he will end up in my bed

my bed looks nothing like their bed in this image.

my bed is never made.

if anything I leave it unmade on purpose.

not just as an invitation but as a reminder that there is always something else that I have to do as if I needed another reminder about that.

he's not supposed to be in my bed tonight I don't think but based on everything that I know he will be. based on everything that's ever happened he will be and what will I do when he's there? I guess it depends on if I sleep in clothes or not. I don't really feel like it and I don't really feel like finding out either way but we don't necessarily get to choose what we find out in this life we find out what we find out when we find it out.

I didn't want it to end up this way. I have another idea of how I want to go into how all of this went but mostly I want to talk about how I can only have sex when I drink. or at least only initiate it then. hence why I think he'll end up in my bed and why I think I won't have clothes on I've had a few tonight.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way and I know I'm not the only one who would ever do this but I know what it does is break my own heart. I think I like the feeling of a broken heart more than anything ever healed 'cause it's all I've ever known.

I wonder what it would be like to be with somebody who cared about you enough to deal with your moods and I remember that you remember their feelings and everything that they've touched on you even when you're blacked out even when they made a promise and broke it.

maybe that's just all me though maybe I keep picking up well I do it's not a maybe. what was I talking about?

I don't think anything will ever be OK again in this situation I don't see how it ever could

but I'm stuck here in it

so what's the best way to make the best of it I ask myself every day and then I work a 13 hour shift and exhaust myself and then I work a 10 hour shift the next day and tomorrow it'll be an 8 hour shift.

working to dissociate

Maybe I'm the one that's right and people who say that there are good things about me that deserve to be loved are the ones that are wrong

it's disrespectful to everybody who says they love me but maybe I'm just a disrespectful person. I am a cheater after all.

not that I really consider myself that considering we were broken up in my head at least but I think more people would call me one than not

and Speaking of him he hasn't been around as much and it's probably for the best but he didn't listen to my breakdown last night

I should be thankful but I'm not because there's always more that I want and there's never enough coming

it's not anything material it's all emotional

I think about happy lives I think about people who would take care of you and deal with your bad moods and hold your hand when you feel like you can't keep going instead of making you hold your own hand but I can hold my own hand at least.