How Am I?
A question that needs an answer...
October brings out the best in me. I feel like I have to get things done just before we force ourselves to save all of that daylight, the leaves fall, and my students - once again - disappoint me with their midterm marks. It is also the first week after my birthday (now 51). I do not make much of a literal odd number like that, but I have something on my mind that needs to be handled.
My mother sent her card in to me (the only one I still receive that is not digital or a saved line on Facebook). The message was simple; the card was beautiful; the letter was revealing. Usually, she will wish me best wishes on a passing year with little drama...but this one was different.
'I get the feeling that you are very lonely.'
A short note, but she figured me out. Usually, my mother's letters are useful sources of non-information: the weather, the community, and the shopping get discussed. But this time, she was really responding to my last letter. And she could read between the lines.
This is hard. I can fight this battle on my own, but to bring my mother into the field is something that I am not prepared to do. I often tell myself that my being alone is not the same as loneliness. Most of you who have read my work know what I am all about: the books; the guitar; the long walks and runs at the park and track; the ceaseless writing that feels less like a chore than a true gift to myself. I have become the person I am because of the way I have chosen to live my life.
But as I said to myself as I contemplated writing this, I need to dig deep, and this is the time of the year when the best of what I can do comes out.
I do not really want a relationship. I have talked a little about my history with dating, but I have not shared the whole story. My dad was certainly a factor in my looking at other people as animals who needed to be kept at a distance. As I made my way through high school - dovetailing quite significantly with his death - I turned to food for comfort, not contact with other people. I was neither popular nor unpopular: I never had a girlfriend, but I had girls who were my friends; I joined the writing club, eventually becoming the president, but I was still shy about sharing my work with the public; in university, I went even further than I did in high school with my work, manner and habits; and then, Tokyo...
Ah, Japan... The land that made me who I became...I think. A lot of my life today was based on the life I led back there. I was independent, working multiple contracts, and sometimes spending so much time out of the house that the city of Tokyo felt like the back of my hand (I had sixteen-hour days at one point with all of my responsibilities). After three years of this, school and a life back in Canada seemed...smaller. It felt much more limited. And I was okay with that. I was not going to try dating again - a whole article could come out of that hidden story - and I was put into another treadmill of work.
But clearly, this is not enough.
I have suspicions about relationships, but I cannot ignore how important they are. My mother's lesson to me seems to be that old chestnut:
There is a next stage here that I cannot complete with one article. Stay tuned for what comes next...
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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.
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About the Creator
Kendall Defoe
Teacher, reader, writer, dreamer... I am a college instructor who cannot stop letting his thoughts end up on the page. No AI. No Fake Work. It's all me...
And I did this:
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More stories from Kendall Defoe and writers in Confessions and other communities.
Kendallisms
It’s another week of teaching, and I am stuck in front of my laptop trying to avoid marking anything. It is Saturday night, and I still think that I am taking a chance by avoiding all the grading I have ahead of me. But some things cannot wait. I am dealing with the stress of the college and the request that I add more to a schedule that simply cannot take it. My mind needs to clear itself of a lot of detritus and this is the best way I can think of, besides the guitar and the promise to learn how to draw. All that can wait. This has to come out.
By Kendall Defoe about a year ago in Confessions
Word of the Day: 起訴
Well I managed to collect a lot of words to write but I still need to put them into my Anki. I am sort of wondering if I should bring my timer here but I feel it will influence how I function here. I need to just chill while I am here and compile notes. Nope. I need to work at home too, but I don't have any spots left on my appointments and calls.
By Kayla McIntosh6 days ago in Confessions
Comments (14)
No man is an island. I find it easier if I become that. Then the darn sand fleas start biting and I have to face reality. Very well written.
Direct, warm, sincere, full of heart. And to follow your heart with wisdom. The best love and companionship is the one that is not shared. I end because you remind me of something about myself, and I prefer to think of you...
This was so heart-felt and real. I applaud you, my friend. Well done :)
So, so deep. One day, you won’t have to think about what your grandmother wrote so much; you’ll just feel it. It’s something that will come naturally without searching for it. Loved every single word.
You really dug deep for this one my friend. I recently saw something that said that men are less likely to create friendships than women. Guess what I'm saying is you're more the norm than the outlier. At 74 soon to be 75 I can't think of any guys I've known through my life that I can pick up the phone and have a chat. My wife has friends she's known since birth.
Don't fall for it. She just wants grandchildren. I'm glad you turned to food for comfort rather than people. They're the worst. Being with someone is just extra and unnecessary stress and responsibilities. You cannot do what you want, whenever you want. Any decision you wanna make, you gotta take them into consideration as well. It's like prison. Just stay single and happy
A mother always knows.... I'm glad you have a fabulous one that can read you so well and is there to support you! I'm intrigued to see what part two will hold.
Thank you for sharing. I have 7 children, most in their mid 40s and now early 50s. Most are married or engaged. I can tell something is wrong when it is. Not always what but something. As a parent I want my children to be happy most of all. My dad died on my 10th birthday and that bothered me for years. My solution is to celebrate all month now. I had work to do on myself to deal with trauma, grief and loss and I have worked with others that have had similar work. Like food and alcohol/drugs, work can be compulsive and obsessive.❤️
This was such a gorgeously introspective piece, Kendall! I admire your honesty and the knowledge you possess of yourself and who you know you are, but also your honesty about confusing feelings and what you are not sure of. I am similar to you in thinking that being alone is not the same as being lonely. I am not a person with many friends, as I definitely prefer spending time alone; my boyfriend of six years very much does as well. But no man is an island, indeed! The line between the two can be thin. At 22, I don’t presume to possess all or any of the wisdom and intellect you do, but it seems to me that the way you’ve chosen to live your life isn’t wrong. You may not have romantic love in the place you are now, but just from this piece of writing alone it is clear you have so much love to give. Love to literature, to nature, to culture, and to the world around you. Whether you choose to seek other types of love connections or not, you will be who you are, and there is clearly so much love within you. Happy belated birthday, and great piece again! ♥️
It takes courage to be so honest and vulnerable, Kendall, and I can’t wait to read what happens next.
It sounds like there's been some serious introspection happening. Thanks to your mom's letter, perhaps? They do have a way of reading us. Coincidentally, I'm reading this on the day before my birthday, on which I'll be 17 years older than you. I still don't put much stock in the number. A belated Happy Birthday, and I'll be staying tuned.
Mom knows best, and it shows with you. But hey, you've come out strong, despite the rough history.
As a mother, I've tried to know exactly what my son is going through, yet, with him it's impossible. At the age of 47, he went through a complete ileostomy which put him on disability for 3 years. Finally back at work, a fellow employee went berserk, attacking my son which caused a skull fracture resulting in brain damage. No matter how I try to help, the meds he's on causes an angry reaction (so the doctor says) and he gets angry, says I have no idea what he's going through (which is true) then I spend the next ten minutes trying to calm in down. He's 58. My only successful goal is that he knows I will always be there for him, no matter what.
Mothers always have a way of knowing exactly how we are really feeling whether or not we actually tell them. I genuinely hope you feel better soon. I you ever need to talk, I am around every so often around here. I'm not going to offer any useless advice but I am going to say that if you ever do feel lonely, just know you have a profound impact on those who are across the waters. You are a brilliant human being.