I'm a Straight-Passing Woman. I'm Tired of Having to Come Out All the Time.

Inside the Dairy of A Genuinely Concerned Pansexual

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I'm the girl next door, the one you'd never suspect. 

With my blonde hair, blue eyes, and love for football, I fit the mould of the all-American girl perfectly. 

My friends and family see me as a classic beauty, destined for a traditional life with a handsome man. 

But they don't know my secret: I'm pansexual, attracted to people regardless of their gender identity.

My pansexuality is a quiet part of me, one I rarely share with others until now.

 I was worry that revealing my true self would alienate me from the people I love. 

So, I carefully curate my image, presenting myself as a heterosexual woman. 

I date men, fall in love, and even get married, all while keeping my true orientation hidden.

My ability to blend in with the heterosexual world is both a blessing and a curse. 

It allows me to live a relatively comfortable life, free from the discrimination and prejudice that many openly queer individuals face. 

However, it also leaves me feeling isolated and misunderstood. 

I long for a genuine connection with someone who knows my true self, but I fear that such a person doesn't exist.

A few years ago, I decided to be myself by letting everyone now, that's me and who I am.

It's frustrating because I have to come out all the time to people.

I've tried to make small changes to my appearance so more people could pick up on my queerness.

"You don't look gay" is something I hear often. 

In queer terms, I present as "femme" since I choose to wear my hair long and clothes that society associates with being feminine.

These antiquated gender standards result in folks wrongfully presuming my sexuality simply based on their preconceived notions about my appearance.

I'm mistakenly labelled as straight daily, which makes me feel invisible.

The emotional labour of clarifying I'm pansexual and am attracted to people - not gender - takes a toll on my mental health and makes me feel like my sexuality is invalid.

The effects of constantly coming out

Straight Passing women being wrongfully perceived as straight can be as simple as a gynaecologist presuming you have a boyfriend rather than a sexual partner.

Or a hotel assuming a double occupancy room is for you and a man.

 Coming out is an ongoing process.

"Every new interaction brings the question of whether to disclose one's queer identity.

It's exhausting and laborious to come out again and again.

I prefer to find a way to mention my sexuality naturally in a conversation rather than making it a big ordeal.

Presuming someone's sexuality reinforces harmful stereotypes.

Being perceived as straight isn't a minor inconvenience; it's a significant emotional burden.

The misalignment between one's identity and how others perceive them can lead to self-doubt, confusion, and feeling invalidated, which can hinder their ability to fully express themselves.

But there are some benefits to being straight-passing

Being straight-presenting is a double-edged sword.

It protects me from discrimination but also makes my queer identity invisible. While there's an undue burden to being straight-passing, it's also a huge privilege.

Being perceived as heterosexual protects me when I'm travelling to places where it's illegal to be homosexual.

It's easier for me to go back into the closet when I travel - even though it takes a toll on my well-being to hide who I am.

I also feel a sense of guilt for having the privilege of being able to pass as straight, which many LGBTQ people cannot do.

I'm trying to make subtle changes to appear more queer

There's a wide spectrum of how women-loving-women present themselves - from butch lesbians who prefer more masculine attire and hairstyles to lipstick lesbians that embody a femme appearance like myself.

Some women-loving-women present signals understood by the queer community to designate an attraction to women, such as undercuts, masculine clothes, and the lesbian manicure where two nails are kept short.

Still, you can embody all of that and still be perceived as straight.

I've tried to make my appearance queerer in ways that feel genuine to me by using rainbow pride nail art and thumb rings.

I've turned to body modification and have the gay equality symbol tattooed on my ear, a tattoo of rainbow-colored dots on my wrists, and a septum piercing.

Still, people presume I'm straight.

It's extremely tiring to come out and to constantly ensure my identity is acknowledged.