I Was a Bully in High School, and I’m Still Apologizing for It

The Shame I Carry

There’s a story I’ve never really told. I was a bully in high school. It feels strange to admit that now, as an adult who prides herself on kindness and understanding. But the truth is, the shame of who I was back then still lingers. Even as I’ve worked hard to become a better person, I know that the damage I caused to others in my youth is something I’ll never fully undo.

For a long time, I justified my behavior. I told myself I was just being a "typical teenager," that everyone went through phases like this. But the truth is far darker. I bullied people because it made me feel powerful. I picked on others to fit in, to laugh at someone else’s expense, to hide my insecurities. Looking back, I can see how wrong that was. But back then, I couldn't.

The Heart of My Bullying: Insecurity and Fear

Like many bullies, my behavior was rooted in fear. I feared not being good enough, feared not being accepted, feared being judged. I lashed out to protect myself, though ironically, I was only hurting others in the process. I targeted classmates who were different, who didn’t fit the mold, because their differences made me feel smaller.

I want to be clear: bullying wasn’t something I just "grew out of" without consequences. It left scars on my peers and me.

I thought I was just protecting myself. Instead, I was running from my feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, and loneliness. But in hurting others, I created a chain reaction of pain I could never fully repair.

The Wake-Up Call: Realizing the Damage

There came a point when I began to notice something strange. The people I had bullied didn’t just move on. They didn’t just "get over it." Some of them carried those wounds with them, just as I carried my wounds of self-loathing.

What was worse was when I realized that the bullying didn’t end when high school did. Some of the people I had hurt were still struggling with the impact of those years. I had never truly understood that my actions were more than just moments of meanness; they were emotional injuries that people carried long after the words were said, long after I thought I was done.

The Long Road to Empathy: Understanding the Pain I Caused

It wasn’t until years later that I truly began to understand what my actions had done. Through therapy, self-reflection, and the pain of realizing the damage I had caused, I started to redefine what it means to be kind.

I can’t take back the things I said or did. But I’ve tried to make amends in every way I can. I reached out to people I had hurt; some responded, some didn’t. But just offering my sincere apology, without expecting forgiveness, taught me an important lesson:

True growth doesn’t come from being forgiven, it comes from learning to forgive yourself and making peace with your past.

The Power of Apology: Humility and Healing

I’ve learned that a real apology is not about seeking absolution. It’s about acknowledging the pain you caused and taking responsibility for it. For the first time in my life, I realized that apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.

While I can never completely undo the hurt I caused, offering a sincere apology to those I wronged was freeing. It helped me heal, too. For years, I had been carrying around guilt, shame, and the belief that I was a bad person. But in facing my past actions and owning them, I was able to let go of some of that burden.

Breaking the Cycle: Teaching Kindness to the Next Generation

As an adult, I’m committed to being different. I am deeply invested in breaking the cycle of bullying, not just through my actions, but through teaching kindness to those around me. If there’s one thing I want to leave behind, it’s a legacy of compassion and understanding.

One way I’ve worked to change is by focusing on how I treat others now. Kindness isn’t just something you do in moments when it’s easy, it’s something you practice every day. From giving compliments to offering emotional support, I make a conscious effort to be the person I wish I had been in high school.

Moving Forward: What I Hope Others Will Learn

If there’s one lesson I hope others can learn from my journey, it’s this: Everyone has their struggles, and we can never truly know what someone else is going through. The person you laugh at or pick on may be carrying something far heavier than you can see.

But more importantly, I’ve learned that we have the power to change. We can choose kindness over cruelty, empathy over judgment. And even if we can’t take back our mistakes, we can choose to be better, starting right now.

Final Thoughts: The Road to Redemption

Reflecting on my high school years, I know that I can never fully erase the damage I caused. But through my actions today, through sincere apologies, and through the lessons I’ve learned about kindness and empathy, I am trying to make amends.

To anyone out there who feels lost in their pain or who struggles with their past actions, know this: there’s always room to grow, and it’s never too late to choose to be kind.