I miss you

not so recently but not so long ago I broke up with my girlfriend. I won’t get to the nitty gritty of why or who’s to blame or all of that stuff (it’s all my fault) but it didn’t end well is all I’ll say. After a problem some 4 months before we broke up we never really worked the same and I think we both knew. It wasn’t that I no longer loved you but the way I loved you changed. It wasn’t the rose tinted love from the start but it wasn’t mature either I don’t think. It was that weird middle ground you find when you first end up with someone in your early 20s and you’re both no longer children but you aren’t exactly adults yet either.

I don’t know what has prompted me to think about all this but here I am, thinking about you. The last time I properly saw you we were in my house in my room and I don’t know why it got to the level it did but we ended up in a big fight. I remember you saying something along the lines of “you can’t just turn your emotions off, you can’t just stop loving someone like that.” And I know that’s where it ended. I literally walked out my own house. I mean what sort of immature, childish, stupid, dumb teen does that. I haven’t been able to look at myself the same since I did that. I turned off. At the surface I said I didn’t care, I didn’t love you anymore I said I’d moved on. But I hadn’t. Yes my love for you wasn’t how it used to be but it was still there.

And this is where I sit now, a year after we ended. I don’t think I love you anymore but I sure as hell don’t feel nothing. I still care just not in the same way. Like I hope you get home safe after you go out and I hope you still collect your jellycats and I hope you do become the profession you told me about because hearing you say that broke my heart when you first said it. But in the best way possible. You literally had me in tears because I’ve never heard a more pure of heart thing. It still chokes me up that it is my fault for that. And that’s what I used to love in you, pure heartedness, true empathy and sympathy and all the right kinds of soft and gentle that only comes round once in never and I threw it away over being young and dumb. All this to say I do still care clearly, I do still think of you in fond memory.

You know when I really sit and think about it I actually do still love you I think. I still go to the botanical gardens where we used to go for dates because we were broke. I still sit on our bench. And now I bring 3 kinder eggs. One for me, one for lentila, and one for you. I sit on that bench and think about the times we shared there like when we bought a cadburys bar and a pack of strawberries on a sunny day and you sat and made chocolate strawberries for an hour and fed them to me like I was a child. Or I think about just holding your hand and walking around the garden. Your soft cool hand in my hard hot hand. In winter our breath fogging up before us. Going to see kitchen cactus with you before I had to go to work. I miss so much about you. I dare not write a list because god knows I could go on for hours and days

Maybe it was fear of losing you that drove me to that final night. Thinking if I pretended not to care then it would come true in my head. I’d be able to will it into existence. Or maybe it was just dumb stupid thoughts thinking I could find better. I never will I think. Whatever it was it was pure stupidity and ironically I’ve had what I was probably due in return. I’ll probably never forgive myself for all the things I did when it would have taken so little to avoid all of everything that happened. I wouldn’t still leave your side of the bed empty, I wouldn’t feel weird cooking because I can’t cook for one, my shower wouldn’t feel so weird, my room would feel so much more full. Pecan will stay safe with me I promise. I still look after him and he still sleeps with me. It feels weird not being able to tell someone everything at any time in the day. It feels bad. It feels like I really did lose something so important.

I think I’ll always love you and I still miss you my pumpkin.