I am me

Growing up is hard to do when you're from the south and the only color you are allowed to be is black. Everyone in Mississippi is your cousin or your cousin’s friend which makes them your cousin by default.I went to a Baptist church where my uncle was the preacher and my entire family made up the congregation with those big Sunday hats, Obama hand fans and judgemental side eyes because auntie Sheila knows she wore that dress last week.

I remember Sunday classes when I was a child one of my cousins was teaching about heaven and hell but I grew up in a household where it was H-E-double hockey sticks or nothing. So when she asked us where we would go after we die I raised my hand to answer because I wanted a prize that she was handing out. I said “heaven or…”because I was too afraid of going to Hell to even say Hell, and I didn’t get the prize because I didn’t answer even though I knew the answer the whole time.

A few years later I was sitting in the living room with my stepmother and they had just announced that Gay marriage was to be legalized and I jumped for joy I was so excited! And she says “ what are you so happy for? It’s not like you’re gay.” and I sat down and I was still secretly excited but a little ashamed but I didn’t know why or how I could be both.

I moved to Illinois to be with my Mother and stepfather where I went to highschool and I was the vice president of GSA in a predominantly white school. My bestfriend was a lesbian woman and I didn’t know how to come out yet so I just claimed to be a straight ally because I didn’t want to steal her thunder. But it felt worse to not live truly as I am.

I dated a boy with rainbow socks who told me that his dad wouldn’t speak to him any more if he came out as gay, his mom was a lesbian and his dad never forgave her for that.

I went to college and had a lesbian room mate who claimed that Bisexual women “should stop pretending and just choose” and not that it’s any of her business but I had a feeling I was Bi at that time and I never told her that. She told us later that a Bisexual woman broke her heart by leaving her for a man. She was hurt and still hurting and never learned how to get over it. But she has a baby with a man now.

It feels like everyone wants to be correct and articulate while spilling hate everywhere they go because they’ve had it worse and I’m not any better. I’m telling pieces of their stories to make my story make sense and that's not fair to them. I’ve allowed other people to paint me into whoever matches them the best and I blame them because I never spoke up for myself even though I spoke for so many other people who reminded me of me and I was hoping that was a big enough hint to my family and friends to really know me while I get to know myself.

So family and friends. My name is Dominique. I'm 22. My favorite colors are pink, blue and green because I never learned to choose and no one is going to make me. I have a relationship with God and I’m pretty gay because I’m allowed to love who i want, and if you love me you always have and if you don’t you never did and I’m not responsible for what you think anymore. My sexuality is not your trauma or your responsibility.