I'm Sick of It

The picture that I used basically sums up how I feel.

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I'm sick of it. The emotional pain. The physical pain. My head always hurts. I get hurt every few weeks during seizures. On Easter, I ended up scraping my knee when I fell. Today, it ended up being a (likely) sprained ankle. The RICE method doesn't help anymore since my body is too used to it. For those of you who are unaware, the RICE method is rest, ice, compression, and elevation.

I am constantly stressed about life: family life and money. I am always fearful about when my next seizure will happen. I am very sick of waking up covered in drool, sometimes on the bathroom floor, sometimes on the sidewalk, and sometimes at work on the floor (especially since I work in a kitchen so I know the floor is gross). I'm terrified of the shower after having a seizure there when I was 13 (about nine years ago).

Normally, after seizures, I am fine enough to not need to see a doctor. However, the sprain is bad enough for me to have gone to urgent care. While I was there, they did x-rays and told me that there are no breaks or hairline fractures. The physician's assistant that I saw was more worried about a potential hairline fracture than a break. Because of the sprain, I was given a note to only do sitting work at my job. Since I work in a kitchen, that is not possible so I was forced to call in. However, if bearing weight isn't an issue by my next shift, I will be able to go in before the week is up.

As for family issues, there have been way too many arguments between my parents. It has led to panic attacks, increased anxiety, and much higher levels of depression. Even though I know they will both continue to be there for my brother, sister, and me, hearing it every day is extremely stressful. I can't handle it mentally but I don't really have a choice. I try really hard to stay strong but it is a really hard fight.

My mental health is deteriorating because of everything I am forced to go through. The mental illness (bipolar and anxiety), the physical disabilities that are not disabilities in the eyes of the United States government (epilepsy and psychogenic non-epileptic attacks, also known as PNEA). It is such a difficult and painful fight but I do my best to make it through.

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I am definitely grateful for one thing: I have the most amazing boss a person could ask for. When I called to see if it was possible to go in with that accommodation, he said it would not be possible because of having to grab stuff throughout my shift. He also told me that I don't need to bring the note but it isn't a problem if I do. I then informed him that I am going to bring it during my next shift, even though he said he would take me at my word. I don't know anybody with a boss even half that awesome.

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If you read it all, thank you. I wanted to be heard and writing on Vocal is my outlet. I normally do poetry here. So, if you enjoy reading poems, subscribing means a lot to me.