I miss my ex.

I miss my ex. And not in the way of "I still love her" but in the way that I miss my bestest of friends. She introduced me to some of my favorite things, like the song I Love You by Christopher Esclante and the youtube show MyStreet by Aphmau. I still watch and listen to some of the stuff she introduced me to. She made a great friend, and I miss that.

And I'm not sure if I still had all my old friends and if I had bunches of friends like I used to if I would still miss her, but the thing is I DO miss her right now, and I can't do anything about it. Other than message her and hope she messages back. But what if she doesn't? What if this friend I want back so desperately doesn't even care to be friends with me anymore. Or what if shes dating someone and they don't want her being friends with her ex. What then? I just never get to get back one of the bestest friends I've ever had? I just have to move on when I have no friends anymore and when I'm missing her so desperately.

And it's hard to explain to her and anyone else that I don't want her back romantically, though I do miss being in a relationship and miss those times I had with her, I don't actually want to date her anymore. Plus I know I need to work on myself first, become a better person and learn to love myself before I dive head first into another relationship, let alone a long distance one. So even if I DID want her back it wouldn't be a good idea and I acknowledge that. I know it.

I just want my best friend back, the one that'd I'd do anything for and who'd do anything for me. The one I hung out with this summer. The one I used to stay up all night talking to. The one I used to call all the time and laugh my heart out. The one who used to make the best jokes and always know the right thing to say to make me feel better when I was in a tough spot.

Do I miss the nights I stayed up worrying she was gonna take her life? No, not one bit. I wouldn't want that back ever. But I do miss all the good times and all the fun we had. Those nights were some of the worst, especially that one time were I was nearly 100% sure she was already dead and I missed my chance to save her. I called her nearly 50 times hoping and praying somehow she was still alive. But I was convinced it was too late. I was sobbing my eyes out knowing I had lost the best friend I'd ever made. But she was just asleep and she brushed it off like it was nothing the next day. But it wasn't nothing, not to me, that night I still recall and remember it being one of the worst nights of my life.

But still with these bad times, the good outweighs it. The good memories we have are still there and I still love them. I still love her as a friend, and I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to be her friend. She made me happier most of the time and made me have something to look forward to each day, whereeas before I had nothing. She was my lifeline and I miss having her. I just want my best friend back. I'm debating sending this to her so maybe, just maybe she'll want to be freinds again, even after everything.