I Should Have Known

Momma, I have something to tell you. It wasn’t until I had children of my own did I have this realization. I resented you for a time. I felt you were never there for me, emotionally, when I needed you. Yes, you supported my triumphs, and academic accolades, but it only ever seemed shallow. An obligation, because you had too as my mother. But emotionally? I always felt alone. I felt I couldn’t come talk to you because you wouldn’t understand. I felt the pressure of being the first child and you were the second child, how would you know? The burden of being a perfect daughter to make you and dad proud. How would you know? You never told me of how you grew up. You hid that from me. With good reason though, how could I have known? You had different challenges to face growing up. Things I couldn’t relate too, so it makes sense. It bothered me then, that you didn’t braid my hair or teach me how to put on makeup or have little fashion shows with me. The small trivial things I thought a mother should do with her daughter. That’s just it though, trivial. We had other experiences together and as I said, I had children of my own and I realized. You were there for me. I was too selfish and bull headed to see it. You gave me the tools for success, you held the door open for me and I slammed it shut. I was the one emotionally neglecting you. You patiently waited for me, subtly guiding me, cheering me on in the background, quietly teaching me the ways of the world. Allowing my independence to thrive. Because as my mother, you knew me and what I needed. I was too independent and needed to be humbled. You still caught me when I fell though, and made me feel safe. How blind I was. An angsty teenager, taking all my emotions and problems out on the one person who loved me most. Which is interesting because we as humans take out our frustrations on the ones we feel most loved by, knowing you’ll never leave or hurt us. But the fact you let me be so independent was not at all neglectful. I’m strong. You made me strong, ready to tackle this crazy life. Taught me to give my kids the love and support they need without overbearing or burdening them. Letting their lights shine, instead of fanning the flame to where it is out of control or letting it burn out, you taught me how to kindle it. Allow them their independence and strengthen it. Fight the demons in the shadows for them, but let them hit speed bumps. Slowly let them fight on their own as they grow. The world will not give them such grace. As mothers, it is our role to prepare our children for the world, it can be a cruel place, but also a wonderful place. Give them the ability to see the good and the bad. I think with everything you’ve taught me, being able to see and appreciate the good without the bad overwhelming me is the best lesson yet. Allowing me to make my own decisions without being so easily influenced by others. So thank you for letting me be me, and the lessons you taught. I should have known and I’m sorry I didn’t see it before, but here you are. You were waiting for me to come to this conclusion on my own. Thank you momma, that was my confession, I love you.