I Discovered Myself...

I don't remember much about my first love. But the one that changed my life forever was when I was in seventh grade. I knew I had no right to love him. He was as bright as the sun, always smiling, and surrounded by people. He brightened the room every time he walked in. I, on the other hand, am a plain-looking guy. It is when reality hit me that I am a guy, and he isn't someone I can be with.

I was jealous of the girls who could easily converse with him, and casually touch him. In my imagination, I have had so many conversations with him. But in reality, he seemed so far from my reach. Aren't I pathetic? Why do I have to get flustered when he is around me? And moreover, Why do I have to fall in love with another guy?

Men should fall in love with women. That's the norm and that's how it's supposed to be. I have attended so many weddings and it has always been between men and women. All my friends always fell in love with people of opposite sexes. I always thought I was the one with problems and why wouldn't I? Growing up, I never had someone I could relate to. As far as my recollection goes, I remember my mom teasing me saying one day I will bring a bride home. I could only whisper "Why does it have to be a bride?" under my breath.

Internet wasn't a thing back then so I had no idea that there could be other people who were just like me. I had seen a few people who used to dress like women and they were bullied and called derogatory names by people around me including my own family and friends. During the heat of the moment, I always wanted to yell "What's so wrong about dressing like a woman? I like men, so are you going to call me names too?" But I would just stand there frozen, without being able to utter a single word. I was a coward. Every time I imagined telling people the truth about me, the only outcome I could envision was them being disgusted and angry. I didn't want to face the truth of being abandoned by the people I cared about so much. I remember when we were taught that we should be able to control our feelings before those feelings could control us. I felt guilty for not being able to control who I fall in love with. I tried falling in love with girls so many times, but every trial turned into a disappointment and me hating myself even more. I was tired of living a life filled with lies but there was nothing I could do or that's at least I thought during that time. I always wondered Why Me? Why can't I fall in love with a girl like any normal guy?

Things changed when I moved abroad to continue my education. Things changed when I met other people who were just like me; men who were in love with other men. They seemed so happy and liberated that I won't be able to express it in words. I learned more about myself in a couple of months than I had in past 21 years. Learning and self-acceptance were really difficult. I had to unlearn generations' worth of patriarchial beliefs to love myself. There are still times when I feel like a backstabber to my friends and family, but at the same time, I feel free. I feel like a curse has been lifted and I finally am who I want to be. I don't believe in coming out because why do I have to tell other people about my sexual and or romantic orientations? But at the same time, I think the little boy inside me still wanted validation from people who are dear to me. So, I decided to disclose my romantic orientation to some of my close friends. I was surprised and honestly moved to tears when almost all my friends except one (there's always that one 😒) were happy for me. The reaction was far different from what I had imagined, I was relieved to not be hated by my friends. I know "My life belongs to me but I still live in this society and society will always judge me for what they see, they will even call me names but I refuse to listen to what they have to say."

Dear first love, even though I had so many things I wanted to say to you, I could never gather the courage. But thank you so much because you were the reason my journey to self-discovery started. Although giving up on you was my own decision, you will always remain special to me.

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