I love my Mother but...

The other day, I was in my dad's closet getting something. Even though my dad is alive, for a moment, I thought about him passing away. A sadness and feeling of tears were coming to me. I thought about my sister in this light and I felt I'd cry as well as my niece and nephew. Hell, even my sister's dog, I'd cry. But my mother? I...felt...nothing. A horrible thing to admit, yes. I spoke to my therapist about this feeling. When I went further into my feelings, it's not that I don't love her, but if she was someone I met and spoke to, I wouldn't like her.

My mother is narcissistic, a pick-me, and a bully. She has even said to me a few times how she always wanted one daughter. For the record, she has two and I'm the youngest. How did I know she was talking about not wanting me and not my sister? Because she apologized to me. The only reason she did this is because I called her out on this. I've heard her say this to me specifically for years. However, I'm desensitized to it.

If it's not her need to say this reminder, it's her need to embarrass me and my sister. She comes at my sister on an intellectual way because my sister is a doctor. As for me, she antagonizes me physically because I like to take care of my appearance. For a whole day, she literally picked on me for my make-up. Ironically, I received compliments all that day. When it was Christmas, I wore a Santa dress and make-up. She laughed and thought I was festive. However, what I didn't know was she secretly took a picture of me to show my sister and said Look at what she is wearing. With laughing emojis. My father as well as strangers all that day loved my outfit, makeup and hair. And yet, the one person who made me feel ugly, was my own mother. When I was sitting and smiling that day, she jokingly said to stop having that ugly smile. It irked me to the point I called her a pick-me.

Do you know how it feels to have a mother you share secrets or embarrassing situations with...only for her to tell your whole family because she was mad,wanted to punish and embarrass you. Ironically, she told the embarrassing and traumatizing story to show how she's a good mother who didn't tell but helped you.

Do you know how it feels to have a mother make a physical threat to you? Because I texted her Happy Birthday. Instead of calling. I mean I did call, and leave a voicemail. I thought maybe just maybe she'd call back so I can tell her AGAIN.

Imagine being sixteen and learning to drive. Your pregnant sister is in the car and you make a mistake in driving. Instead of your mother speaking calmly, she yells at you because you almost got all of you killed. And when you say "what" in confusion, she hits you. She has such a feeling for you that later that day, she doesn't trust you to make her food so she asks your sister.

For years, I fought so hard to love this woman, but I don't even like her. I still try to get her approval but at the same time, I'm detached. It's so hard to even love this woman, let alone like her. I mean, how can you love your mother when she tells you f--- you because of boundaries.

I'm in therapy now and a lot of my issues in life definitely have to do with her. There is so much that my mother has done. Not only to me, but my sister as well. I know it's not just us who have disdain for her. There were many a time where people have actually argued and came back at her. And guess who tried to ease the situation? I have mommy issues which is why I attach so easily to older women. I'm closer to my dad, which she has shown to not like and even said it pissed her off. All I can think about is how when I become a mother, I want my children not only to love me but like me. Not as a friend, but as a person.