I HATE MY BODY

I’ve never felt sexy. I’ve never looked at My body and thought “damn you sexy”. I’ve never felt like a sexy goddess when I was sharing my body with someone else.

I would put on a my best thong and bra that made my boobs even bigger thinking maybe someone will see me and think I’m sexy. Think I’m fuckable. Think I’m worthy. And if I didn’t get looked at, didn't get danced with, didn't get acknowledged after putting in SO MUCH EFFORT. I would hate myself, my self esteem that had been raised by doing my makeup/hair, making myself feel beautiful and sexy was a waste because I'm FUGLY! I would bash my insides a little more. That self hatred mirror being held right in front of me. Thinking “I’m not sexy, I’ll never be sexy. I’ll never be loved. I’ll never be lusted after. I AM NOT ENOUGH”

Is feeling sexy and feeling beautiful the same thing? Because I have seen myself fresh out of bed with my perfecting curly knotted hair with a fresh face and thought. “That’s kinda beautiful”. I have also worn a skin tight dress, let my belly be out and thought “That’s kinda sexy”.

But I have never truly felt beautiful or sexy. I have never truly felt good about myself. I have never LOVED myself.

Yes... there have been moments where I glimpse myself in the mirror and like what I see or I get a compliment where I sort of agree. But most of the time it’s digust, it’s hate, it’s embarrasment, it’s shame. It’s a deep self loathing that over had since I was a child.

I was born a little under average weight. My mum had saggy boobs from feeding two previous babies and she couldn't get me to feed. I lost weight as a newborn. My mum felt terrible because she’s done this before why couldn’t she’s now??

Eventually a midwife said she just had to pull her boobs up higher so I couldn’t latch on and BOOM we were sweet. But because of the few days without food the second I got it I wasn't letting go. I then was over fed. I gained too much weight and continued to do that my whole life. One of my first memories is feeling and seeing people grabbing my fat rolls- which I had many. I had rolls from my wrist to my shoulders. The usual belly fat rolls. But I also had rolls from my hips to my ankles.

To say the least I didn’t look like other babies. The hunger within never stopped. I was constantly eating growing up, therefore the weight just seemed to keep piling on.

By the time I realized I looked very different to every other kid my age. I looked very different to my skinny twig sister and even my brother was chubby but I was huge. I saw this difference and I began to hate myself. Yeah consciously as a 3 year old... I knew I didn’t like my body. But what temporary relief did I have? Food. What made me feel better? Food. What thing did my family and friends shame me for having TOO much? FOOD!

As I got older and started to pretend. Pretend I didn’t have these hateful thoughts, this self loathing, this idea that I am a fat disgusting blob... I made a mask for myself that was bubbly, full of life, always smiling. It was the opposite of what I was feeling. I used food to push down those feelings. More food, more guilt, more shame, more self disgust. More feelings of unworthiness, and self loathing.

I would hide candy, sweets and chocolate that I stole from the kitchen under my pillow and hidden around my room for a sweet release, when I needed comfort. For when I was overwhelmed or uncomfortable. Where I could eat and feel slightly better before staring at my disgusting body and pinching and punching it. Before crying myself to sleep. Thinking about the clothes I couldnt fit into, the activities I couldn’t do because of my big body. Thinking about the stares and looks, and comments when id waddle into a room. When I would eat in public and they'd be thinking no wonder she looks like that. The more food the more the fat kept piling on and the bigger I got. The feelings I had got heavier and I had too keep applying layers onto my mask because I couldn’t tell anyone. I WAS ALONE! I had no one to share my darkness with so I keep it buried. Keep it hidden. Kept pretending. The ickness swirling deep within me. Suppressing the disgust and hate. Forever...

02/03/2022 - 06/11/2022