I have to let him go

Healing isn't linear. There will be days I don't think of him at all, then days where all I can do is think of him and miss him.

Today I was discussing in the gym about my relationship with him in the past. What had initially drawn me to him.

It was how affectionate and self-confident he was at the time. He would immediately respond to my texts and I loved how he doted on me. He would think of me and get me gifts. But if I couldn't reciprocate his affection, he would shut down or lash out. Which was confusing and hard for me to navigate before. I would try to work with him, but he was so stubborn.

Then when he came back the 2nd time to try to fix things with me, a part of me was seeking and coming from a place of revenge. I had some love for him, but it wasn't as soft and pure as it was before because of all the pain he had caused me. My heart had hardened around him. And I never truly let go of the pain he caused me. I didn't put in effort the 2nd time around because I genuinely didn't care. I knew this wasn't the end game. I just wanted the attention and good sex that Jorge had given me. But I didn't actually want to make an effort for this to work. None of my family and friends liked him. I was hiding him from my family. I didn't take it seriously this time.

When I was rereading texts, I realized I was being extremely difficult. I was playing defensive, I never apologized to him the 2nd time around. All I cared about was not getting fucked over by him again. And that in turn hurt the relationship because I would not make an effort to understand him anymore. And that led to him eventually not wanting to do that for me anymore either since it was one sided. Neither of us were happy near the end. All we had was good sex. The feelings of love were destroyed with the mistrust we had formed for each other.

I was constantly seeking other options to get away from him, since I knew he couldn't be in the end game based on my mom's reaction to him. Which made me sad. I was sad that we don't get along family wise or friend wise. No one approved of us together because they could see we brought the worse out of each other.

I knew internally too, he wasn't the man for me. I was always upset with him for cursing all the time and being ghetto. He smoked. He drank. He was always jealous that I didn't have enough time to spend with him while he made it so difficult to work with his schedule because he also had school. We had so many problems. I just wanted to be happy... but we couldn't see eye to eye and both of us would have our guard and ego up.

We stayed together as long as we did due to a fear of abandonment. But it seems he has finally been able to accept it. And replaying the moments we fought, does help put into perspective on why we can no longer be together.

I was way too defensive from being hurt by him in the past. And if roles were reversed, he would become that way as well. We both constantly felt drained and unhappy. Neither of us were satisfied in our relationship.

I feel bad that I also didn't want to make long term plans before. I kept putting him down. Like for the concert. I did that because I was uncertain about our future together.

He always wanted us to do new activities together.. and he did help encourage me and explain it in a kind way too. He said "It's just another date activity. Something we can do together to maintain our connection and cherish new memories together."

Reading that now makes me cry so much. Because I know he did love me, and he did care. But I ruined it the 2nd time around due to feeling hurt by him the first time and not knowing how to navigate a relationship.

Reading these messages truly makes me nostalgic. He was so lively in these texts compared with the men I am seeing now. He would text with so much detail... I'm just missing it all now. I think I'm allowing myself to finally greve after holding it in for some time.

We both had a hard time because I couldn't truly move on from all the hurt he would cause me, so even though he would be doing good, my brain would still gravitate to his negative qualities rather than the good qualities he had. The fact that I sent him videos only about the fuck ups he did... say a lot. Then he would complain and say "sometimes I feel like with all the bad things you think of me, the good things I've done have been forgotten or never looked at. I noticed it when you couldn't say anything you love about me when I asked you."

I was so closed when he asked me. All I could think of was what he wasn't... I struggle with thinking of all the good qualities someone has sometimes.

He even said, "I've been thinking a lot about it. I'm more than willing to admit when I'm wrong about something now more than ever. You do mean that much to me. But look at how you're treating me."

I replied with "I'm getting frustrated with how you truly don't make an effort to understand nor change despite us discussing these topics prior." Honestly Dom, I was in the wrong then. I let my pride get in the way. My feelings of hurt controlled me at that time. I was so scared of getting belittled by him again, I started a fight anytime he was trying to work through our problems. Maybe it was subconscious revenge, or maybe it was due to me knowing internally I couldn't stay with him long term due to our past so I detached in the best way I could.

I'd create a lot of space when I got frustrated even though I do feel like I was in the wrong. I was unwilling to work with him at this point. Unwilling to make future plans with him. He said we had a responsibility to make each other happy. I think at that point I had given up on him and secretly still hated him for all he had done to me.

He was genuinely trying.. but I was honestly the worse version he could've had at the time. And I just have to accept that I was that way due to past hurt with him. I even told him I wouldn't make a good girlfriend anymore due to all the pain we had together before. And I made that come true by putting up the wall between me and him emotionally.

I also kept telling him that I didn't have these issues before, implying and talking about other relationships I had that were better. I do this a lot. I think I do this to sting them but also to remind them that what we do is not normal? I'm not too sure why I did that all the time besides to make it sting.

He called it out and said my goal was to fight with him for everything and not make it last. Ironic.

He said me wanting to feel heard was an excuse to push him away. And now, rereading these messages, I can see where he is coming from. I think I didn't delete these text messages so I could remind myself why it had to end. And truly process this break up. He said "For 3 weeks you broke up with me 4 times! You took it out on me when I tried to talk to you! To work with you! You've made me cry so fucking much. You've broken promises we said. You made everything about you! When all I wanted was to BE WHAT YOU NEEDED FROM ME."

Here, looking back, I do understand where he is coming from. I understand his frustration. Heck, I was him in the first go around in our relationship. We weren't meant to have something sustaining. We could never work to be on the same team. I think at that point I had lost respect for him because I felt so disrespected by him in the past and secretly loathed that I had even let him back in my life to begin with. It was a recipe for disaster.

He kept having anxiety attacks because of me. He said "You say it again you're tired of me. You talk about that other guy again. You say all the wrong things I do. Yet I know I'm not perfect, but I was trying!! I was trying!!" I never apologized for ending things with him. I guess you could say it was revenge for all the times he had hurt me and my stubbornness. I am so blind when I am angry. I also think it is my way or the highway.

We really couldn't see eye to eye at the time. And now we never will.

He used to complain, "You're not even listening to me!! I'm showing you so much effort to make you be seen and heard! Yet all you do is say I'm not doing ENOUGH! Whaaat. Then what have I been doing??? Why am I making plans for su to do?? Why am I thinking of a spartan run with you! Why am I thinking of trups or hikes to do! God I dont even like balloons! Yet I said wow thats something im sure dom would like!! "

He said "You dont even acknowledge how extreme your reactions have been!" They were extreme. But it was brought there due to the past with him. My internal self hadn't forgiven him and it showed in how I reacted with him in conflict.

I can see why Jorge was frustrated with me. I didn't acknowledge any of his concerns or was apologetic. I'd constantly compare him to the other guy I met. He kept saying have you taken account that it isn't only your feelings here?

In Jorge's mind, "I am willing to become what you want." But for me, "I've seen the version of me where I can calmly present topics and a partner doesn;t turn it around in self defense and thats the environment I know I feel safe in." He argued, "Then you don't want me for who I am." while I argued, "Look if who you are is a person who cant communicate calmly with a partner and look to understand rather than get defensive then I don't know what to say to you. You have a choice right." All he responded was, "I'm the guy that's saying I love you with all my heart." He had good intentions, but I said, "Love isn't enough if I don't feel safe because the points I've been bringing up are ignored and berated."

I would shut down anytime he brought up points to have a real discussion to get to the root cause.

Our relationship was so complex. Looking back, Jorge was always flirting with me. I barely did it back besides on some rare occasions. He'd respond so fast, I loved it. None of my current guys do that. He was very accomodating with schedules until he wasn't. That's what makes this all so difficult. We had good moments. It wasn't all bad.

He was sweet enough to get me soup. Like how Yinka was seet enough to grab me a cookie at the coffee shop. I kind of wish I am more understanding? But I think sometimes our previous relationships really can burn us...

I think he was valid about the clubbing and drinking thing too. Had I cared about him, I wouldn't have left or at least had it be a discussion.

Gosh I was fighting him about everything... rereading that. I think I was partially in the wrong for sure. This relationship ended because I stopped putting effort the 2nd time around. I took everything Jorge said as an attack on me. And I didn't help him with his anxiety at all.

In our relationship all I could do was remind him of his mistakes. I couldn't move past it, or let him move past it. I felt the same way. He'd bring up all the reasons why I was wrong, rather than focusing on the good for me too. It all just hurt.

I do think he was right that in a relationship it is our responsibility to make each other happy. It isn't solely focused on me.

Now I'm remembering why we broke up. He couldn't even be nice to me when he was upset. And I guess I am a hypocrite because I couldn't do it either. I still can't do it. Even with Yinka. Yinka drove an hour to see me and didn't even get to spend time with me. I rarely put myself in the man's shoes, but that does seem unfair. I know how into me he is, but I am still dating others. Given we aren't official. I just feel like I am hurting a lot of people like Jorge said.

I also struggled to be nice with his family because I didn't have a healthy relationship with Jorge to begin with. It was all related. We both would be unhealthy and say things like, "If I'm so exhausted then leave me."

He kept complaining that I wasn't romantic and it's true - because I knew we werent long term. And right after he said that, I mentioned a murderer. Gosh I really was fucked up this 2nd time around.

Jorge really would try his best with me... he sent me and doordashed me food to make me happy. He brought me coffee. I do think I could've made more of an effort. I do think that it is my own fault. I had no right to continue comparing relationships. No one wants to hear that.

When I would get mad at him I would shut down. And that would trigger his anxiety. I did that with the prince before too. I have a pattern of doing that and it isn't ok. And he did try to make genuine compromises then. Our roles really did reverse at the time.

I did love the sweet side of him so much. He even called me his "whistle Asian" LOL. We were very sweet to each other when we weren't fighting. That's why we stayed.

I even craved his scent after surgery. I missed just cuddling with him. He said he used to sleep with the bear when we were separated since it had my scent on it.

He tried to explain to me that real love is doing or wanting something more for someone than you want for yourself. I would say mean comments to get under his skin like "I've felt so appreciated before... I don't know why I reverted back to this." Then Jorge would say, "You should go back to that guy then. I confirmed you didn't love me with those words. That's all I needed to see honestly."

He'd always do the same thing... Later he said,"All you had to do was apologize for those words and meanings." Then 20 minutes later, said"I'm sorry, I over reacted.".

The next day he said,"It's just your words really hurt and if they meant what they say then yeah I do feel that you are better off with that other guy."

Then later he would say "I'd take it you don't want to talk to me no more. I respect that too. Sorry about it."

3 minutes later... "So you don't want to talk to me?"

to be completely honest it seemed that I didn't want to ever apologize or admit any wrong doing at this point of the relationship. I was extremely prideful and that helped destroy this relationship quickly.

I said, "Jorge, you broke up with me yesterday because I wasn't being romantic enough with you. Meanwhile I had told you in the morning how much pain I was in."

He said, "What you said means you regret coming with me because you had someone who showed they appreciated you. Now all I wanted was for you to apologize for those words and meanings."

I said, "I'm honestly really hurt by you right now. In a time where I would have appreciated just kindness I was given the opposite of someone who was supposed to love me in a really hard time."

He said,"I didn't deserve those words." I said, "During the time you were upset you said a lot of hurtful things. I'm tired of being your punching bag when you get upset."

He was telling me none of yesterday was a reason to leave you.. it was just a conversation.

I told him,"You already broke up with me. I'm in a lot of physical pain so I really dont have the capacity to do all of this." He said, "I forgot accountability never works for you. You can say what you want to hurt me whenever you want and just expect me to fix it by apologizing. He said listen I'm sorry. I love you a lot. It hurts me to hear those words coming from you. If you mean them I do love you enough to see you happier with that guy. But if you want to be with me you need to apologize and never say them. If you just want to leave it as it is right now it's fine too where we just separate I'll respect that too. "

The next day he said, "a reply would have been nice." I said,"I'm honestly in a lot of pain and dont have the mental capacity for this. I need to focus my energy on getting better." Then he said "I'm so sorry.. Can I help?" Then 2 hours later, "I really miss you. I feel bad about this." 1 hour later "You don't want to talk to me?"

I told him, "I'm really hurt by how you handled all of this. Especially knowing how much pain I've been in this past week." He said,"I'm sorry it's just those words Dom...they hurt. I understand your pain.." I said, "Right now I really just want to be around positive and uplifting people who won't tear me down. I'm already hurting a lot physically, I can also hurt mentally."

He said,"Okay... so you don't want to talk to me any more?" I said "You didn't understand that. There was no boundary for you in my worst time you treated me so poorly. You literally broke up with me during one of the most painful times of my life. I don't want a partner that would treat me this poorly when I needed love and care the most."

He later said, "I understand Dom. I'm sorry for hurting you. Take care I guess." 1 hour later, he said,"I don't want to lose you though...I love you."

I always say this to him... "I've given you too many chances to break my heart each time. Goodbye Jorge." He said,"Oh wow. Okay. I gave you a lot of chances too Dom.." The next day I asked him for cuddles. I was weak and wanted him. It had been hard to resist him.

I was so sweet to him at that time...I even said,"it's bizarre you can just be there and I want to attack your face with kisses." Then he said he had a dream of us doing it at the beach. He said,"everytime you touch me I feel a tingle where you touch. I am attracted to you in more than just looks."

He said I was addicted to him. He used to crave my presence so much.

He asked me "why you no talk to me with a sad face" then I asked, "do you think we should just be friends?" He said dayum. It is what it is. It was because I was thinking of my mom and didn't like having to sneak around with him.

He said people tend to let the relationship die once they give it up. Now he was emotionless.

He said I did too many single girl things. I didn't know what a man's limits were. He said,"the emotional imbalance of feeling like you were not committed to me was insane."

He also didn't remember me wishing him happy birthday. Which I know, I did.

He said,"You mixed other men in our time together. You made a fool out of me. I am blaming you. I'm the worst of the worst. I'll never be a good father either according to you." I said, "I just wanted to be treated kindly, didn't realize that was too much to ask from a partner."

He said,"I'm sure you're already exploring your next options. That's why you want to be friends. Just to have me linger around while you find the next."He said,"Go to your online world and find that love I offered you. I'm done. Had I met him I would have fucked him up in jail over you."

I said, "see this is exactly what I meant. You treat me so poorly in conflict that literally makes no sense we weren't together at the time."

He said" You don't even know me. Im a fucking jealous man by nature. You want to test my boundaries repeatedly. I can't do that nor do I want a girl I love to be talking about ohhh I liked him ohh I miss him. Fuck outa here with that shit." 3 hours later he said, "It wasn't your fault. It was mine. Please take care of yourself."

I told him the next morning, "You just leave me in such a hard place. I don't know why you treat me like this. " He said, "It doesn't matter any more. Find your happiness."

He then sent me 2 songs. Broken and hittin by Jessie reyes.

Then he said, "I always have the thoughts of how badly I reacted with you always. Bojack from the show goes through what I feel. When his thoughts overwhelm him it's usually why I feel so low."

1 hour and a half later. He said, "I understand you don't want to talk to me any more. I lash out sometimes so it's easier for you to move on. I did love you so much that even I couldn't understand it. I wish you the best Dominique. I'll still text you a last time on your birthday."

Then I tried to see him but he was with his family. Then I got mad because he responded at 1 am. I got mad at him for his double standards.

He became weird and said it was hot when I told him "Fuck that shit and Idgf". I told him there was something wrong with him. Then he said maybe. You free tuesday? or tomorrow?

And he just said "Lol i'll see you tomorrow. what time are you free." I said,"Honestly I am over this." Then he said, "You're always loved and welcomed with me. Just actually sat yes like Friday when I asked you to pick you up if you wanted to."

I said,"Everything I'm doing is a reflection of what you do." He said,"Ohhh yeah? Then come fuck I do that too lmao"

Then we decided to go out for dinner Friday to celebrate my birthday. Then I got mad because he said hey on the phone rather than hey cutie.

He was sad I didn't call him. Then told me about him watching sinners.

I told him he brought out the worst side of me, and he said I brought out the best side of him.

I miss this part...

"I'll make you feel special cutie. I love you. Good morning, gorgeous. The world's most beautiful woman. How about this? I'll drop you coffee tomorrow morning. I know how you like your coffee and I miss seeing your smile."

I miss when he told me, "It's okay to be emotional."

Then we fought again because I wouldn't drive to see him at 9pm when I was working out at 5:30am.

Later he said "I keep thinking about you. Just what you mean to me. I love you so much." He complained, "Your effort for them (my friends) is greater than the effort I gave him". Then he got mad that my friends couldn't drive me back home because they were drunk. Then I ignored him for 4 days after my birthday even after he sent a nice text message because I didn't want to fight. He said, "It's clear you don't want me any more. So please take care of yourself. Wish you the best."

He said, "It's your life now. Figure out who cares and who doesn't now. I cared about Dom. But it was viewed negatively anytime I asked you to care for me."

He doesn't feel anxious anymore. He said he's hidden now. I don't follow him on IG. I want him to pick me up around the corner. And he understood he messed up . But he has taken me seriously since the day he met me. He said I don't think about his feelings at all.

I honestly feel that was true. He said he tried his hardest but it came at the cost of losing himself. Reviewing everything- ya I can agree. I would try to fight him over small things and do what I want without telling him.

He was jealous I made my friends a goodie bag and said I cared more for them then him.

He said," I'm tired of being bad I guess. So I'll let you go to find your nice guy. I'm sure he's there.

I said, "This was also a problem for us. Instead of you wanting to become a better version for us you always told me to see someone else. That's actually an excuse. I used to try and have a lot more patience with you, but you would decide to end things rather than talk and work through problems. And when you ended things, you wouldn't think about the repercussions of your actions and how it affected me."

He said, "Personally, I'm tired of feeling like some asshole. I didn't like how you handled these few months. All you did was say you didn't feel safe all the time. Meanwhile I was giving you my all. you ended things 4 times in one month. Created an anxious me."

He said,"You took those special moments and just made it about yourself and your friends. Just like the Spartan run I wanted to do."

I told him,"special moments aren't limited like you are viewing it."

He said had you one day paid the dinner tab. Would've shown a lot of appreciation.

He said, "You have no idea how much I looked at the pics I took of you. For the first time in my life I envisioned a family and a home with someone. I wanted to protect that future which is why I took a lot of personally what you made me react to."

I said,"I didn't make you react. I'd excuse your behavior when you were upset because of your sweet side but it felt like nothing I did was enough for you. Why do you say such hurtful things."

He said "So you can get over me fast. I think a lot of me is resentful that you are able to move so fast from me. It just made me feel like I was nothing in your life."

Later we talked about how my relationship with my friends is like his relationship with his family. He said, "That's why I react with emotional outburst. Because you kept putting these new people in the way of us."

Eventually I said "No I'm done. You wanted to break my spirit, you did it. Bye jorge." Later he texted me saying,"Listen its Jorge. You already blocked me smh. I'm sorry I'm frustrated at the moment with everything because I love you so much but I don't know how I'm supposed to let you go. Like i get jealous then I get frustrated with your active schedule and Im so lost. The second day he said, "Im sorry dom..." Then I said we dated for long enough to know we aren't compatible. There's nothing left to say. I gave you chances to show up differently, and you didn't. I'm at peace now. Please respect that."

He responded with, "Okay. Sounds good. I love you. Take care."

I said I love you too and we could spend a last day together or leave it here. Then I unblocked him and we met again. I complained about no coffee, no ass.

The last meaningful thing we said to each other was him saying "You know. I don't understand sometimes how i'm so physically attached to you." I said, "what do you mean?" He said, "Yeah. Like you really make me mad but then I see you and I just want to hold you tight lmao but you make me mad." He sent me a dick pic on a date, then I told him I had to cancel Monday plans. He wanted to do a rain check but didn't text me the whole day since 8am. Then I texted, "Working a wedding makes me miss being in love! I think I want to end this here so I can fully be open to looking for that again. This will probably be the last time you hear from me, wishing you the best" Then I blocked him on everything. And that was the end.