"I don't know" - Is that so hard to say?

Conversations. Why do we engage in them? I talk to myself a lot. Sometimes I talk to my cat or my dolls or the walls. I'm alone a lot. Why do I feel the need to vocalize? Why do I have to write this if I just spent a few hours conversing with the walls? Why am I so "gabby"?

Last night I had to get out of the house because I go from the mood of "agoraphobia" to the mood of "claustrophobia" faster than you can spell Bipolar. Where was I to go? The mall closes at 9 p.m. and even during the day, I don't like spending much time there because it just reminds me how poor I am. I had already taken my Burger King meal to the beach for a picnic, and I had spent several hours volunteering for Christmas cheer. Yet I still felt restless around 7 p.m. and the only place I could think of to go was the good ol local bar.

So there I am at the bar. The bartender told me they hadn't gotten their order of Egg Nog yet. Bummer. They don't serve coffee either and they don't have the beers that I want to try again like Icehouse or Rolling Rock. She suggested a glass of wine and let me taste Cabernet and Merlot. Definitely Merlot. I sat there feeling bored for awhile as I sipped on my wine, and thinking about the difference in "moods" -- comparing "loneliness at home" to "boredom at the bar". Which one was harder to deal with? Neither. They were equally annoying, but at least you can change the mood based on location.

After attempting a conversation with the closest male sitting to me and failing miserably because that dude just wasn't into conversation, I sat there staring at the karaoke DJ waiting for my chance to sing a song so that I wouldn't look so bored and pathetic in one of my nicer dresses. I thought about Church and I thought about Theater and I thought about Fashion.

Then quite unexpectedly, two very handsome men sat on each side of me. The one to my right was dressed to the nines. I couldn't help myself but to tell him, "Wow, you look sexy." And I also explained that most the patrons of this dive bar don't dress to impress. The handsome man to my left began chatting with me and he was a talker like me. He talked about lots of topics and we both made jokes --- only difference is that his jokes made me laugh and mine rarely ever make people laugh. I think my poetry has a better chance at making money than my jokes.

Anyway, after I left and went back home, I began to think about phrases that are difficult for people to say especially with sincerity. Some people don't like conversation at all. But even us gabbers sometimes struggle to say some phrases like "Please", "I'm Sorry", "Thank You", and "I don't know". I always found "I'm Sorry" and "Thank You" pretty easy. I really don't mean to offend anyone (you know when all is well and I'm not offended) and I'm usually very grateful for any kindness. However the other two phrases gave me a hard time for a long time and as a fan of introspection, I think I know why.

"Please" is a word that people say to sugar coat a request. For example, I could say "May I have a beer?" Perhaps that isn't getting the results you want or at the quickness that you'd like it. So then you add the "Please" to the phrase, "May I have a beer, please?" And for some, that additional word seems to acquire the desired results. I think I struggled and still sometimes struggle with uttering a "Please" because it sounds like begging to my ears. I get reminded of countless times when one of my mother's dogs was begging at the table for some human food. She would get so angry and reprimand the dogs, scowling at them even if they showed the most sad, cute puppy dog eyes. Even if they could have spoken the word "Please" she never would have broken the propreity of formal dinner table manners. Subconsciously, I do believe that is why "Please" is a tough word for me to spit out. It's hard enough to ask someone for something because it's either going to be a Yes or No, and of course you only asked to hear the Yes, and dreading the sound of a No. You worked up the courage to ask figuring that a No doesn't change anything, but a Yes would definitely improve your situation, and since it's a 50/50 chance, you might as well. For me, just getting the request out is hard enough. I love doing everything for myself. Asking people to help, though necessary, is a very degrading moment. Simply by asking for your help I am admitting that I am inadequate to do it myself. Now I have to sound like a beggar with the word "Please" on top of the request? Oy ve.

The other phrase that had me tied up in knots was "I don't know". Seems like such a simple, easy phrase right? No, not for me. I spent so many, many years in study and in school trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I was "smart". My mother was the sexy one. My mother could have any man. I was the ugly duckling. I had nothing to bring to the table or any value as a person and nobody wanted me. I had to be something. That's it! I'll be smart! Even if I was beautiful, that wouldn't last anyway. But smart can go the distance! Smart won't fade out like beautiful. Smart won't get boring or replaced like beautiful and sexy. So I worked hard and studied hard. Book after book, class after class, graduation after graduation, I worked on being "smart" the way a body builder sculpts his body at the gym. And then, somebody asked me "Why is it so hard for you to say 'I don't know'?" And bam! Introspection time again. Hmmm? He's right. Why? Does saying "I don't know" undermind my investment of time and study for the "Smart" title? Do I dub myself "Stupid" by saying "I don't know"? I learned that it was the opposite actually. Saying "I don't know" is one of the smartest things I can say sometimes, and I've gotten comfortable with it now, even more so than saying "Please".

Anyway, I'm sure there are lots of other phrases that people struggle with vocalizing. Some people hate to say "Goodbye" while others can't stand the phrase "I love you". They have their reasons I suppose. I don't think I will ever comprehend though how people can say "I love you" as if it's a broken record, yet they choke on "I'm sorry" and "Thank you". How can that be?