I Grew Up thinking anxiety become simply Laziness:

I used to think i used to be simply lazy.

When I couldn’t get out of bed, I blamed myself. when I forgot matters, missed time limits, or felt like the global changed into too loud, I informed myself i was vulnerable. I didn’t have the language for what i used to be experiencing. no one around me did either.

In my own family, we didn’t talk approximately mental fitness. We pointed out grades, appreciate, and whether the roti changed into round enough. We mentioned what the buddies have been doing, what the family could assume, and how to preserve our heads down and hold going. but we didn’t communicate about fear. Or shame. Or the sort of sadness that doesn’t depart after a nap.

The primary Time I iced over

I was 16 the first time I had what I now recognise became a panic attack. i used to be sitting in magnificence, and suddenly the entirety felt too shiny, too loud, too fast. My heart raced. My palms shook. I couldn’t breathe. I thought i was death. after I told my mother, she stated, “You possibly didn’t eat sufficient. Have some chai.” after I informed my instructor, she stated, “You need to cognizance extra.” after I informed myself, I said, “You’re just being dramatic.”

So I stayed quiet. I driven thru. I were given properly at pretending.

The mask of excessive Functioning

I became the lady who always smiled. Who were given precise grades. Who helped others. Who laughed at jokes even if her chest felt love it turned into caving in.

I idea if I should just be beneficial sufficient, no person could observe how broken I felt inner. And for a while, it labored. i used to be praised for being “mature,” “disciplined,” “strong.” but electricity with out softness is simply survival. And survival isn’t similar to residing.

The Breaking factor

It wasn’t one big issue that broke me. It turned into a thousand small ones.

The regular pressure to be ideal. the worry of disappointing my dad and mom. The guilt of not being thankful enough. The exhaustion of sporting feelings I didn’t have names for. at some point, I just stopped. I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t need to speak. I didn’t need to eat. I didn’t need to exist.

That’s after I eventually stated it out loud: “I suppose some thing’s incorrect with me.” the primary Time I Heard the word “anxiety” a pal lightly said, “That feels like tension.”

I blinked. “What do you mean?”

She despatched me a hyperlink. I examine it. and i cried. due to the fact for the primary time, I saw myself in words that weren’t insults. I noticed my symptoms described with compassion. I noticed that I wasn’t by myself. That I wasn’t lazy. That I wasn’t damaged.

I used to be just suffering. And struggling is human.

Unlearning the Silence

• It took time to unlearn what I’d been taught.
• That emotions are weakness.
• That rest is laziness.
• That asking for assistance is shameful.

I started out therapy. I started out journaling. I started out announcing “no.” I began saying “I’m now not ok” with out apologizing for it.

My family didn’t apprehend at first. My mom nonetheless says, “just pray and sleep early.” My dad nonetheless thinks therapy is “for individuals who’ve lost their minds.” however slowly, they’re listening. And greater importantly, I’m speakme.

Why This tale topics

In case you grew up in a culture wherein mental fitness changed into by no means named, I need you to realize this:

You aren't lazy.

You aren't weak.

You are not by myself.

Tension is real. despair is actual. recuperation is actual, too.

It starts with naming what hurts. With refusing to hold disgrace that turned into in no way yours. With selecting softness over silence. I’m nevertheless learning. nevertheless recuperation. nevertheless unlearning. but I’m not pretending.

And that, for me, is the start of freedom.