I Fucked Up by Sharing My BDSM Test Results with My Girlfriend

A few weeks ago, I did something I thought was a good idea at the time: I shared the results of my BDSM test with my girlfriend.

If you’re unfamiliar, the BDSM test is a tool designed to help people better understand their preferences when it comes to kinks, fetishes, and power dynamics in relationships. It asks a series of questions and then gives you a ranked list of identities or roles — like Dominant, Submissive, Switch, Rigger, Brat Tamer, Exhibitionist, etc. It’s not scientific, and it’s definitely not meant to label you forever, but it can be a fun and surprisingly eye-opening exercise in self-discovery.

For me, the test was just that — self-exploration. I’d been curious about BDSM for a while but never really had the vocabulary to articulate what I was into. When my results came back with things like Dominant, Degrader, Rigger, and Exhibitionist ranked pretty high, I felt both intrigued and a little validated. So, in a moment of boldness (or maybe recklessness), I decided to share my results with my girlfriend.

Big mistake.

The Mistake

We’ve been together for almost a year, and while our sex life has been good — open, affectionate, and decently communicative — we hadn’t yet gone into any deep discussions about kink. There had been a few light conversations about fantasies, sure, but nothing beyond that.

So when I sent her the test results, I did it casually. Too casually. Just a screenshot and a text:

“Hey, look what I got lol.”

I thought maybe it would open a door. Maybe we’d talk about it, maybe she’d take the test too, and maybe we’d start to explore some of these things together.

Instead, she left me on read. For hours.

Where I Went Wrong

Looking back, it’s painfully obvious where I messed up.

1. I didn’t set the stage.

Dropping an intense list of kink identities on someone out of the blue is not the same as asking what toppings they want on their pizza. Words like Degrader and Exhibitionist can be loaded, and without any explanation or conversation, they can feel like a shock — or even a threat.

2. I didn’t get consent to have the conversation.

We talk about consent in terms of physical interaction, but emotional consent is just as important. I didn’t ask if she wanted to have this kind of conversation. I just assumed she’d be cool with it.

3. I made it sound like a declaration.

Instead of saying, “Hey, I’ve been exploring some ideas and I found this interesting,” I basically said, “Here’s what I am now. Hope you’re into it.”

Her Reaction

When she finally responded, she was honest — and I appreciated that, even though it stung. She said the test results made her feel like she didn’t really know this side of me. The words that stuck out for her were Degrader and Exhibitionist. Not because she thought less of me, but because it introduced an image of me — and us — that she hadn’t yet considered or was ready for.

Her actual words were:

“Were you hoping I’d just go along with this?”

That hit me hard. I realized I had kind of been hoping for that. Not consciously, but yeah — I thought maybe she’d see it, find it hot, and suddenly everything would click into place.

But real life doesn’t work like that. Relationships don’t work like that.

What I Learned

Self-exploration is personal until you make it shared.

Be intentional about how and when you let someone else in.

Timing matters.

A kink conversation deserves its own moment — not a throwaway text in the middle of the workday.

Kink compatibility is a process.

You don’t have to match perfectly, but you do have to communicate — openly, slowly, respectfully.

So, Would I Do It Again?

Yes. But with way more thought.

I still believe tools like the BDSM test are useful. They can help you learn about yourself and spark important conversations in a relationship. But if I could go back, I’d have started with a conversation, not a screenshot. I’d have asked, “Have you ever thought about BDSM stuff?” before unloading my own list of kinks. I would’ve made it a two-way conversation from the start, not a sudden reveal.

Because when it comes to intimacy — sexual or otherwise — it’s not just about what you want. It’s about what you build together.