I Don't Know

I have started writing this a few times in my head and can never get anywhere. I want to write, I enjoy writing but my mind is going in so many directions, I just don't know what to put down. Best advice that I have heard is to just get started. Stop thinking and just do it. I tend to get in my own way though. I start to do something good for myself or something that I want to do and it's like a whole other me comes along to mess it up, to distract me and knock me off my feet. I let her. It annoys me but somehow I find a comfort in it. A comfort as if it's letting me off the hook because what if I can't accomplish what I started? I supposes it's self sabotage? I don't know, I haven't looked it up and I haven't ever told anyone. But that is why I decided to write it out. Out of my head, and out into the world. As if I am trying to get rid of that part of me. I am like a tattletale. I will tell everyone what a jerk my inner mean girl is and maybe she'll stop. Although, she might be too much apart of me that I may never be able to get rid of her. Would I really want to get rid of her? Then I wouldn't have anyone to blame my failures on. There has to be a fighter deep down though, because as many times as the inner mean girl has thrown my life out of whack, I have somehow picked up the pieces and made something out of it. Tiring though, for sure. It pisses me off, quite frankly. I try to so hard to do all the right things, make all the right choices and get to the life that I see others have but then here she comes wrecking it all. It sounds as though I am jealous of others and I'm not, really I'm not. I'm happy for others and want them to be happy. But where is my happy too? I had it, I have it. But she makes me doubt and over think things. She really needs to get it together. Day to day to such whirlwind, that it makes my head hurt. I feel like I don't know which direction to turn or what to do to just be normal. Some days I sink lower and lower and I am afraid that I will lose it. But I know that everyday, I have to do what I can to get through the day. It is a terrible feeling and cycle when you don't feel normal or good enough. I feel bad for not being a "Pinterest" mom, for not being the best wife and for not doing what I need to do to take care of me. The inner bitch needs an attitude adjustment and to start using her powers for good. We have come a long way but she still has plenty of work to do. Why can't life just be simple? I just want a normal simple life and for her, it is so completely foreign that she is almost scared of it. Like the thought of it, makes her want to screw things up even more. What the hell is your problem? Maybe someone reading this can help me talk some sense into her. Tell me what you think? Do you have an inner mean kid? How do you cope? Thank you and good luck.