in control. I see the man that uses coercive control to manipulate your words and actions!” I see the man that threatens to commit suicide every time you threaten to leave, and still you stay. Am I like the ladies in the widow fantasy where most women want to leave, they just stay because it is easier, they have more money and sometimes they can relax when they are by themselves. Am I like the women that act like they have it together when actually they are hiding what their life is really like. They are hiding the emotional abuse that is rained on them so often, they almost do not notice it, it is ignored and tolerated, but why we ask ourselves? Is it the culture of women to be abused and raped and used, why is this, is testosterone that strong, can’t we fight and win this battle of the sexes, can’t we start destroying them the way they are attempting to destroy us? I feel stronger now just knowing that revenge is a sweet thing. When your health suffers, I smile to myself, and say Karma is a bitch isn’t it. The universe is finally rewarding you for all the pain you have caused me. The divine universe is on my side, and now you are a weak thing that will easily be destroyed. I feel so angry, it is so cathartic putting my pain on paper, I am releasing all of my pent up rage that is slowly destroying me and still I stay and I do not know why I stay. I don’t feel love, I feel a sense of safety sometimes, and sometimes I feel so abandoned, lonely and isolated. I am always looking for something, some way to escape. I am like the bird that is afraid to leave her cage, and what a beautiful cage it is, everything in its place. Married to someone with OCD is unbelievable and I always have to put things away, which is not my nature. If I was by myself, the walls whisper, you could have a bunch of cats sitting in your lap purring, you could let your house get messy and not worry about anyone. You could have your plants everywhere, comforting you with their greeness. If you were by yourself, you could breathe better, there would be no fear of doing something wrong, saying something wrong. I remember, I left a man once and he said, “Why are you leaving, I am happy.” That still makes me smile, it explains a lot.

The walls are whispering, "trauma, trauma; you are in such trauma, can you even feel the trauma, it is swirling around you like a black cloud of grief, why, why, why. I reply, yes, I know I have been traumatized all my life, depressed all my life, so many triggers to deal with, so much regret, and later, it seems to be too late now. It seems to be a life of roller coasters where the laughter has just turned into screams, up and down, now I am at the top and looking at my last circus and thinking, where did the time go, all of a sudden it seems I woke up and now where did my life go. Why did I endure and choose so much abuse. Why did I feel so attracted to what I thought was love but in reality, it was a sick love, not a healthy love. I ask myself why, why, why.

If walls could talk, they would be whispering in soft whispers, “I believe in you, you are courageous, you are in a situation that is sad, but that you can escape from. I know you are strong enough, do not let his control and manipulations take your life away from you. Live your life, live your dreams. Keep everything a secret, plan and escape. You can do it.” If walls could talk, they would be screaming to please stop the screaming, “We are so tired of the constant screaming, rage, anger and control. We need some peace, we need some silence, we need to feel safe and we cannot feel safe in this house full of tension and grief.” If walls could talk, they would say, “I can’t take anymore of this, it is too hard. Why don’t you leave, don’t you understand the cycle of abuse, round and round it goes! When the stress builds, the man lets loose on you, can’t you see that you are a human punching bag. Can’t you see that it is as easy as walking out the door, becoming independent, hide, be safe, get away. Can’t you see that this is a slow death, I do not understand you, I do not understand your complacency, is it because you are too depressed to leave, are you too depressed to take any action? Are you going to have another panic attack, are you scared of his rages, locking yourself in the bathroom again? Are you scared of cooking his dinner because it might not be right again? Do you want to live in peace and tranquility, don’t you want to be happy, don’t you want to feel courageous? Are you afraid to leave your doggie, do you want to take her with you when you go? Are you afraid of all the bad bosses in your future, are you afraid of failure, are you afraid of success. Are you having such anxiety when you think about leaving that you just can’t seem to create a plan. Do you understand that you are slowly dying?

If walls could talk, they would ask me, “Why do you always agree even when you don’t agree, why do you always let him have his way, why do you always walk on eggshells and be a grey rock. I reply, because it is easier to keep him calm, the slightest argument or perceived criticism will set him off. I don’t mind really, I am so apathetic now, it seems the easiest way. I feel that I have given up and then sometimes, I feel my strength surging up like a volcano and then I set boundaries. I cancel his toxic energy and surround myself with a bubble of protection. I ground myself to breathe, deeply, one to ten, deep breaths. I practice the Emotional Freedom Technique, tapping tapping my stress away. "Do you want to keep your money, I say calmly, do you want to keep your sanity, I tell him, do you want to live in poverty again, I can make that happen for you; I can rock the boat now, I can rebel, I can revolt. I am the intelligent one, you not so much. Your abilities revolve around manipulation and coercive control, they are just the abilities of a bully. I am a highly sensitive empath and you chose me because you knew you could bully me for a lifetime, I am too forgiving, too kind, but now, I am not anymore, I am tired and I am exhausted and will not tolerate abuse anymore. You had better watch your behavior because I am at the end of my rope. I keep saying this is the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I keep giving you more straws all the time and the camel was broken long ago. I do not even understand my own behavior anymore, I do not understand why I have spent my life in this situation. The therapist say it was my mother, I am attracted to narcissists that I want to help. I am so susceptible to the lovebombing, but that is really the only part I liked. It is better now since you stopped drinking and I stopped drinking, it is calmer, but now I am sick from a chronic lifetime of abuse, and it was not just you, it was many good looking handsome predators that tried to destroy me, tried to destroy who I am. I am so proud to say, I am extremely resilient, but at times, I doubted I could go on. I will take this day by day, get stronger. I feel so stupid sometimes but I know my strength is building, slowly, too slowly but surely. As I spill my pain out into the world, it will help someone to understand the complacency, not applaud it by no means, but maybe just understand something that I still really don't understand myself. I do not think I am a coward, but it seems sometimes, I feel like a coward. Maybe the Phoenix bird was a coward before it came to life again and rose from the ashes.

I love the idea of the Amazon tribe full of women, extreme power, extreme health and vitality, would we turn into bullies, would we turn into predators? Would the power go to our heads, is this abuse for millenia a cultural phenomena or do we just need to rise up and fight like the warriors we are. Do we need to stop being so sweet, kind and nurturing and not get mean, but at least set some boundaries and understand that one chance is enough for someone to show their stripes. One chance is enough, why do we give toxic people more chances? Why do we hope for change? It could be a long waiting game and what will happen to you when you are waiting for him to change. What will happen to your health, to your wealth, to your emotional, physical self. Little girls are taught to be something that is not helping us, we need to toughen them up a bit, warn them of everything, take care of our own. Not be like me, the proverbial lamb sent to the slaughter blindfolded and so naive with no clue as to the psychpathology and the wolves that are prowling, searching for their next victim that makes them feel powerful and in control. The predator/victim scenario where they could smell me, the predators sniffed the wind, and saw me across the room, so beautiful, naïve and mostly drunk laughing at someone’s joke and smiling with the excitement of being admired by you.

Is this life preparing me for my next life, am I getting stronger so my next life, I can look at people like you and say no thanks, been there, done that. This new life is for me, just me, and then I feel sad that I have to embrace reincarnation to get that second chance I should have taken long ago. I have the courage now to be my best self, not a puppet to some predatory narcissist, sociopath or psychopath. I want to feel the wind and rise like a bird with wings that are strong and find my own freedom, find my own path.

Can I become stronger, can I lead others in my situation out, can I speak my truth and maybe suffer the consequences. Silence is really the enemy, isn't it. With silence, everything is normal, everything is okay. Let us share our experiences, who knows, maybe someone will read what I wrote and feel that small glimmer of courage, shining like a light from their heart, from their soul. They will feel that small glimmer of courage and say, enough. Enough, no more, I am not your puppet, I am free to be myself.