If Only

Dear mom,

Here I write to you a confession of the things I wish I had the courage to say before it was too late to change my ways and go down the path you wished I had went down. If only I sat down and listened to your words of wisdom instead of walking away from something that could have changed my life. If only I would have told you I was interested in the same sex earlier maybe you would have accepted my partner. I could day dream about all the what ifs but it would not change the fact that I stand here today on the other side of the country thousands of miles away. The only thing I have now are these words that will not ever reach you because maybe deep down inside I do not want them to reach you.

To be completely honest now I write down these confessions and I hang my head down in shame at the fear you will judge me even though you do not know these confessions exist. I did not decide to join the ranks to fight for the freedom of my country because I wanted to but because I knew there was no other way I could pay for the knowledge I seek. There was no other way to be able to get where I want to be without putting you out of the money you do not have. If only I could have made you proud in any aspect maybe I’d be able to face you with these words. With my head hung in Shane I know your’s has done the same. Every time you need money just to survive you cry as you text me those words. I want you to know that you should not be ashamed to have the courage to ask a simple question just to survive. I want you to know I love you and the support you show me as I risk my life for you and everyone that lives in this country because of the “brave” men and women who fight for your rights. A confession that I would have never imagined I would have the courage to share but you of all people have the right to know. We are not brave but rather scared of the situation of our reality.

I’m sorry that the little baby who was born two months too early became an adult that you are ashamed of but proud of at the same time. Your dreams of what you thought I would have become are far too gone now and sometimes I wish I listened to those dreams and followed your path. At the same time I’m glad I found my own way in life. If these confessions ever find you I would like to say that I am my own person and you have to let me be the person that I was molded to be. Let these words give you comfort in knowing that you did not fail at being a mother I just found a different way at life. I become something I never imagined I would have the courage to be but because of all the things you have said to me I found the courage to be who I wanted to be and to confess to you that I am not the person you thought of me to be. I am my own person and I did not let you decide my ways.

To the person who reads this, I hope you find the courage to confess the things you have suppressed because one day it will be too late and you will regret not having the chance to say what you needed to say. I hope you find the courage to be you despite what others think. To stop thinking about the if onlys and change the tomorrows.

Signed, Your Daughter