How To Be Yours - Self Love

Understanding how to love yourself can be challenging, like a thousand scattered pieces of a puzzle, and just like the scattered pieces of the puzzle, a person must start with what they know. This journey may feel frustrating at times, maybe even impossible or overwhelming but this is where self-compassion comes into play. In one of my favorite songs, “How To Be Yours”, by Chris Renzema, he sings about how he does not know how to love himself but desires to be loved by himself. He refers to himself as an orphan without a home. Every time I listen to this song, it takes me into a mental forest of thought. I resonate with the lyrics because I have experienced many of these emotions. When I began my journey to build my identity I did not know where to start. I asked myself questions such as, “who am I?”,“Where do I belong”, and “Am I worthy?”. Although I have found my identity, songs like these unlock a paradigm shift in the way I see myself and others, creating a desire inside of me to help others understand who they are. From the moment this song begins, I begin my journey through my mental forest where I consume food for thought and wholeheartedly relate to the lyrics.

I have encountered people who disagree with Renzema’s lyrics and see self-love as a pathway to narcism, arrogance, or other negative ego-centric behavior. Although self-love may seem like a pathway to a darker self, my journey and many others have proven that it is a positive journey that leads to self-acceptance and self-esteem building. At the start of the song, Renzema begins by singing, “You say that you love me, Don’t say that you love me, ’Cause I don't know how to be yours.” (1-3) This reminds me of when I first started my journey to self-discovery. I attended a mixer where I met a lady who told me about a psychologist named Carl Jung. He is one of the first to have coined the term “inner child.” Jung believed that every human has an inner child inside of themselves that needs to be loved and accepted. As Renzema sing, “You say that you love me” (1), I believe he is referring to his inner child; his inner self, that is begging to be loved. The opening lyrics remind me of a dialog I once had with my inner self. We all have obstacles that make it difficult to love our inner child. I learned that if I showed myself compassion it would enable my paradigm to witness my feelings, thoughts, and actions through an acceptance, caring, and understanding lens. When I fail to see through this compassion lens, I disable my self-love radar and my criticism emerged to lead me astray. As Renzema replies to his inner child, “Don’t say that you want me, ’Cause I don't know how to be yours”(2-3), I believe he replies in this way to his inner child because self-love comes from such a genuine place in our heart that it is the hardest to accept, especially when a person does not feel worthy or deserving of it. It is not easy to accept yourself when an individual holds a list of past mistakes, convictions, and misjudgments against themselves. This makes an individual feel as if they are not worthy or deserving of love, but your inner child doesn’t see the individual through their judgment lens. I struggled with all of this for many years but just like the pieces of a puzzle, I had to work on one piece of myself at a time. I had to be willing to love myself unconditionally and understand that I am perfect in my imperfection.

One of my biggest challenges when it came to finding my self-identity was learning how to identify who I was and where I belonged. I remember I was once asked the question, “how would you define yourself in two words?”, I stood there without an answer. It took me two years to be able to answer this question. Now I would say, “compassionate and resourceful”. This is why, when Renzema sings, “I still act like an orphan”(18), it creates a burning desire for me to help anyone who is lost in their identity because I know what it is like to feel like a self-orphan without a home. His choice of the word “orphan”, hits me like a ton of bricks falling on my heart because being an orphan is worse than being abandoned. The words abandoned evoke the emotion of rejection and have a biological impact that activates the physical pain centers of the brain. On the other hand, being an orphan is demobilizing and can evoke emotions such as hopelessness and loneliness that lead to low self-worth. These are strong emotions that blind a person from being able to see that there is a home where they belong inside of themselves. I have learned that everyone has a home inside of themselves. The person just has to accept it.

Shannon Alder is an author who once said, “Anger, resentment, and jealousy doesn't change the heart of others-- it only changes yours.” I first heard this when I was a teenager and it did not resonate with me as much as it did when I was exiting my early mid-life crisis. At the time I was coming into a deep understatement that I only have my own body; my own soul, and my own mind, I can not be anyone else. Renzema affirm my realization when he sings, “So love me or hate me, I’m not going anywhere, Leave me or take me, You still bear my signature.”(23-27) As I typed these lyrics in this essay — I took a deep sigh— I had an overwhelming amount of emotions overtake my body. When I listen to these lyrics I am understanding only I know; how I feel, what I think, where I have been, who I have been, and who I am, to myself. I am my own companion that has experienced every life event with my self, regardless of who has experienced something with me. No one else can jump into my body and see what I am seeing. I can not jump into anyone else’s body and see what they are seeing. I bare my scars, my memories, my perspective, and my emotions; my signature. No one else can ever bear my signature and is the one thing that you can’t share. Renzema continues to sings, “So love me or hate me, I’m not going anywhere.” (23-25) There is immense power in choosing if I want to love myself or hate myself but no matter what the choice is, I bear the responsibility of what the effect of my choice is. Once I understood the power of choice and started to build who I was inside, it has empowered me to value who I am.

Every time I listen to the song, “How To Be Yours”, by Chris Renzema my brain goes into an analytical overdrive and my heart becomes a gusher of love. This is my favorite song because of the depth of its message. It is important to nurture our inner child by providing ourselves with self-love that paves the way to self-understanding, self-compassion, and self-esteem building. The ability for us to self-love will allow us to construct a home inside of ourselves; a place to call home. This home is where a person will be able to store their life signatures to create a warm, safe, vessel to hold our mended identity. This is the thought forest that I go through, every time I listen to this song.