Hole in My Heart

There is one event that has had the biggest impact on my life and forever changed it, and this event is seeing my brother battle with cancer and in the end, lose to it. I went through seeing my parents divorce at a young age, but that event pales in comparison to how this impacted my life. My brother was my best friend that can never be replaced, and his death has left a hole in my life that cannot be filled.

It started the summer before my junior year of high school, and it lasted until March of my junior year. It might not have been a very long battle, but it still feels like it was longer than it was. It was a short but long eight and a half months to be exact.

He had a lot of ups and downs in his fight, and I tried my hardest to help him, my mom, and my dad along the way, however, I could. It was hard, especially once school started. I knew he wanted me to focus on my school work and not dwell on what was happening with him, but I will admit it was hard. I ended up throwing myself into my school work so hard that my junior year I had the highest grade point average that I had ever had. The teachers and principal were amazed at how good they were considering what was going on.

Besides making me work harder at school, this event caused some mental changes in me that are not good. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I suffer daily with both of them. I also suspect I have a touch of post-traumatic stress disorder though I have not been tested for it yet, and it is caused by more than just this event.

I will never be able to experience holidays the same way now that he is not with us, and my birthday is especially hard. During my sixteenth birthday party, my brother was admitted into the ICU, and we weren't sure he would make it that day. I remember visiting him in the ICU, and he asked me if my party went ok. I loved how he was more concerned for me than what was happening to him.

Halloween is the other holiday that is hard for me because of how much he loved the holiday. My brother loved thinking up ideas for decorations and scaring people. Every year, he worked on a haunted trail at a local state park, and he loved designing what his section would look like and what he would do. I loved bouncing ideas off him and helping him create amazingly haunting displays.

I have found that I see the world differently after losing my brother. I used to take many things for granted, but now I have learned not to take things for granted. I've learned to fight for what I want and make my dreams real. For example, I work as a freelance writer while publishing my stories on Amazon. I also make crafts and sell them online. Both of these things my brother would be encouraging me to do since I enjoy them so much.

Some other things that I notice differently are all the little things in the world around me. Watching the sunsets and sunrises to enjoy their beauty. I've learned to stop and smell the roses. I can capture the beauty that is a single leaf on a tree that many people wouldn't give the first thought to let alone a second thought. I can also capture the beauty that a simple dandelion has, and people despise them for being weeds.